Behind The Scenes

Most people seem to lack interest in watching what's going on behind the curtains of a movie. I know that because I myself did that back then. I mean, what's the point? I can probably predict what's there already, even before I have a look myself. Cables, wires, cameras at different angles, those are probably it.
If you take a look at a story as well, you don't need to see a script to appreciate how the people behind it did all the work. You can already see that they did a very awesome job at it. The actors and actresses all did great, and that's the end of it all.

But when we talk about love, it's different.

You know, I used to look at my life as a movie.
Not just that, but I am also the director and script writer of my own life story. Every waking moment, I always think that I am the main character. I am the actress of a movie. I am taking the lead role in a drama. Then I would think if I will have a happy day ahead or another sad one. Sometimes I would write the script ahead of time, plan out how the scenes happen, at what time and moment I should execute it. If some unwritten things happen, I scratch the script and go along with the flow. It's as easy as that.

Sadly though, when things go wrong, I can't edit it out. I cannot mend the mistakes I make and take another taping of the scene, no. What's done is done. It's as if I'm writing the movie as it gets along. I am not going to have any retakes. Every night, when I finally replay the tapes and lay them all before me to double check, I comprehend whether or not I should edit the scenes. If I don't see anything worth showing, I keep silent and throw it all away. Once again, I have to prepare myself to meet people, see places, and face feelings in a much better way.

Then now I realize, if you take a look behind the scenes on one's life movie, you may see a nervous, anxious, probably scared person. You might wonder why she's like this when you think she's not the kind of person. It will make you think: "I don't really see her crying much. Is something wrong with her?" Or maybe, you'd think: "I thought she already was over the guy. What's she doing now that no one's watching?" The truth is, to make the movie worth watching, she had to make it look like she's fine, as if all her sorrow, anguish, pain, and problems don't have any effect on her. She won't let you see what she's really going through. You won't see the fear and the sadness in her face. You probably might never even know why you saw something like that only in hidden view.

What do you call her then? I bet right now, you're calling her...
scared,
weak,
fragile,
right?

The truth is, she's scared that people who watch her life story would get it all wrong. She's afraid that people would think that she's obsessed or crazy or delusional because what they saw was her happy side where in fact she was totally in pain inside. And she thinks something like that should be kept hidden away, locked up in the chests of heart heart, and never looked at again. She throws many of her written scripts away because all it seemed now was useless and garbage.
That's what's really behind it all.

You know, sometimes people just don't really understand all that because they themselves don't realize that they're doing the same thing. They are also masking their feelings out. They pretend that they're so strong, so violent, so brave where in fact they're actually afraid of what might come. Their lives have become movies, and their movies become their lives. They have become actors and actresses in real life. Even by accident.

The truth is, what we really wanted to do was to connect. We want to feel that someone else can relate to the movie we're making. We need someone to understand why we do things this way, even though they don't follow the script. We watch other people's life movies, thinking if they are like us, if we're not alone in this isolating world full of people who may only care about their own scripts.
This is the true purpose of having behind the scenes. This is the time when we sit and share our ideas to make a movie better looking for others to watch, to achieve a goal that not just one person can make. This is the time when we can relate, react, and fix our future mistakes. It is when we realize we need other people's love, support and cooperation to make the movie a success because it is not something you can do alone.

But now, honestly, I want to peek at another movie's curtain to see if it matches with my own, see if I am doing the right things to synchronize with another's heartbeat, see if his movie and mine are rolling quite similarly, if the movie he's making up front isn't the truth in his script.

Because you can only know and truly understand a person if you take a look behind the scenes.