Welcome to my post apocalyptic life episode 1- life is change or teach the whale to dance or bio reboot
One has called me many things some good some bad, I might be some of these things, all, or none. In the end it is irrelevant as your perception of me will change depending on the expectations I might or might not fulfil. The us that we are is an accumulation of puzzle pieces curated through experiences, perception and ever transforming viewpoints depending how new data received colours the stream.ultimately I am work in progress enfolding before the eyes of the world around me but also shaping and being shaped by it in kind. I was born 1968 in a solar system with nine planets and now live in one with 8 without changing location. So fickle is the human way of classifying things as well as ever changing.
I sing, compose, write and paint. I am Vegan, an environmentalist, human and animal rights advocate and also religiously worship pie! As somewhat of a hermit you can find me lurking in the shadows or under your bed. Yes I am most likely mad as a hatter and often socially awkward - I am here for the pot brownies and the souls I shall collect for my kitchen cabinet. I have a longstanding love affair with Science and my interests are obsessively varied ranging from the arts, cooking and crafting to couchsurfing, dance and martial arts.What else to know about me I run a small animal sanctuary with mostly senior animals. My soul as dark as the ink it bleeds on paper or transforms into pixels on a screen.
I am battling a progressive debilitating congenital Illness that is slowly taking chunks of me but I refuse to let it define me or break me. My childhood was troubled and at some points very dark. I have travelled and explored this planet I call home and was privy to awe striking life changing beauty of our habitat but also unfathomable horrors often constructed by the hands of humankind. I believe that everyone of us has the ability to grow and rise from the confinements of our societal norms, education levels and past but also am pragmatic enough to know that most rather suffer in the chains they know then find freedom in the unknown or uncomfortable.
I have come to the realisation that in many ways I have lived the last 18 years of my life in an emotional and mental vegetative state I am at a crossroads. Do I continue to play dead and let life pass me by, or do I rise from the ashes and start crafting my own destiny again.
One of the things I have always known, but have been very much ignoring the past years, is that reality and destiny are shaped through our actions and the mindset within we operate. What one believes determines the development of future events, psychologically but also quite figuratively. If you ask me what I think the purpose of life is I would say to evolve and become the best version of oneself, but I also believe that an evolved being naturally recognises its responsibility toward the ecological well being of the planet and the prosperity of all sentient beings. Today’s society is a nightmare and the survival of the human race is clearly dependent on a shift from the self centred and destructive patterns of Mainstream society.
We humans as dominant species have a duty as stewards of this planet and should strive as individuals to leave it in better shape then we found it when we arrived. To use a Christian analogy (although I am more of an agnostic practising pagan traditions) I am my brothers/sisters keeper. All life is connected and no man, woman, animal or child should ever have to face homelessness, hunger, illness or violence. We have an obligation to help and protect the innocent, if we refuse we cannot call ourself civilised. Sadly many humans do not care about anything outside of themselves and/or their nuclear family and because of that we have become a blithe to the Earth and all other inhabitants we share her with. Still giving up is not an option to quote the movie Galaxy Quest “Never give up never surrender !”
If we want to survive we will need to change and adapt. Living means learning and learning means change. Life is change, everything changes you. You are not the same person you where an hour ago, nor will you be the same person tomorrow. We create the parameters within we chose to operate, every choice has consequences for ourselves and the world around us. Ultimately first step toward changing the world for the better must always start within our own person. If we call ourselves civilised we need to acknowledge that our first responsibility lies within our actions, we need to stop blaming others for the things we do and become accountable for our deeds.
I used to eat, live and breathe my beliefs- was big on living by example. In 2000 my 12 year old daughter had a stroke and it set a whole extreme cycle of traumatic events in motion which swallowed me whole. I do not know when it happened but at some point I must have stopped fighting and let myself slip into a whole world of depression, eating disorders you name it. Which I am now trying to manoeuvre out of.
My life has not been an easy one I survived an abusive childhood, two extreme stalkers, an abusive ex who left me to vegetate with broken limbs in a small room for 3 months, to name a few of the highlights. I have been shot, beaten, terrorised , humiliated. survived child rape and molestation, rape and sexual assault as an adult. In the end I was my own worst enemy putting my self in extremely dangerous situations, often for a worthy cause but in most cases carless in my execution, as if I was tempting fate or death itself to claim me or go to hell; in the end I miraculously survived even my worst self.
