Holy Sugar
I'm not sure if this is going to be a bonus entry to help me make my goal on time or if this will count as tomorrows post, but I need to write.
This blog was originally created as a therapeutic attempt to release negativity to make space for positive vibrations and it might be used for just that today. Or maybe it won't, I'm not sure where I will go.
But I do know that I am seriously exhausted at this point. Yesterday I was up at 3:40 AM, this morning I was up at 4:50 AM. I don't work until 12:30 and I am in so much pain today I am not sure how far I will make it. Which sucks because it's Customer Service Appreciation week at work and I am Customer Service. I like being appreciated :) I'm just over broken and exhausted beyond belief. I look like Eeyore with the bags under my eyes.
Why can't I sleep? I'm tired. My body is tired and needs to rest. My mind is running a million miles an hour and my fears of hopelessness consume me. I can continuously hear my mothers plea in the doctors office the other day "I do not want to see my daughter in a wheelchair, there has to be something you can do". Yesterday at work an older lady told me I should just get a wheelchair so I didn't have to look like I was always in so much pain. I had a nurse tell me during an assessment in July that a cane would probably help alleviate some pressure from my left leg and help me walk better. But now the pain and problem is in both legs and I'm waiting to hear about a new nurse at the same clinic since August for further advice.
That's enough to drive a person batty. I'm getting worse, losing most of my independence and my mind it seems. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome takes over almost every nervous system in the body and I can really feel it these days. I'm a silly mess who can't figure out the basics.
Yet my determination and hope for better days is still strong. I may not physically be getting better, but I do have an idea of a bigger picture. I miss sleep, I miss my muscles, I miss my bra (sorry, but I really do), I miss my OCD cleaning skills, my drawing skills, my ability to walk like I did before. I miss it all.
This morning feels pretty shitty. I am either going to try to pull myself together and down the road for my shift or be stuck in the house again and try the bath, then couch, then bed, then bath routine to attempt comfort. A major funk.
On a positive note, I have 21 days until my project with my Soul Sister becomes live. I feel everything else is on the back burner until then due to my lack of energy and positive energy. There are lots of projects on the go and one by one they will all come together.
If I could just get myself physically together, that would be great.
I did manage to cut my walking stick to a somewhat appropriate size and am finishing it this weekend for use next week. Hopefully!
Another morning in the life of this Spoonie.
Be kind to your mind and everyone else, you never know when a person needs it and you could always use the kindness towards yourself <3
Positive thoughts
-Kristen Sparkle
Day 193/ 365
Entry 88/183
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