SURVIVALIST #28 Surviving Loss from Death or Divorce
In 1999, I married my first husband. Only a few years later, a still, small voice and my gut instinct started whispering to me that something was awry. After a lifetime of dealing with natural and man-made disasters, I started preparing for yet another one. One day my husband came home from work with a statement about needing gear for training at work; he loaded up his trunk and drove off as though all was well. When I went to put laundry away that night, I was shocked and infuriated to learn that he had actually moved out! Luckily for me, I had listened to my helpers and kept preparing, so I was somewhat ready for the financial gut punch when it came.
My story may be all too familiar to some readers. Others may have faced a similar shocking loss of a spouse through death or may be supporting someone through a terminal illness while trying to plan for the future effects of their impending death. No matter which way we come to this point, there are things we can all do to prepare for a devastating change of marital situation. For couples with a passion for emergency preparedness, this can really be a one-two punch: we are losing a life partner and our best back-up in a crisis. Many of us work in fields that can be dangerous, which is what draws us into the preparedness community to begin with - people in the military community and first responders come to mind in this instance. When I remarried, I knowingly accepted the risk of losing my spouse due to our nation being at war, and I have used my first experience, combined with my other life experiences, to plan accordingly. I share the following with you not as a “be all and end all” list that will get you through the loss of your loved one, but as suggestions that I hope will be of use to you as they were to me. I’m even going to tell you a few things I did wrong during my separation in the hopes of helping you spot holes in your own plans.
What I did right:
Put a little money aside every payday. I was working a part-time job (less than 10 hours a week). My first husband scoffed at the amount and suggested I start a checking account to buy homeschool books with. I did exactly that, and every paycheck went into it. When my hours doubled, then doubled again, he never bothered to ask what I was making, and I had several thousand dollars in the bank on that fateful day. Not everyone can put aside a whole paycheck, of course, but having money in savings, or some cash tucked away, is never a bad thing.
I bought extra groceries every shopping trip. This sounds simple and perhaps even silly to those in the preparedness community, but it can make a big difference. Every trip to the warehouse on payday was around the same amount, so it was never questioned, not even when he took over the bill paying to keep me from seeing his purchases. Each of my trips included spare cases of fruit and vegetables that got tucked away in the pantry; ramen noodles and peas may not be the most nutritious meal on the planet, but if you’re a single parent trying to feed little mouths, you’ll be glad you have them set aside. I may have skipped a few meals, but my children never went hungry.
Kept to myself. My personal security plan was to keep things looking normal. All of my neighbors were accustomed to my ex’s odd hours and overtime, so nobody thought anything of not seeing his vehicle at the house. Only my best friend knew what was going on. Knowing that I was on my own meant mentally planning for anything that could go wrong around the house. I had already made those plans assuming that in an emergency, he’d be at work. This same philosophy has served me well with my second husband when he has to travel. I am careful not to advertise that I’m sailing this ship on my own, and as grateful as I am to have him home, I have rehearsed how to handle things without him - even, as the joke goes, down to killing my own spiders.
Kept to my routines. When all else fails, we are creatures of routine. We know we have certain things we must do every day, and having kids, pets, livestock, a job, and other things to deal with each day helps distract us from our trials and keeps us motivated to keep going.
What I did wrong:
Kept to myself. This bit me in the rear end a few times! Despite the support of my best friend and her husband, I would have benefited greatly from even more support in my community.
Let go of the purse strings. While this isn’t necessarily a red flag in all relationships, when you handle the bills for multiple years, then the other half wants to take care of the finances, you might raise an eyebrow. Thankfully bank technology was evolving at the same time my marriage was, so I was able to keep an eye on things from our bank website and shuffle things where I could. However, I should have paid more attention the moment that demand was made.
Waited for the gut feeling before saving up. Had I been saving from the very beginning, I would have had more months of mortgage payments available to me when I didn’t receive child support and got laid off at work. While my savings came in handy, I do look back and wish I had more.
So, these little tips may be useful for folks with marriages on the rocks. What about those of you with an amazing spouse, who just want to make sure you’re both protected should illness or an accident take one of you away from the other? These same things apply, but you can work on them together knowing that you are setting each other up for success if the worst strikes. Effective communication about money, such as your current financial needs, your goals for your funds, and how you’ll pay for your future, are essential. Take the time to sit down with a financial advisor and figure out what kind of investments and life insurance policies best suit your needs, and how to care for your family if one of you is no longer earning a paycheck due to a disabling accident or death. Determine how the working partner will handle things if a stay-home parent usually provides all childcare and transportation. At the very least, set a goal to eliminate any debts you have together; best case scenario, work hard to get debt free and have many happy golden years together with very few financial worries!
Ensure you have wills, health care directives, and powers of attorney if applicable. Remember to have everything looked over whenever you have a major life change, such as the birth or adoption of a child, buying or selling a home, etc. Make sure these and other vital documents are stored safely, and make another trusted person aware of them as well. Should anything happen to both of you simultaneously, you’ll want to make sure that person has access to your legal documents and anything else they might need to handle your affairs. Don’t forget a list of bills, bank accounts, and passwords. If one of you usually does all the banking and informs the other of how things are going, the surviving spouse will need that information to handle the task while the estate is settled. If you are partners in preparedness, you may already have this handled; simply review it annually.
If you or your spouse travel a lot, are members of the military, first responders, or work in other dangerous fields, you may have options available at low or no-cost for planning such things. Military service members can have wills and powers of attorney contracted at their base Legal office, while some corporations will have a staff attorney who can help with such matters. Some police guilds, and fire/EMS unions, have contracts with attorneys for discounted rates on similar services. If you don’t fall into one of these categories, and don’t already have a trusted legal advisor, research the laws of your state regarding a personally written Last Will and Testament. In some places, you can download a template from a website, fill in the fields as applicable, and then sign it in front of two witnesses and have it notarized. Some bank and credit union managers even encourage this, because you having a will makes your estate, including your bank accounts, easier for everyone to navigate legally in the event of your death.
What if, as you’re reading this article, you are dealing with the issues that face a surviving spouse? First of all, you have my condolences and my prayers. Secondly, while doing my own research, I found two very useful articles that are meant to be checklists for surviving spouses. I highly encourage couples of all ages, and at all stages, to look these up. Start with the Surviving Spouse Financial Checklist from Consumer Credit Counseling Service of San Francisco, CCCSSF.org. This list is several pages long and includes everything from documents to gather to addresses of credit bureaus for notifications of death. Additionally, A To-Do List for the Surviving Spouse by Susan B. Garland, on Kiplinger.com, is a lengthy article that explains the tasks widows and widowers need to tackle right away, as well as those that can wait, and folks who will try to take advantage of your situation.
Lastly, if you are a member of the military or law enforcement/firefighter (LEOFF) communities, be sure to look up resources that are available to you outside of the immediate oversight of your casualty assistance officer, guild-to-family liaison, and unit/department chaplains. Organizations such as the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors TAPS.org, the Gold Star Wives of America, Inc. GoldStarWives.org, the National Fallen Firefighters Foundation FireHero.org, and Concerns of Police Survivors NationalCOPS.org are available to help families coping with the loss of a loved one in those communities.
With a little pre-planning, something preppers are great at, we can ease the potential financial burdens on those we will leave behind when we pass away. Please consider preparing appropriately with your loved ones as soon as you can. Death is a hard thing to discuss, but there’s no denying that it’s going to happen to all of us someday. If it should be unexpected, proper planning can make sure that our loved ones are financially stable, and able to work their way through their grief in time, with fewer worries about their future.
Original article by Nonnie Maus, published in Survivalist Magazine #28
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