Tweets by The Wise Sloth

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Whenever I fail at something, I imagine myself as a young Babe Ruth striking out.

Everyone has hurt someone. So we may as well either preemptively hate everyone or forgive everyone.

It defeats the purpose of getting/having/keeping someone in your life if you have to go out of your way to live up to their expectations.

Everytime you feel you’ve won an argument, there’s a 50/50 chance you just dogmatically defended your completely wrong self-serving delusion.

When you’re ready for meaningful change to happen in the world, stop watching meaningless, petty movies, TV shows and Youtube channels.

Just once I’d like to hear an American president address the fact that Americans live in constant fear of their own police force.

Instead of having a Republican and Democratic party, how about a Male and Female, or Young and Old, or Employer and Employee, or anything else?

White people aren’t the source of the world’s historical or modern systemic problems. Capitalists are. The problem is greed, not race.

When I hear people say, “I’m tired of hearing people talk about Trump,” I think, “Not talking about politics is how we ended up with Trump.”

Trump had the same effect on Americans talking about politics that J.K. Rowling had on kids reading books.

Why don’t liberals like Trump? They’re either biased or they see the same objective reasons the rest of the entire fucking world does.

I bet we could reduce the number of panic attacks in America by at least 80% by not requiring everyone to live in almost constant debt.

When men don’t get pussy, they turn into werewolves. When women don’t get dick, they turn into banshees.

I’m starting to suspect Trump has been on a coke bender since he got elected and hasn’t slept the whole time he’s been in office.

With everything wrong in the world today, you’ll explode if you don’t master the art of being mad without feeling mad.

Our culture is a patriarchy designed to oppress and degrade women, said no florist on Valentine’s Day ever.

Failure = practice.

It’s not male politicians holding women’s liberation back. It’s religious politicians.

When I hear how much it cost to make a movie, I wonder how many farms and homeless shelters humanity could have built instead.

You are not the sum of the way people have treated you.

Feminism had me at gender equality but lost me at kill all the white men.

Most Americans are more intensely and frequently afraid of seeing an American cop or doctor than a foreign terrorist.

Most Americans haven’t been to Europe, Africa or the Middle East, but most of them have been to their local police station.

I want my tax dollars to be spent paying a group of writers to write a book titled, “Survival Guide to Life.”

Relationships are mazes, not train tracks. There’s no backtracking in a maze. There’s only moving forward with what you’ve learned.

Every year on Super Bowl Sunday I celebrate sanity by not watching the Super Bowl.

Masturbating is like cooking. You can prepare a fine meal or grab a burger to go. Call me crazy, but I prefer Thanksgiving over fast food.

We should start calling social justice warriors, “The Alt-Left.”

If America must spend billions of dollars giving stuff away for free, medical texts books should be near the top of the list.

It defeats the purpose of ingesting something if it has zero calories.

“Experience has taught me that you only have two options in life:

1. Kick life in the balls.
2. Get kicked in the balls by life.”

I’m going to start periodically posting “words of the day” that are good to know. Today’s word is,”splinternet.”

Women obsess over men pleasing them emotionally, and men obsess over pleasing women physically. #oops

It’s worth noting that, while Trump got sworn in as president, thousands of Americans were reading my blog about how to go down on a girl.

My blog, “How to go down on a girl” got 100k views today. If you haven’t read it, you’re missing out.

You deserve more kudos than the world gives you. Don’t resent it. Just know it.

Step 1: Give someone advice. Step 2: Listen to why they’re not going to take it.

The rich fear bankruptcy more than bullets. If you want to motivate a rich person, then “speak their language.”

If only allowing current high school honor students to serve in Congress would seriously make America better, then why not seriously do it?

Raising taxes on addictive substances works every time… at making addicts poorer and/or turning to cheaper, more dangerous substitutes.

Getting mad at people when you don’t get what you want usually indicates you’re the selfish bad guy, and your enemy is the real victim.

Your character is reflected and created by what you talk about. This applies to your social media posts too. Share genius or be foolish.

