Sticks and Stones
Current culture has created this false idea that you should be hurt by what other people think and say. We have even created new terms to validate this idea. "Hate Speech, Bullying, Hostile Environments". Which is "normalizing" being offended over words. The idea that people are validating for each other that they have been victimized or hurt in some way, is actually making it true.
When I was a kid we were told "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I'm not saying words can't sting for a moment, but we have the able to consider if we should be hurt or not.
My concern is people are being taught they have no control over their feelings. If someone says something they don't like they have a huge reaction as if something has been done to them. I know there are some new studies that show people have an brain reaction to words. I bet my brain reacts when I stub my toe also but that doesn’t mean that I am damaged or harmed in any lasting way.
It is becoming difficult to disagree with people without lasting impacts on the relationship. So, what we disagree on this one topic I bet there are many topics we also agree on.
Often people are just talking and are NOT going out of their way to offend. Sometimes people say thoughtless things. I know I do. People make jokes. People have different opinions than you. People will think how they think, and be how they’ll be, and most likely, it has nothing to do with you. So, why give people who say hurtful things your power? Why allow something you have no control over to impact your mental state? Take a moment and consider the words that offended you and ask yourself, is there something I should learn from this? Is it true? Is there a source?
After considering the validity of the person's statement you have a choice. You can choose to disregard the offending comment, or you can decide if it is valid. Mature people do not allow others to control them, and they don’t give someone else power over them. They don’t say things like, “My boss makes me feel bad,” because they understand that they are in control of their own emotions and they have a choice how to respond.
What others say about you isn't about you, it is about them. They can only speak through their own perception which does not reflect on you. If I say, "All Green People are Rapists." does that make it true? No, it is just a perception of the speaker and it speaks much more about the speaker than the listener.
Why don't we teach our kids that they can not control the thoughts and feeling of others and they DO control their own reactions? This is a true and healthy scenario.
What is being taught that words are more important than actions and that emotion is more important than intellect. Mentally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them. Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.
Consider that it’s always easier to defend someone’s right to say something with which you agree. But in a free society, you also have a duty to defend speech to which you may strongly object. My post is not intended to give offensive people a voice, rather to give sensitive people the knowledge they have a choice. After all we can only control ourselves.
If I see someone doing something moronic, I might just call them a moron. Reason being: a moron is someone who does moronic things. Therefore, the best word to use in that situation is 'moron'. Sure, I could say, "John, this is moronic," but what if I don't know John's name? Then what? "Hey moron! Get out of the way! There's a truck coming!" If John was to pout about the fact I just called him a moron, he'd die. I tried to help the moron, you see? It's not a bad word. Not even a little bit. If the same moron stopped doing moronic things and converted over to doing smart things, I might just call him genius. That is also a name. I could say, "Hey genius! Get out of the way! There's a truck coming!" That might make him happy, but I'm being dishonest with him, and he's focusing on the fact someone just called him a genius; then the truck hits him, because he didn't listen to the rest, he was too busy feeling good about himself. Does that make sense?
Hey, Person with a hysterical sense of humor! I thought of our discussion the other night while I was dusting this off. :) I might have been a bit intense.
Glad to see you.
Ah yes. I could have said, "Hey person, you're about to die!" But then everyone freaks out and thinks I have a bomb when really I'm just trying to save a moron from getting hit by a truck.
I'll be honest, I didn't really read much of what you said over there(I stayed out of your arguments). I just assumed you were saying all the same things you usually say(about that topic). I called two-faced people two-faced. That's all. Shit happens.
Yeah, you didn't miss much other than I had a rare bout of temper which I regretted.
I think it's normal to be human sometimes. I think part of the reason why so many choose to consciously decide to be offended over petty things like words is because they've been conditioned to bottle everything up. They snap. Naturally acting out is frowned upon. They even make pills to stop it. I don't buy that medicine.
People do have low self esteem a lot. It can lead to arguments and even killings sometimes since people have to defend their precious ego.
I think it could be due to lack of Father figures but I'm not sure.
The most important thing is to develop a thick skin against the bad thing people say again us. No matter how good you or how hard you try to be perfect, some people will still talk shit.
You're verbalizing something I wholeheartedly agree with. To some extent, we can control how we react to something. And to the greater degree we are able to do so, the more control we have over ourselves and the situation we're in. The ability to stay centered and serene can be difficult when being provoked but not doing so IS giving away your power. Additionally, some people provoke as a tactic, it is how they attempt to control situations. Remaining calm, collected and measured in response not only maintains your own power but nullifies that of this combatant.
