Being a fangirl is not easy. Especially if you are a K-Pop fangirl. Other people mock us just because we idolize people who don’t have the same nationality as us. They criticize us for not being patriotic. They criticize us for loving people who are rumored to have gone under the knife (plastic surgery). They criticize us for loving men who loves to wear makeup.

What they don’t know is that these people makes us happy. We idolize them not just because of their visuals. We idolize them because of their talent and because they work so hard just to make their fans happy. Even to the point that they sacrifice their own happiness in exchange for the happiness of the fans that love them.

Source SHINee (pronounced as Shiny)

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Earlier this evening, as I finished drawing something for a challenge on Steemit, I opened my facebook account to post the link on our #steemitachievers group. But instead of posting directly, I stumbled upon a very disheartening, heartbreaking, and unacceptable news. One member of my favorite group, SHINee, died.

Source

The original headline that I saw was "SHINee Jonghyun Passed Away, Police Investigates".

I was so shocked. I gasped so loud that @kneelyrac, who was beside me at the time, was also startled. She asked me what was wrong and I remember telling her that one of my favorite idols died.
(Note: Korean singers are called idols)
I didn't know at that time what the reason was. I just read the headline and thought that maybe it was fake news. I was in denial. I read it again and realized that Soompi was the one that reported it.
(Soompi is one of the most trusted k-pop news outlet.)

And that was when everything sunk in. He is dead. DEAD. Not on hiatus, not jailed, not in a coma, but DEAD! I didn't want to believe it. I opened the article and what I read broke my heart the most.

It said that his sister reported to the police about a possible suicide. When they arrived at the apartment, he was found lying on the floor, unconscious. Coal briquettes were found burning. They tried to revive him and brought him to the hospital but they couldn't save him anymore.

After I read that, I was still in denial. I thought that if SM Entertainment did not confirm, then it was probably not true.
(SM Entertainment was where Jonghyun spent his youth, his second family, his second home.)
I was desperate to read an article saying that it was just a false alarm. That they were able to revive him and that he is admitted to the hospital for recuperation. But then SM released their statement.

KIM JONGHYUN, 27.

He was a bright and happy person. Always telling his fans how he loves them. Thanking them for always giving love and support to him and his members. He was loved by everyone, most especially by SHAWOLS (the fandom name).

You can't see traces and signs of depression on him. He was always smiling. But maybe we should have focused more on his eyes. Maybe we should have seen how he really felt. See the sadness and weariness in them. Asked him how he was doing. Asked him how he was feeling. How I wish we did all that.

Source

I can't imagine what he was going through, what was running through his head. I can't imagine what he must have felt when he kept on smiling but deep inside, he knew that something is wrong. It must have been so hard that he came up with the decision of taking his own life.

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He wrote this song for another artist. And I couldn't help but think that maybe it was what he always wanted to hear from us. That it's okay. And that we will always be there for him.

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As a fan, I am deeply mourning his loss. It is so hard to keep on writing about him in the past tense form. It is hard to accept it. We were always so proud to tell other fans that SHINee os one of the groups that still have all their members intact despite the departure issues on other groups. What we did not expect is this departure. He will never come back again.

He was an angel for us when he was alive. And he will always be an angel for us.

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His last text message to his sister:
"It has been really hard. Let me go. Tell me I did well. This is my last goodbye."

And his last Instagram post:

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To Jonghyun-oppa:

I hope that you are in a happy place right now. I hope all your worries, disappointments, and sadness are all gone. I will pray for the salvation of your soul. Be happy oppa. You will always be remembered. ❤

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The star who shone on stage is now a star that shines on the heavens above.

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With much love, your fan,

• Argine Rose ❤❤❤

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I really don't know what tags to use. This post is mainly an outlet for my grief. So I'll just use my usual tags.