Reflections On Loving -Part 11: The Paradox Of Hurting The Ones We Love

'' When you have nothing left but love, for the first time, you become aware that love is enough. ''

Happy Thursday gang! 💚
I hope this post finds you well. 💜
We have a saying in French that translates into '' living off love and fresh water'' .
I love to use it to annoy new lovers who are head over heels with each other and all that jazz you know 😉
Not sure we could tough it up that long with only these two things!

So the question is, why do we hurt the ones we love?
Why do we let our ego take control, even when we know we shouldn’t let it happen?
Why do we feel this feeling of urgency to reopen old wounds?
To bring up the past?
To desire that being right is more important than being happy?
I don’t know if we have been conditioned to act in such a way, but if that is the case, we ought to work hard to change this now!
It appears that it’s so hard for us to accept someone else’s perspective, when it doesn’t match our own.
We simply can’t comprehend that someone could not view things the same way we do, as we are convinced in our mind, that our way of seeing things is the right one!
Yeah… key words… '' in our own mind'' .
Regardless, even if we have the last word, we don’t truly end up '' winning'' .
There is no such a thing as winning against your spouse.
When you have let the conflict escalate to a point where you both become verbally abusive toward one another, it can only be a loss.
Even if you end up being the one who is '' right'' .

As I’ve stated multiple times before, the magic couple ratio (established by John Gottman) is 5:1.
And the most important part we should keep in mind, is that the negative interactions have way more power to inflict damage.
And so in those moments when we feel that our short term emotions will make us do things that we will regret in the long term, we ought to take a step back and remember two things.

The first one being that even though it does not seem like it right now, the person standing in front of us is coming from a place of love.
They want happiness just as much as we do.
Secondly, we should remember that there was a time when we were attracted to this person.
Besides, problems can never be solved in the same way they have been brought up.
It is always when you give your mind the chance to cool down, when you change your environment and focus on something else, that the answer arises.

There are various reasons as to why we may hurt the ones we love.
When you share the same environment with someone daily, sources of conflict are easy to be found.
But when we are aware of the negativity bias and of our natural tendency to value bad over good, we can consciously choose to do things differently. That is, to come from a place of appreciation, rather than a place of judgment.
It’s all too easy to use a language that can escalate to being brutal, and even if it doesn’t seem as bad as it could be, these little things all add up.
And bit by bit, they can make partners turn away from each other.
As John Gottman says it, they do not respond to each other’s emotional bids anymore.
And that is sadly a very dangerous route to take on.

Simon Sinek once said something awesome about the relationships in between siblings:
'' Deep love fight, but the love doesn’t go away. ''
Maybe our best bet can be found in keeping on working on ourselves and striving to be the best human we can, for our partner, but also to make this world a better place as well!
Take the lead so you can even inspire your partner to strive to be the very best!
(don’t tell me he/she should start first… that’s your ego talking babe 😉 )
It’s the healthiest way to improve our interactions with our spouse, but also to make sure we fulfill the majority of our needs on our own.
The antidote is within yourself!
You just gotta make it come to life!