Late Night Thoughts

Every time, I watch each setting sun as it waved goodbye to the flowers, smell the aroma of the sleeping grass, witness the metamorphosis of butterflies as they develop from pupa to a very beautiful creature that freely dances into the soft wind, hear the melody of my heart: the echo of my soul and the happy memories lingering in me. Then, a twist of sadness swallows my being.

Until now, questions keep in to my mind: Why do people come and go? Why does bitter reality of prejudices continue to stain the unblemished soul for love and equality?

There was a time in my life when I battled self-defeating conflicts. I had catastrophic encounters of choosing between different dreams of different worlds. I was caught standing at the edge of the cliff. Right then, I saw wind of my life – I knew I had to choose.

I once asked myself why people shed tears whenever somebody leaves or why do they live in grief when they could always opt to stay? I thought of leaving as something temporary. To me, it was just a little choice people make to get rid of the usual.

I grew up in a circle where families get broken, friendships are forgotten, and memories are being stolen. Sadness has been my closest kin. Losing people, living a life you once knew without them, starting over again… It has been a cycle, an unending cycle.

It was middle of the Indian summer when I had to sit on our favorite spot. She was wearing her gleeful smile; the smile that once made me fell in love. Without any trace of doubt, she asked how my day was. I wished to answer that her with the same enthusiasm but I just can’t and big lumps in my throat started to make my breathing harder.

I told her I was to let her go, that I need to chase my dreams, I need to choose my family. From an instant, I saw my little sunshine turn into gloomy dusk. Her eyes started to cloud. For a moment, I wished to take back all the words I’ve said. I wanted to pat her, give her a hug to console her. Her chest was rising up and down but still she managed to smile… this time, sadness filled her entire being.

She nodded in disbelief. I saw in her eyes the tons of questions she had for me. If only she understood better how hard it was for me to let go of something I thought would last a lifetime. Without any word, she stood up. She didn’t ask for an explanation or two.

By then, we never felt the same. After leaving the small town where we used to live, I barely see her.

Growing up into the reality of come and go, I thought immunity is in me when it comes to goodbyes. But on the actual, there really is no such thing as immunity. No one’s just too ready to leave, to let go, to start anew and to forget all the routine they had for the last years. I wasn’t ready. She, too, wasn’t ready. Everything was so sudden. Everything was a live action – no cuts, no breaks, just heartbreaks.

I once dreamed of reaching the peak of my life with the person I wanted to be with. But maybe it is true that there will never be two bests at the same time.

One fine day, I finally had the courage to ask if how’s her life going. I had a little walk on the memory lane. I sadly smiled with the thought of our forgotten dreams. Reality bit me. There really are just some things that won’t work the way we wanted to.

She seemed happy by the way she tells her stories. I still can hear her laughs and I still can smell her favorite green tea scent when I think of her. I felt relieved that she’s making a happy life of her own and with that genuine happiness, I felt intensely happy too. She was starting to build her empire. I am chasing my dreams. It would have been great if we still had each other. But now that we’re apart, I see how much we’ve grown apart. I see how better our lives are now.

I never regretted why I chose my dream over the person I used to love. My choice has opened more wonderful doors for the both of us. Choosing the dream made me appreciate more of the little things in life. Ours was a good story of those one of life’s temporaries.

She was a lesson, a very important lesson.

Why do people come and go?

Maybe it’s because life is an unending process of learning or maybe because we have two feet to explore and wander. Like a pupa that has turned into a butterfly, we’re not meant to stay on the same place. We’re meant to fly and meet new things.

I have finally answered little by little all the puzzles I have in my head since I was ten.

To move on, you must let go.