"So is This Platonic, or Romantic?" My Struggle in Polyamory.
I feel like things can be so self explanatory in cisgender, heteronormative relationships. You get along at an event, realize you have similar interests, or there's overbearing attraction, you cultivate this person and they become the apple of your eye, the light at the end of your dark tunnels, and your potential lifelong companion until you croak. When you meet someone new the chances are your mind isn't on romantic possibilities if you're already taken, unless you're the type to cheat, in which case, I don't apply this to you, you stay in the shadows, you.
My life however, has me questioning nearly every person I come across as a potential romantic partner, even if I'm just looking for friends in the moment. For example, in one of my college classes, Feminism and Philosophy, I started vibing with the girl next to me during class, gave her a compliment yesterday on her shoes and insight on the topics we cover, and she was delighted at my words, and I got her number seconds later. Throughout this exchange, I'm sitting here content to just get to know this person, and my motives aren't in question in the slightest.
Until she asks me "Yeah, I'm totally cool with swapping numbers, question though...just so we know where these boundaries and stuff are right now, are you asking me as a romantic interest or platonically?" The only answer I can give her is the only one I know for situations like this, and it's very truthful. "I'm not sure, I don't really throw a dart at that kind of thing, both?"
I think I've grown past my "love at first sight" days that I used to drool over, today I'm more keen on getting to know someone personally before physically, if I can help it. I'm not sure if this would develop the same way it has if I had stuck to monogamous relationship styles. Maybe it would carry over and develop just fine, but I personally feel like I'd be stuck in lala land half of the time and not be quite so careful as I am today.
She told me that she's in a happy monogamous relationship with a guy, and I'm almost happier than if she said she was single. You see, I have a lack of actual friends in my life, I have partners aplenty, but making friends can feel like pulling teeth at times, half the people I approach with the intent of being platonic friends with, end up being romantic partners, and the other half, just don't gel with me and things quickly fizzle out.
Poly people don't really think about the "friend zone" do we? At least, I don't. I can't see why most of us would, it's not like we only have one option or only want one person in our lives, so why would we be resentful of rejection? I'm not, I'm just bad at making friends, because I'm into so many types of people, it makes it hard to connect with other on a more...relaxed level. I'm a very intense person, I talk with my hands, my inflections often dictate the pace of a conversation, and I look for any opportunity to make a witty (not neccecarily good) joke.
So my breaking the ice is like "Do you have a Fetlife account?" or "Would you like to get stoned and talk about the universe?" instead of "Hey let's go to the club and get drinks." or "let's go see that game next weekend." I don't like wasting time, I like intimacy with others so I can get right into the depth of them and the meat of their brain, and figure out if this person is even someone I'd like the pleasure of spending extended periods of time being around. I'm basically this Bee.
It is exhausting. You have no idea the amount of people that look at me or read one of my profiles and automatically assume I'm someone they shouldn't get involved with, for a myriad of reasons. Even someone I have a date with this Friday, told me last night that she was intimidated by my profile and decided to stay cautious and wait to attempt to get closer to me. Once she got a day or two of sinking her teeth in talking with me, she was excited to get drinks with myself and my girlfriend, and now understands why we're both so into her!
So I don't know if it's because I'm poly and people are extremely intimidated by open relationships, if it's because I'm trans and they're weirded out / scared of that, or whatever it might be. I had someone tell me they didn't take me as seriously as a different partner, just because I already had a primary partner of my own. Made no sense to me. I already have a girlfriend, so you don't give me the same treatment as your new partner, like I should expect my partner to fulfill what I'm looking to get out of you as well as her? I didn't quite understand it, relationship views are so strange and so all over the board for each individual person.
I don't like throwing that "I'm interested in you romantically/platonically" dart, because feelings are always subject to change to begin with, I just want to tell people "I'm into you, hi." and go from there, make each other laugh, share things with one another, and if romance blossoms out of that...who am I to say no to organic bliss? Walking around campus wondering these things earlier today really made me excited to keep studying in the Psych field so I can maybe find some answers to the questions I've asked myself in this writing. I'm sorry it's rambly, but it's totally what's been on my mind, and what better place to put my extended thoughts, than Steemit.
Well written and insightful! I have a few things I'm working on as a response. You've got my vote and follow!
Hi, I'm poly (amorous (my name is Amber lol)). I really enjoyed reading your post and some of the points you raised.
For me being poly is all about being able to walk down that path and see what happens without feeling guilty, I'm all about spontaneity. I think that's similar to what you say about not sticking a dart in it either way.
Funnily enough, one of the things I struggle with being poly is all the goddamn planning! In fact, I often have one partner and I don't pursue anything further because if I have multiple partners and so does my partner, then everything needs to be planned and booked in- creating the very certainty I struggle with in monogamy ! Oh the irony!
I'm happy only having one partner but knowing that should I want to get to know someone else, I'm not limited- That's polyamory for me. Knowing that it's my choice, regardless of whether or not I actively have multiple partners at the time.
I read an article once where the author said "at the end of the day, relationships are complicated whatever you choose-and this way I get to kiss pretty girls". I think of that whenever I get those questions like "isn't it really complicated?", "don't you get jealous?" etc.