finding the positives after a challenging weekend
I could sleep sitting up right now. But it wouldn't last. I over did myself this weekend and have had a hard time dealing with the pain.
To most people who celebrate Christmas, it's about family and friends, big family dinner, exchanging gifts and being together. I enjoy those things too, but my favorite part is the decorations.
Since I was little, my mother would spend hours decorating the house perfectly and turning it into a tacky winter wonderland that just made you feel good to be in. I loved it.
Every year, her and her mother would decorate during a televised 6 hour telethon that raises money for children during Christmas. It is called Christmas Daddies and has been a maritime tradition since 1964. I grew up loving it and once I was able to have my own place to decorate, I too spent 6 hours decorating and creating a tacky winter wonderland for me and my step daughters to enjoy (I think hubby is starting to like it too).
This year was the first year my neck and arm combined kinda got the best of me.
I was counting down the days until Christmas Daddies, I was so excited and determined this year.
I spent 10 hours on Saturday trying to do what I do every year and admitted defeat before being finished. I was broken on Sunday beyond repair. My mother in law gave me pain killers and said I shouldn't live miserably if it can be helped. So I took them. The pain wasn't gone, but I was ok for a bit. I took a few Sunday. For me to take medication is a big deal. I was raised on the mentality that my mother gave birth to two children without a Tylenol so I could get over whatever I was going through.
Well, according to the McGill Pain Index, CRPS is higher rated then childbirth and other things. It's the highest rated pain condition to date. I fight that crap 24/7. Medications and me do not mix though. At all. Read my previous posts, it talks about me remaining medication free and why.
But Sunday, I needed help. So I took some medication. Sunday night I'm crying because my life came to this. I wanted to do something nice, that was close to my heart, and decorate for Christmas during Christmas daddies like my mom and her mom have done for years, but it killed me and I had to take medication to stop moaning and living in misery around other people. I want to do so many things in life and this body is holding me back.
Again Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. I haven't slept right in forever, but a solid 2 weeks of extremely miserable sleep patterns and messed up dreams combined is making me want to scream. So I got up and called in sick from work, took more medication and tried sleep again. 20 minutes pass and I keep thinking about the chaos that my house has been in since Friday night preparing for and going through Christmas daddies and how I'm failing at life.
I got out of bed thinking I could push to finish decorating so I could get my house in order and at least accomplish my job as a housewife since nothing else is working out. With the help of more medication, heated pad on neck and heated blanket wrapped around me, I managed to finish decorating, but cleaning is another subject.
I honestly spent the evening and night crying about my situation in and out of Epsom salt baths. I look like a pickled Eeyore this morning.
I fight to remain medication free so I can stay mindful and positive to help others. I was visibly messed up for 24 hours, just so I could do something that hasn't been this challenging so far.
I can deal with not being able to draw or write, hula hoop, play piano or guitar, do yoga or take care of myself properly. But not being able to decorate for Christmas hurt my heart, I wasn't prepared for that. I feel like a kid around Christmas, with all the glitter and lights, I love snowmen and snow globes. These things just make me feel good no matter how down the reality is.
But all of the sudden, I had to truly fight with myself to make it happen. I know I'm getting older, but at 31 I'm not that old. I have much more of a life to go through (hopefully) and the reality is, I'm more than likely going to get worse physically.
So I was in a pretty low funk yesterday, haven't touched medication since 2pm yesterday and have been mindfully miserable since. I can't believe I had to do that for 24 hours and truly hate how medication makes me feel.
This morning I got out of bed at 6 and decided it was going to be a good day regardless of this extreme pain I'm in and the snow storm outside. I'm gonna walk to work and it's going to be a good day.
Then I realized, sh*t. Today is the 4th.. I have my attendance management meeting at work to review my past 45 days. I don't think I have had one full shift in the past 45 days. It's freezing in Nova Scotia and I walk to work. Can't smoke marijuana at work (my medication of choice, I can control my brain and the pain is dulled minorly depending on strain, stress, amount and weather). I'm miserable for my shift but have to be pleasant to coworkers and customers. I love my job, but it is hard to do properly when I'm currently untreated.
Last time I received treatment for my CRPS, I traveled 4 1/2 hours and had to stay for a week. That was in August and the doctor has since retired. I have been on a 2-5 year waiting list for a local clinic, but CRPS gets worse over time if left untreated.
I have been waiting since August for a brand new clinic to open up in my area that treats CRPS. It was supposed to open mid November and after checking the website daily, I wasn't sure if mid November was ever going to come.
But this morning I checked and they announced Halifax is now open!!
Now to wait for my doctor to fill and send the referral, hopefully I can get in soon! This is great news for the morning of my attendance management meeting.
I am trying to remain focused on the positives today regardless of the flames under my skin and attendance management meeting.
No matter what happens, I have found a way to help others in similar situations. By spring, I should have something established for many of us to get on our soapboxes and raise awareness. I am proud of that.
May today be a good day. No matter what our situations are, we need to find a reason to smile. Being miserable helps nothing. Watch a happy movie, read a good book, walk in nature and enjoy your surroundings. Just smile. It's worth it.
Positive thoughts,
-Kristen