People only argue semantics when they don’t have a real argument.

Everyone could eliminate at least half their problems by just shutting their mouth and not bitching and complaining about bullshit.

Science is just drawing conclusions from evidence. The only time people hate evidence-ology is when they’re refusing to admit they’re wrong.

We have 50 names for sexual orientations, but if you put anyone alone on an island for the rest of their life with anything, they’ll fuck it.

Nowadays, every time I drink milk I wonder what percentage of the bouquet of flavors I’ve come to know and love is the taste of udder pus.

We’re going to feel real sheepish if it turns out life was never anything more than just a birthday present from God.

This is an actual book you can buy on Amazon: President Domald Loch Ness Tromp Pounds America’s Butt

If you don’t think happy thoughts when things suck, then life is just pretty much always going to suck.

The fastest, easiest, best shortcut to climbing a mountain, still usually involves climbing a mountain.

To the extent I’m disappointed in America voting for Trump, I’m proud of them for not voting for Clinton.

If you’re going to boycott companies associated with Trump, boycott the RNC and DNC. Don’t keep paying the people who got us here.

Would someone please invent a website that exports my Twitter, Reddit, Facebook and Medium feeds into one scrolling wall?

Blind faith is more likely to lead you over a cliff than to the promised land.

Trump isn’t the problem. He’s a symptom of capitalism. Even if liberal Democrats could “beat” him, capitalism will send us more like him.

Instead of using school time to teach kids how to celebrate nonsensical holidays, let’s teach them how to solve problems during that time.

Learning how to overcome fear is more important than learning the quadratic equation. Yet schools are more likely to teach the latter.

Obama acting nonchalant about the first black president handing over power to a mentally unstable bigot, demonstrates his mastery of lying.

Hillary Clinton telling all Americans to just go with Donald Trump’s flow proves she couldn’t care less about the American people.

Trumps promises in his acceptance speech would have been more reassuring if he didn’t speak like a confused, semi-literate child.

The smile on Hillary Clinton’s face during her concession speech demonstrates her mastery of the art of lying in public with a straight face.

Trump’s plan to make America great again may as well have been to start a civil war, because it looks like that’s what he’ll do.

If you don’t like America, then leave. Oh, wait. You can’t, because America’s oppressive economy keeps you living paycheck to paycheck.

Right now I’m more proud to have a permanent residency visa to New Zealand than I am to be an American citizen.

I told friends jokingly I would prefer a Trump presidency over Clinton because he’ll bring a quicker apocalypse. The joke isn’t as funny now America elected a joke for president. Now the joke is on the American people.

Nobody who is laughing today will be laughing 4 years from now.

I’ve been saying for a year Hillary would win because of corruption. Turns out the system is less corrupt and more stupid than I thought.

I suspected Donald Trump was nominated to scare people into voting for Hillary Clinton, but what if it was the other way around?

@TheSafestSpace: Cultural appropriation destroys cultures by sharing their best ideas with other cultures…

Americans, don’t forget to exercise your right to vote on rigged elections today… if you’re into that sort of thing.

I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that life is just a reality TV show that God and angels have been binge-watching on celestial televisions.

You can tell an economy is broken if it costs a month’s wages to fulfill annual responsibilities like car repair and dental work.

It wouldn’t be so important to “get your shit together” as young as possible, if the system wasn’t designed to set you up for failure.

The sentence, “I like my ice crushed, but he likes his cubed,” isn’t interesting at all… unless an identical twin says it.

Christianity would benefit from churches paying taxes, because it would reduce con artists’ incentive to open churches and preach bullshit.

Life is more about what you are than what you have.

You go on vacation to find relief, only to find more of the same extortionate price gouging that was stressing you out in your home town.

Corporations won’t let politicians give us election day off. Why should they lose a day of our labor to vote on what they already decided?

Election day should be a national holiday almost as much as elections shouldn’t be rigged.

I wish Fitbit could make a device that, instead of measuring your heart rate, measures what a entitled, whiney, unrelenting asshole you are.