However, this is easier said than done. And we truly do have chemical reactions when attacked even verbally (surges of adrenaline) as self-defense mechanisms. The body launches into action and gives the brain a couple of seconds to assess the situation and decide the next response. It's those couple of seconds and what you do with them that makes all the difference.
Studies have shown that when our fight or flight or freeze responses are triggered the brain activity in our prefrontal cortex decreases and further hurts our ability to make rational decisions. Fortunately, there is a technique is called “distancing”, which is designed to remove yourself, even momentarily from the moment as the rush of self-preservation is setting in.
And you hit this on the head too. The words you hear, whether hurtful or aggressive are not your own, and they often represent more about the person making them then do about you. In fact, it's proven that that people react strongly when they see their own flaws reflected in other people. And those reactions are about how they judge themselves.
If you can imagine that they ARE speaking about themselves, and the hurt attempted is actually hurt reflected. And if you can then try to show compassion it's totally disarming. "I'm sorry you feel this way." "This must be hard for you." "How can I help you to feel better about this?"
If you do not accept an attack as valid or a fact. Then you are choosing how you want to react.
All you need to do is give yourself a few extra seconds.
Wow, that got longer than I was expecting.
Thank you for the generous acknowledgment.
Well, well, well...
This is a really complex thing, I think... for me, wrapping some perspective around it all is essential. For example: In the last 25 years or so, this whole thing called "Cyberspace" has evolved, and with it a sort of potentially "violent" type of communication made possible by the relative anonymity of being able to "hide behind the screen." So-called "cyberbullies" will express themselves in ways they would never consider, if face-to-face with the same person.
So in looking at this, I feel inclined to remind myself that the "vitriol level" in dialogue has been dialed up some from when I was a kid (in the 1960s and 70s).
And that's certainly a concern for me, as well. Maybe these go hand in hand: As the "violence" went up on one side, so the "oversensitivity" went up on the other.
I did come across some of those brain studies (mostly done via fMRI monitoring) which have been around for a while... the one I mostly remember is that evidently shaming someone lights up the same areas of the brain as excruciating physical pain.
But I'm talking about deliberate verbal maliciousness here, not people getting bent out of shape over someone's kidding around. Or being offended by "certain words" used by their boss or friends. That seems to have just gone over the edge.
That said, back when I was in boarding school (late 1970s) I did walk into the showers one morning to find a kid who'd hung himself with his judo belt. A slight and soft spoken kid who had been relentlessly tormented by some older boys for months... insisting on a number of occasions that he should just kill himself because the world would be a better place without losers like him. So he did.
Words can also be weapons. And "spells."
Good point! I know there are cases where people can go too far and take things to far over the top, but that is not "Most Cases" that people talk about when they are discussing bullying.
However, I am glad you made the point!
You're absolutely on point, the thing is, violence is not the only way to respond to something hurting as well, whatever decision that we would take and regret, there's always a choice of not making them when we can control our impulses
Agreed. The better we can control our emotions the more effective we can be. It doesn't mean we don't have emotion, we just choose to work our way through the emotions.
Right on. The post I wanted to write.
People need to get thicker skins. Words are just words, don't be offended by something that can't really inflict permanent damage - if you are strong enough not to let words hurt you.
Pussy is a crass word. Cunt is a crass word. But they are words.
You should listen to the words people use, to inform yourself on the type and class of person you are listening to.
If someone talks like trailer trash, they probably are trailer trash.
And you don't need to get offended. You should feel sorry for trailer trash.
I agree. I choose not to be offended about who someone else is.
From my own experience, we have the power to control every aspect of our lives with our minds. It's not cliche, it's a fact. If you don't want to deal with unwanted judgments for whatever you do, just don't think about that and keep doing your thing. As simple as that. Think about what you want, not about what you don't want. Doing this will save you many problems and conflicts.
I'm not sure why we can't just let people react how they want to any given circumstance. Why must we dictate what people should or should not have (thicker skin) or should or should not have (emotional responses). Why not let people decide what's best for them on their own?
If we continue to tell people they SHOULD be offended and upset, it actually creates the upset. Can you imagine being a teen and hearing over and over that people commit suicide over words.
Now when someone says something mean one might take it to heart, because they are being told they should take it to heart.
I would never want my child to be taught that attitude and to be emotionally upset over something, that with a few tools they could filter out.
I have no idea why I didn't have you followed, but I am glad to say I have rectified that!
Good piece sir and I completely agree.... too much acknowledging of it seems more long term damaging.... although maybe a "be a man" "suck it up" approach has had its time as well.
Appreciate the thought fodder