The truth about dating sites: do they work or not?
The truth about dating sites: do they work or not?
You can do almost everything online today : check your bank balance, buy shoes, choose a mattress and ask for a taxi. So when Roberta Caploe was ready to have dates again after divorcing, she did not ask her friends to fix her or have the need to frequent bars or sports clubs . He signed up for Jdate, an online dating site for single Jews. "All people are doing it," said Caploe, a 54-year-old publicist who lives in New York City. "It was not such a crazy experience, believe it or not."
Online dating has lost the stigma of being only for lonely hearts. Just look at the number of people looking for dating or couples on the sites and applications of partner search . According to a study conducted by the Pew Research Center in 2015, 15% of American adults have used online dating sites (web-based platforms such as Match.com) and dating apps (location-based apps). for smartphones such as Tinder).
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The participation of 18 to 24 year olds has tripled since 2013 and the participation of the elderly (baby boomers) has doubled. In fact, people over 50 are one of the fastest growing segments . "It's the product of the growing normality of using social media applications," says Moira Weigel, author of "Labor of Love: The Invention of Online Dating" (Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 2016). "Our real identities and online are increasingly intertwined."
Due to this cultural change, online dating sites have an unprecedented reach in our lives. They are the guardians of a large population of potential couples , they control who we know and how. Collectively, we spend large sums of money on dating, not to mention all the time and the substantial emotional investment we put into it.
But do these sites really work? They're safe? Are some better than others? There has been so much writing about online dating, but, as far as we know, nobody has put the sites to the test.
Therefore, Consumer Reports decided to survey nearly 115,000 subscribers about their online dating and experiences with them. Since we usually qualify products (such as refrigerators) and services (such as banks); this is a new and unusual territory for us. But as we explore the possibility of carrying out this research, we discover that 20% of our subscribers are divorced or never married and could benefit from our discoveries.
Our survey included many people who at some point used a website or a dating application in addition to a subset of 9,600 respondents who used them in the last 2 years. The most recently active group rated some specific sites.
Our discoveries tell an almost contradictory story. On the one hand, the numbers indicate that these sites help people find a partner. A high 44% of respondents who tested online dating said the experience resulted in a serious long-term relationship or marriage. That kind of connection index would far surpass Hall of Fame records, at least in baseball.
But the responses of the most active group suggest that they feel very frustrated. They gave online dating services the lowest satisfaction scores that Consumer Reports has seen for the services provided, even lower than those of the technical service providers, with very low performance on our ratings.
What is happening? Well, finding a partner can be hard and exhausting work . "I had an appointment with a man who turned out to be a convicted felon. Another man said he was 38 but had at least 60, "says Kate, a 33-year-old government analyst in Washington, DC, who used OKCupid, eHarmony and Tinder. "Sometimes I go on a date just to see how bad it can go."
The fact is that online dating is, I'll tell you, complicated . There is a whole range of difficult human emotions involved in this: insecurity, disappointment, rejection and maybe heart mourning. Not to mention that it involves a lot of work. "Sometimes nothing clicks," says Julien Nguyen, a 30-year-old software designer from Austin, Texas, who has used Bumble and Tinder. "Sometimes, any chemistry we had at the beginning simply vanishes."
The limitations of the market to "meet a partner"
Maybe, being in the market for couples can not be compared to using other services. Michael Norton, Ph.D. a professor at Harvard Business School, who studies the behavior of consumers, thinks that. Online dating is different from buying say, a sweater , explains: "Once you decide the sweater you want, you can have it. But with the appointments, the sweater must agree too. "
Another reason for low satisfaction scores may be that "most dating sites have some divergence between the financial profit model and the user experience as they are financed through subscription fees or advertising," says Scott Kominers. , Ph.D. an assistant researcher in economics at Harvard University.
In other words, they do not have the incentive to accelerate the experience. If you find a life partner on the first date, the site does not get much money from you. Our survey found that among respondents who stopped using online dating , 20% of men and 40% of women did so because they did not like the quality of their partner. Maybe that's why, among those who say they have used many dating sites, that 28% have used 3 or 4 more.
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Our research also found that online dating, no matter how uncomfortable and time-consuming it may be, often produces the expected result if you use it correctly, and persevere.
What makes a site perfect?
You can find the right person more effectively if you choose the right site, which means determining the group of people you serve and discovering whether a large or specific site will be more suited to your needs. Our survey showed that OkCupid and Tinder, both free , were more popular among young millennials than among Generation X and older adults (baby boomers), who are more likely to prefer a site or a subscription App. And we discovered that free sites were somewhat better than paid sites, perhaps because they offer better value.
"Maybe it's best to start your search by first dealing with" the big 3 ": Match.com, OkCupid and Plenty of Fish, " says Scott Valdez, founder of Virtual Dating Assistants, which helps people describe their profiles and then manage your accounts. "These 3 services are among the most popular dating sites in the world, and when you're fishing, it makes sense to cast your hook in the lagoons with the largest population."
