Today I am overcoming my fear of sharing and no better way to achieve this then to put into a permanent blockchain haha.
My health over the past 4 years has severely deteriorated, not to give you the wrong picture here I do not have cancer or any other disease that can be crippling in that matter. Just wanted to clear that up as I take cancer seriously I've had multiple family members have this terrible disease.
I still suffer depression, and stress related condition known as "conversion syndrome" basically my brain shuts down my control of motor functions and basically my muscles just start firing rapidly until I'm being pulled in every direction imaginable by my own body with no control of it, I'm fully conscious the whole time and i'm just a passenger on this roller coaster of a ride. To give you some clarity of what it looks like from an outsiders perspective, mix dystonia with a stroke and throw in some epilepsy for a good understanding. As you can imagine "fucking scary". All from being very 'thought heavy' and I analyse everything.
Along with this comes a problem when wanting to make a change, fear starts to arise it's ugly head and bring back memories and nightmares and very strong vivid dreams where if i was shot I would feel it. I remember one dream super clear, i had a girls hair stuck in my teeth and the individual hairs begun to bind around my individual teeth and every time I went to pull away it felt like someone had taken pliers to my teeth and just start ripping them out.. but i had a conscious thought in my dream and realised I'm in a dream and I have the power to wake up.. So you can see why i would fear change and start to stress and so on and so forth, the new loop starts..
In line with this I have always been a heavy drinker, alcoholic some would call me. Until recently maybe the past 3-4 months i have cut back dramatically because it actually hurts me. Gradually this has become stronger and stronger and a few nights ago I felt the wraith of this pain. All I drank was 4 longnecks in a 3 hour period (pretty low amount and slow for me) but the pain I was in when i went to bed was unbearable! Along with all the self hating comments to myself of how much of an idiot I am, thoughts like this "how come you don't pull your head in c*%t" or "what are you doing with your life, you're a failure" or "you might be intelligent and have brains but your a fucking idiot when it comes self discipline."
The reflux I was experiencing was like holding your arm over bonfire or getting a jet lighter and burning your skin. I swear it was melting my insides! I was in a ball, in fetal position, crying.. after 3 hours of this and no sleep, I rummaged through the house to find some Antacid tablets. I found the box and immediately started chewing on 3 double strength dry as biscuit tablets and washed it down with water and swished water around so I could get all of these 3 tablets in me! Whilst doing this I'm yelling at myself in the mirror of the bathroom, hurling some more abuse at myself to really rub in the fact I'm not happy with myself, then a couple of sighs, then some regret, then some reflection, then some anger, then some disappointment, then some hope, then change happened.
Waited an hour and finally it subdued, I layed back in bed and I had already made up my mind it's time to listen to my body for once - my thoughts at 4am "I should feel fortunate I'm very in tune with my body. I ignore it and choose not speak to it because that's change and if i change then "who am I?". Who are YOU? You have a vision of who you want to be Benjamin but you are to weak to do it. Make a change mate.. Make the change.. Change.. OK, I'm in.. lets do this!"
I wake up at 8am, tired and feeling sick and bloated. I didn't eat all day, then my partner cooks a roast (my favs) and we always have a big meal. I eat the whole plate despite being sick, bloated, dizzy wanting to throw up. Then I think back to my thoughts while trying to make myself throw up or burp or a no.2, you idiot, you haven't made the change we agreed upon ( we meaning my self consciousness and consciousness) fucking weak you are.. didn't even try. Pfft. You'll die 10-15 years before you should and you deserve it at this rate.
That last part there about dying I was actually honest to myself and it is the true outcome of eating crap and drinking and just being lazy and abusing your body. But it actually gave me the shock I needed to actually really commit.
Today marks my 3 day fast on nothing but water and apple cider vinegar because that's what I felt I needed. Tomorrow marks the first day of juice I will be doing out of fruits and vegetables for 3 days then on the seventh day I will be 'Pescatarian' because I will still eat fresh fish and seafood. This is a huge step for me, I adore the taste of meat (I eat my steaks rare and most meat rare, I also love beef jerky or any jerky and love venison) my partner is also Fijian, and Fijian's love there big meals and meats so it's going to be difficult but I have support that I need.
Just wanted to get this off my chest and hopefully gives someone else hope they can make a change and I'll keep you guys updated throughout my struggles and tribulations under the heading About Me