Last day of being 31
Just that title is enough to really set me in my place. I'm going to be 32 years old tomorrow morning at 6am. 32 years old...
By 32, I have managed to have some incredible experiences. My early adult years were a little wild and I grew into quite a Hippie. By now, I have been dealing with Chronic Pain for 7 years and Mental Health for 26 years. (Again, setting me in my place... holy hannah) I've been dealing with something for 26 YEARS.
So, the repeating is going to stop, I apologize. I am just really not sure about this whole turning 32 thing. I feel I should be further in life than I am, but in so many ways, I guess I am.
26 YEARS of mental health problems, but on Wednesday of last week, I graduated from Mental Health services. We discussed my reality and how I handle it. As dark as the situation is, I am stronger mentally than I ever have been. I will mention that the only reason I was referred to Mental health was after yelling at my doctor.
A situation I have learned so much from, yet I was right with doing so in the first place. This is where it all merges together.
7 years of Chronic Pain. Mostly un-medicated after trying more medications than I can count. They all affected my Mental Health in a negative way and did nothing for the pain, so I consume Marijuana for minor pain relief. I had Fibromyalgia and scoliosis first. I fell and gave myself whiplash, was bed ridden for 14 months and had to go to physiotherapy to learn how to walk again. I was off of work for 14 months, my muscles atrophied and I was only paid for 3 months, because my doctor was 'unable to answer questions' on the medical paperwork needed for my insurance at work.
I kicked Fibro's ass after that. I gained my muscles back and was able to walk and lift dinner plates without a struggle again. I was working out and working over time hours at my job, living and loving life. Feeling like I kicked Fibro's ass, nothing could get me down except the occasional flare up. I did not want to go back to relying on my doctor to have to fill out paperwork in order for me to get paid, I could push through pain. Except once.
On my return to work after 3 weeks off from a flare up (later to find out it could have been my herniated C4 through C7 herniated discs pinching my C7 nerve that was causing the flare up feelings), my life changed. I fell and fractured my right forearm. A distal radius fracture? -Trying to remember what my report says without looking. This fracture resulted in a life changing and debilitating disorder called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.
My doctor continued to tell me that I should try to work what I can and push through to the best of my ability. All paperwork regarding modified hours, she was also unable to answer the questions. No insurance to pay me for any time missed, so I have been trying to work what I can in a call center with CRPS for almost 3 years now.
CRPS is nicknamed the Suicide Disease because it is the highest rated pain condition to date and there is no cure. The pain is constant and rated on the McGill Pain Index as 42 out of 50, which is higher than childbirth, non terminal cancer, amputation of digit and anything else painful that you could think of. We live with it constantly and try to be what some people call 'Normal'.
So, when I went to my doctor that day and yelled at her... it was after a year of CRPS treatment, with no mention of CRPS in her notes or file (I have it). Her not sending me to a local pain clinic because it was new and she didn't know what they did there, but I knew the doctors who were opening it and just needed a referral. A long road of my inability to work a full shift in longer than I would like to admit, but my paychecks of $200 or less for the past 3 years speaks volume. (This pay, I might have made $100) Her telling me to keep doing my best, led me to not having the option of Unemployment Insurance because of my lack of hours worked over the past 2 years and my insurance at work being cut off for the same reason. I live off of nothing, with CRPS and other crap, because she has left me with no other option.
So that day I yelled at her, (I know, repetition continues, but these are my thoughts). I walked into her office with a hand written letter that I still have. I handed it to her and was silent while she read it. I started it off with how I didn't want to forget anything or get emotional (because that's how my mind works when it's controlled constantly by CRPS), but I needed her help with something we have had difficulties with in the past.It explains how pathetic my life has become and how the struggle of my pain is consuming everything. I need assistance financially and deserve her acknowledgement of this life consuming disorder I have so I can qualify for what's left. I asked for her help with CPP and receiving a disability tax credit to help me financially since I am entitled to it and have been since 2012.
She put the letter down after reading it and said she can't help me. So I yelled about her not caring and how it can make a person feel after all of those years.
She referred me to Mental Health and Addiction Services for my Marijuana consumption. I didn't even mention that here, but I've been trying to get a pill version of Marijuana to save my lungs, but have been refused since 2014. She wants me in rehab.
Ha!
Pain clinics are at least a little more advanced with that research, thankfully.
My next appointment with her, I made her a dream catcher and apologized for my outburst. I thought about it for a long time and honestly felt bad for not containing my anger better. I am normally a positive and chipper person.
But somehow, after my Mental Health appointment on Wednesday, I feel I was justified for my reaction.
I am allowed to stand up for myself, even with a doctor. I am entitled to the best life possible and this road needs to be easier for others to walk, even if it means I have to stumble a few times to find the way.
One day, maybe by the time I'm 42, there will be a set standard for protocols when dealing with CRPS. For all medical practitioners including nurses.
We are unique, our symptoms are jerks and consume almost every aspect of life. Our brains, pain, ability to do things and inability to do much more is enough to put a persons self esteem and self worth in the dumpster. Not to mention what it does to our loved ones when they try to hug us to comfort us, but it causes intense shocks of pain. They watch us slip down the slopes and change.
I need to take many steps towards raising awareness and possibly a cure for CRPS and I am doing all I can to get there in a positive way.
https://www.canadahelps.org/en/pages/walk-to-conquer-crps/
Donate to the 2nd Annual Walk to Conquer CRPS by going to the link above! The walk is on Saturday and there is still much to do, but again, one step at a time.
:)
I guess I learned a lot while dealing with all of this crap. May 32 be just as enlightening, less physically degrading than 31!
Be kind to your mind and make today a great day with positive thinking!
Positive thoughts,
-Kristen Sparkle
Day 150/365
Entry 66/183
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