During my dark phases I engaged in a series of self destructive behaviours including a 10 month affair with Heroin, a few years of sporadic drug stints, as teen I had picked up the bad habit of self harm which lingered until adulthood. Battling the demons of my childhood, Bi-polar disorder and OCD made these descents into darkness dangerous but against probability I survived to tell the tale (or bury a lot of it in a dark vault).
on my 40th birthday after researching the horrific lives non human sentients live within agricultural enslavement I transitioned from vegetarian to Vegan and never looked back. shortly after I decided to give up smoking, a 30 year habit so one could say I am now living relatively healthy; but obviously “ relatively” is not enough . Due to my illness I have let myself fall into this sedentary lifestyle succumbing to the words of doctors and my own depression. As person who has gone through the whole array of eating disorders from anorexia, to bulimia, to being over weight - rinse wash repeat- I now have landed at fat as a whale. As someone who was always physically active now being tied to bed and/or wheelchair did not help the situation; nor did my affinity to high fat junkfood, and even though plant based junk is 1000% better than animal products it still leaves me a sedentary beached whale …
To Quote myself :
“Life is change, everything changes you. You are not the same person you where an hour ago, nor will you be the same person tomorrow. We create the parameters within we chose to operate, every choice has consequences for ourselves and the world around us.“
It is time for me to change the perimeters of my life. I can give in to what doctors and my own negative thoughts tell me, or punch them in the face and thrive. This is the thing my Neurologist told me with the level of damage to my nerves currently, I should not be able to walk; but here I am the whale with no feeling in her flippers walking (albeit indoors ) against all odds and lately from my tomb I have been thinking what if ? What if I try to do more ? Try do get my self to the point I can dance again ? Do yoga ? What if I face the demons that have possessed me since childhood and reclaim some of the dreams I thought never possible for a misfit toy such as myself. Life is change, and as long as I am alive I have the capacity for change and miracles. It is not going to be easy, I am a difficult complex creature but every journey starts with a first step. I want to leave a life behind I can be proud of trying to make a difference in most that I do (occasional silliness in-between to grease the machine).
I have decided to go on Zyara- Zyara is an Arabic word for visit but its deeper meaning equates to the path of self discovery. When one goes on Zyara on engages on the path of the new the unexplored to make sense of things to find balance. I have realised that I need to revamp my life completely because the old has become less than viable or worth existing in. Everything changes and I need to take a good look at the person I am today and define where she should be heading. I need to find solutions to create a better future for myself. I cannot preach freedom, change and self responsibility if I hide within the cage I made for myself. I need to once again live what I preach but also I deserve better point blank. It is time to claim a better happier life for myself, one step at the time. There will be bumps in the road and the shadows still lurk but what do I have to lose.
You the observer might have noticed that I pot a lot of different content , some political , Some scientific, Some silly, Vegan, green and humanitarian propaganda can be found here! I am a musician, writer and visual artists so there is a lot some of that here as well. I plan to do movies again, something I did when I was younger .
So starting at the point of now what do I know about myself what is still valid? I am female of mainly Russian decent , Bi-(or pan)sexual , Unapologetically opinionated, Pro life (however very much for the free and anonymous day after pill, free vasectomies, tube plugs, free contraceptives and extensive sex ed in school from an early age) , I am a radical vegan and environmentalist and do not suffer fools, the lazy and or self-centred lightly. So yes I am difficult, it happens ;)
I have been writing since I was 12 where I left short poems on walls -everywhere. My first poem on paper was written when I was about 15, my second when I was 21 , from then it just wouldn't stop... For me, poetry is a compulsion and one of the seven plagues I am afflicted with music is another one . I sing I can play several instruments. One could almost say I am musically possessed considering that the voices that spill out of me are legion and non quite like the other. I can paint, knit crochet use power tools. Have some engineering talent and can swing a mean hammer.
I used to dream of being the matriarch of a very large family I had this vision of me as old woman sitting at the head of a very long table decked out in a feat with children and grand children and great grand children filling the seats. I wanted to build a city a utopia, I wanted a love as deep as the ocean that would last an eternity, I wanted to create a better world , magnificent art , travel some more , document, film , explore , research , invent …
People change , things change . I am not sure what I dream of now or what is still possible for me. I guess I will have to find out one step at the time, start with what is easiest healing my body, teaching the whale to dance un till she becomes a mermaid once more. All i know is that for the first time in a long time I want to live, i just need to relearn how to…
To be continued …
Image powered by @enginewitty
(Image credit Dave Renike and a portrait of the fair jubilee made by myself turned into this here universal truth meme)
Artists & Musicians wanted for the One Project
art courtesy of @PegasusPhysics
this little girl was made for me by @barbara-orenya