That is usually true, unless you have a particular guiding factor, such as religion, race or politics, in which case you can go to a specific site such as Jdate or BlackPeopleMeet. Kate, the government analyst, has started using Tastebuds, a site based on musical tastes.
Many dating sites rely on pairing search algorithms in the same way that Netflix uses them to recommend movies. So if you live in the Denver area, you are a heterosexual single man who is around 50 years old, loves to travel and does not believe in astrology , your 'matches' may reflect women who have similar interests.
Applications like Bumble, Grindr or Tinder use elements such as your location and sexual preference. Tinder is configured more like a game, where you can push to the left the photos of people that do not interest you and to the right those of the people who do. If the interest is mutual, messages can be sent among you . Because these applications are based on proximity and users do not have to fill out extensive profiles, many have a reputation for promoting casual rather than lasting relationships.
But that can happen anywhere, says Laurie Davis Edwards, a professional dating coach and founder of eFlirt in Los Angeles, who helps clients navigate the world of dating. "It's a myth that some sites are better for a relationship while others are more for casual encounters," he says. "There are people with different intentions on each platform. The most important thing is your intention and use technology with that mentality. "
And even the best unions can not justify the most ineffable of things: chemistry . Joseph Lynn, 50, was paired with a woman who seemed perfect. "We met for dinner and there was no spark between us," he recalls. "She told me: 'You're a great man. Do not take it the wrong way, but it seems I'm having dinner with my brother. ' I was about to tell him the same thing. "
It is clear that disappointments can not be avoided. Our survey found that of those who are reluctant to try online dating, 21% of women and 9% of men said it was because they knew someone who had a bad experience. Veterans of online dating become experts to realize when a match will not go well . When Marc Riolo, a 67-year-old retiree at Washington State, began dating online in his late 50s, "it seemed like a lot of the women were buying a husband, they just measured me," he said. "I felt that they were interviewing me for the position of husband."
It's not surprising that you hear that people who spend several months with online dating get frustrated and then take a break for several months. But the perseverance was for Riolo: he has been dating for the past 9 years with a woman he met in Yahoo Personals .
«She did not have a preconceived agenda; We both wanted only someone to do things with, "he said. They live separately but spend about half of the week together. "Our friends say we have a perfect relationship."
Vince Manfredi, 61, who is divorced and works in advertising in San Diego, discovered that cheating is very common. " I had a couple of dates with someone who claimed to be a university professor ," he recalls. What that person said about where and what subjects he taught changed each time. "In the end, I pressed and discovered that it was not reliable and that discouraged me."
Edwards has experienced a pattern of lies. "The baby boomer generation tends to lie about their age," she says, "while the younger generation X are more likely to lie about their income."
Manfredi would like sites to offer verified information about users. But that goes against another user concern: privacy. Among those who were single in our survey and who did not try online dating , one in 10 said they would have liked to try but had doubts, describing themselves as private (50%) and concerned about the security of data and information ( 48%) and scams (46%).
How to protect your privacy
They are not alone: Many of us are cautious about the marriage of technology and our love life. Weigel points to concerns in real life, such as the data breach in 2015 of the Ashley Madison extramarital affairs site, which revealed details of users, including their email addresses.
"Or I think of the teacher friends in Tinder who are afraid to see their students," she says. Many sites offer common sense advice on how to protect themselves , including not sharing personal contact information immediately and having first appointments in public places. And if someone asks you for money, do not send it. The FBI states that Americans lost more than $ 82 million in online dating fraud in the last 6 months of 2014. (See "Avoiding the Love Scam," below).
To be successful in online dating you need to have a realistic idea about what the sites can offer and the patience to go to many coffee appointments. " These sites are made to meet people, " says Christian Rudder, a co-founder of OkCupid. Actually "they should be called online presentations, not online appointments".
When Caploe returned to the dating game, she tried to keep the project on a fun level. "It was not, 'Now I need a man to complete my life.' Some people see online dating as if it were a second job. That's not me". His strategy for the first date was to pretend it was just a business meeting , "which made it easier to go and see what would happen."
There was a time when a man sent her a message on JDate and she told him that they could not see each other because she had pain in the lower back, "which is a very common baby boomer problem," she says now laughing. When they met in person, she thought he was 10 times more attractive than in his photos . "We went to a gallery. We went around Central Park and he bought me an ice cream, "he said. "And that was it. Today, 15 months later, they still remain together.
The first thing a potential partner sees about you is a few lines of text and some photos, so there's a lot that depends on those words and pictures. This reality has generated a craft industry of professional online dating consultants who charge you for helping you create the most interesting person online. We asked Jodi Manfredi of Dynamic Dating Profiles, based in San Diego, to share some tips for which she regularly charges $ 119.
The purpose of your profile is to capture the reader's attention. You want to make them laugh or at least smile. At the same time, you want to be brief. Keep the answers on your profile below the 400 words in total.
