I got this.... I think

Last week was a big week for me. I finally reached my goal of staying at work for all of my scheduled hours in the week.

2.5 hours a day for 5 days in a row. It does not sound like a lot to most people, but it takes a lot out of me to even attempt a full schedule. 8 hours of each day have to be dedicated to make those 2.5 hours work because of my chronic pain conditions. This may be my first or second full week since Feb 21, 2017 when I broke my arm and got the CRPS.

That damned CRPS.

Friday was the biggest challenge. I had been getting out bed by 5am most mornings because I couldn't sleep, I was sore and exhausted. We were having a freezing rain storm and every customer I talked to could tell I wasn't smiling and took advantage of it. They were all assholes and my clothes were soaked all day.

But I was proving a point to myself. I am not useless or hopeless.

I am challenged though. My body has been reminding me constantly since how stupid I was to push like that.

It was a difficult weekend for me, but I accomplished some housework while hanging out with my two step daughters (youngest was super sick and I think I might have caught something.) I even made an Instagram post (@HippieRaysWays) and wrote an entry here. I felt like super woman.

A cripple version who has to "Jimmy rig" everything to make them work. But a super woman none the less.

Yesterday morning (Monday) around 4:30am, I was ready to call in sick for the day and admit defeat. There's a lot going on in my personal life right now, on top of my super woman moments, I'm feeling very very closely related to the elastics that feel under my skin. We are pulled thin and ready to snap.

I didn't call in sick though. Oh no, I went. I walked in the -20 windstorm to work. I can't mess up my attendance record at work as I'm still on my new monitored schedule and near termination. I have no other option if I want to keep my job.

I regretted it as soon as I got at my desk for the day. I was having a 7/10 flare-up and was getting incredibly uncomfortable. But I pushed and was ready to leave by 2:15. I decided to take one more quick call so I could feel a small sense of accomplishment and maybe make it to at least 2 hours scheduled.

I have been at the same job for over 5 years now, I know how things work and have a surprisingly awesome record considering the pain levels I deal with. My customers love me and I enjoy talking to them for the most part.

But this lady at 2:15, I got tired of talking to her by 3:15. My scheduled shift was over at 3 and I did not get off the phone with her until 3:50. I could not help it halfway through, I was crying from pain during the call. I had snot and tears running down my face and it would not stop. And neither would she. I typed with my one arm for the entire call as she kept throwing numbers at me. (What real estate company needs every Xbox game released??) I was miserable and needed to at least get Kleenex for my face but couldn't. I listened to her voice set my arm into sheering pain from 2:15 until 3:50 and I was SO nice to her the whole time and she was SO rude to me. I even apologized and explained briefly why I "might have sounded upset" it wasn't her, it was me. Then when the call was done, of course my head set was stuck into my hair and my computer froze while holding her 26 shipments. I put my head on my desk and cried. Couldn't help it and my body had to release because I was on fire physically and still had to walk home in that freezing windstorm.

By the time I made it home I just burst into tears like I did when I was a kid and the kids at school were mean to me. I just exploded with tears. Sobbing and couldn't stop. Everything hit home at once.

How am I supposed to keep doing this?

It physically throws me into a frenzy and I fight myself and push my limits daily to do it.

My full schedule last week had 2.5 hours deducted from it because of my personal time I need to adjust my arm or washroom during each shift. So it's like I still haven't reached a full weeks pay in over 2 years. It's like I missed a full day.

Why am I still trying?

Because I have to. I have no other financial options. My body is ready to tap on me, but I am not ready to tap on me.

So, here I am on the second day this week. I was up all night with pain and crying, I look like Eeyore. It's disgustingly cold out there, but I have to go to work and pray that I don't get another call like yesterday.

I would much rather be able to stay at home and let my body relax from the stress. I could accomplish many positive things if that were the case. I could be me and breathe.

But I'm getting my battle armour on: 4 pairs of leggings under sweatpants, 3 shirts, leg warmer on right arm, compression glove on my right hand and a hoodie to hide what a bra should but I can't physically put one on.

There's an image for success.

So, I'm going to go to work and keep trying because what other option do I have if I want to succeed?

On a positive note, as I always like to try finding them. This week I have an appointment with a group of patients that live with various chronic conditions. I'm not sure if this is going to be a helpful group, but my doctor recommended it so I am trying. Also, I finally have my appointment with my pain specialist scheduled for April 10! I met my first pain specialist April 20, 2017 so this is a deja Vu feeling.

Positive thoughts for better days ahead.

I share this stuff on here in an attempt to hopefully inspire at least one person. Make the best out of each day, even if yesterday and the past 2 weeks or years have continuously handed you shit.

Keep smiling.

Because your only other option is to give in and be miserable with reality and that doesn't sound as exciting or opportunistic for positive ripples to be created.

Positive thoughts and 'Don't stop believing',

-Kristen Sparkle

Posted on WordPress and Steemit to inspire others