This is my 19th time starting this first sentence. Who knows what’s going to come out at this point. I mean, I have so much to say but it just doesn't come out in words. Just random thoughts of muddy clarity running through my head at a mile a minute in slow motion.

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My mind feels like it’s slowly deteriorating.

To make matters worse, I saw a video the other day that showed how your brain shrinks when you’re stressed out. My brain must be the size of a peanut right now. That and my kidneys must be fucked up. Somehow that’s related.

My time is not my own.

All I do is give my time to other people. It would be great if I could do productive things with my time, it’s just not mine anymore and everyone else is just wasting it. It doesn’t belong to me and I can’t use it for the things I want. I don’t even think it matters what I do with the time when it goes to others, just as long as they have it and I can't use it the way I want or should.

That’s how the system is designed.

I sat at work today for 8 hours. I didn’t say a word. I didn’t interact with anyone. I can watch all these people scurrying around like little fucking rats doing things they deem to be important. I know none of it is important and I can’t bring myself to do busywork anymore without being directly told.

I know people are too scared to confront other people now. They don’t want to offend anyone or hurt their feelings. They don’t want to be accused of anything that might hurt their shitty little careers. I see this and it allows me to pretty much blend in and just be there. As long as I am there, giving my time, people are too occupied with giving their own time away to worry about where mine is going.

I’d love for some real work to do, though. It’s been so long I wouldn’t even know what to do with the work. Should I get the work done really fast and be left with no work again? Or should I drag it out as long as I can because it could be years before any meaningful work comes along again? Lately I don’t even get the chance to make that decision. There is just nothing to do but give my time away, day in and day out.

I wish I could sleep.

It’s been months since I’ve had a good sleep.

Months.

I go to sleep early but sit there for hours; just staring into the darkness. I wake up early but I’m too tired to get up and do anything productive. Who does anything productive at 3 a.m anyway? Then, when I start to really fall asleep, it’s time to get up and give my time to someone else.

Is that by design?

I can’t stop thinking about what Jim Carrey said. Something along the lines of, “You can’t be something that belongs to you.”

This is my body. It belongs to me. It’s mine. Therefore, it is not me. My thoughts, my feelings, my voice, my sight, my abilities, my talents, my desires. They all belong to me. They are mine, but they aren’t me.

What the fuck are we?

Do I even control the thoughts that are passing through my head? Or are they already there, and I’m just witnessing them in front of me at that point of time that I have them?

Do I get up in the morning to get dressed and go give my time to this system? Or is that just my body doing that and I’m just along for the ride to witness it?

Am I writing this right now? Or am I just witnessing this being written and it doesn’t really have anything to do with me?

It’s like owning a dog. It’s your dog. You can watch the dog take a shit in the backyard. The dog shit now belongs to you as well. But, you aren’t the dog, or the shit. You’re just witnessing all that happen without actually controlling any of it. To me, I’m not sure if there is a difference between my thoughts, and my dog taking a shit in the backyard.

Maybe we are all in the matrix. What if the term “waking up” is just a computer code designed by the matrix to keep us all there. We think we are “awake” but it’s still just the same matrix. We have no control over it, it’s just the thoughts we are shown and told they’re our own. We think we know better, but maybe we don’t. We don’t think, we just are. Those thoughts aren’t really ours - they aren’t us.

Nobody is awake around me, either. I mean NO ONE. Why is it that the online community - especially on steemit - is very awake to the problems of this world and how we can work to fix it? Why is it that no one around me thinks like that? I think I have met 3 people in real life over the last 5 years that were awake.

Is it real?

Are we really that few and far between?

Am I here to keep me away from the awakened?

Money is just being siphoned from my pockets. No matter where I turn it’s flying out of my pocket at an alarming rate. There always seems to be someone else with a gun pointed at my head, demanding more. Eventually, they’ll enslave me further. If I could just have control over where my money goes, I could help. Since I don't have control of that either, I'm trapped in an endless cycle of giving my time for money that is taken away at gun point for services I don't want or need.

Does anyone else notice a problem with this?

I can't escape it.

I think about selling absolutely everything I have. I don’t really need any of it. Sentimental is just a words. The price doesn’t matter either. Time is the real value. Money is just the thing people trade for it.

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All this stuff, it’s all just garbage; eventually.