To make a good first impression, use more than just a string of adjectives to describe you, such as "I'm funny, I'm generous, I'm loyal." Instead, describe your best qualities through anecdotes. Did you go to a developing country to build a hydraulic system? I would write something like "You must ask me about my trip to Haiti". That indicates that there is an interesting story and invites the reader to know the rest.
Keep in mind the tone. You do not want your profile to sound like a curriculum vitae that reads like you're bragging about how wonderful you are. Show that you are human and humble with a joke, a story about your simplicity or a funny anecdote.
I do not recommend lying about age ever. A woman I worked with used to talk to me about how much integrity he had and how he once gave back an extra $ 20 he got at an ATM. Then in the conversation, she said she was 56 years old. I told him I had said he was 52. "Oh, I lied," he replied. I told him that we should leave the integrity part outside of his profile.
I give many tips on the choice of photos. Use current photos, some that you took in the last 12 months, no older than that. Everyone needs at least a good close-up, up close. You can get a professional photographer, but in my opinion, the best pictures are taken by loved ones: children, parents, a friend. Make sure you include a picture of yourself in an activity you enjoy, perhaps outdoors with friends, perhaps holding a glass of wine.
There are certain things you should avoid in the photos. For example, people like to see your eyes. So try to avoid photos with sunglasses. And be sure to upload a full body that shows your body type, so there are no surprises once you meet in person.
Lucky in love? Mathematics is what matters
Dating sites are good depending on your ability to make connections. And the way they make these unions can be very different . Mike Norton, Ph.D. is a professor at the Harvard Business School who was part of the scientific advisory board of OkCupid.
"All the sites are matching based on obvious things, like the age range," he says. "But they differ a lot in the way they consider other factors that can affect compatibility."
Does it sound vague? That is the intention. L as online dating companies maintain their own algorithms highly protected. So it is difficult for scholars to discover which one is the best.
But here's what we know: Companies like eHarmony and Match.com use algorithms based on the information you supply (eHarmony has a US patent) similar to the way in which Amazon and Spotify use algorithms to recommend products to consumers. In a 2013 article in the New York Times, eHarmony senior scientific researcher at the time, Gian C. Gonzaga, said the company focused on factors such as the level of sexual and romantic passion, the level of extroversion and the importance of spirituality to make unions.
OkCupid, which was founded by 4 mathematics experts at Harvard, uses its own questions and those generated by members to make compatible unions based on the amount of things that users have in common. In general, the questions are unconventional and can be strangely revealing , such as "do you sometimes want to leave everything and go live on a sailboat?"
Location-based applications such as Bumble, Grindr and Tinder use the smartphone's GPS to find potential partners in a specific radius.
In summary: Do not try to cheat the system. Instead, choose a site or an application that is based on the approach that makes the most sense to you. And always answer questions honestly.
Avoiding the love scam
It's a scam as old as time. An impostor poses as the perfect suitor, attracts the victim to a romance, then proceeds to plunder their finances. And now, with the turn of modern technology, scam artists find victims through online dating sites and applications .
"I know someone who met a scammer while dating online," says Marc Riolo, a veteran of online dating who lives in Washington State. "My friend was sending messages with this man, who told him that he was an oil executive who always traveled inside and outside the country, always making excuses not to meet her."
When the suitor wrote him an email to tell him that he was in jail and that he needed bail , the woman's friends felt compelled to intervene.
"We had to convince her that the situation was suspicious. She really liked the man, but she did not send the money, "Riolo recalls. "And then he just disappeared."
But not everyone can escape unharmed from a romantic scam. According to the FBI, in the last 6 months of 2014, many Americans lost more than $ 82 million in online dating fraud in situations similar to the one Riolo reported.
What are some warning signs? When someone you have not met in person wants to quickly leave the application of messages from the dating site, and the privacy it offers, to talk on the phone or send messages to your email. Or once they have established an online relationship, the suitor makes up many excuses to avoid meeting in person. Or when you cancel an appointment, to finally meet, just at the last minute for extravagant reasons . A subsequent request for money that involves expenses for members of your family, medical problems or a business in which you went wrong.
Are you paying some karma with the couple you have?
In our survey, more women than men (56% vs. 41%) reported having doubts about trying online dating for fear of scams. Monica Whitty, psychologist and author of "Truth, lies and trust in the Internet" (Routledge, 2008), is working to develop new ways to detect and prevent online fraud, as a program with the potential to identify scammers through language What do they use. And AARP is asking leading online dating sites such as Match.com and OkCupid to explain to their members how common and devastating, financially and emotionally, these scams can be.
Meanwhile, there are a couple of easy things you can do to avoid falling victim to a romantic scam. Do not hesitate to do a search online, using the full name of the suitor, to see if your photos and affirmations match what you put on social media . And look at the photos well. Typically, scammers will use glamorous photos that they steal from someone else with the appearance of models.
At the end of the day, remember the old saying: If someone seems too good to be true, it probably is .