Lost the will to live

" The prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears and the kindest hearts have felt the most pain."

A couple of months ago, while being struck real hard by depression, I was considering ending my life for good.
I was looking at ways to do it online, while I stumbled upon this precious website: http://lostallhope.com/my-story
I've never related to something so much in my life.
I felt as if I was writing the words myself.
It gave me the little push I needed to keep on going and fight for myself.

I had to put an end to my job and my education because my mental and physical health was falling apart.
My anxiety was and is so severe that I was disoriented whenever I would step a foot outside of my house.

While struggling with mental health, I think it is crucial to have a stable ground of support, because it can make a massive difference.

But what happens when you have your most dreaded fear confirmed?
What happens when you try your hardest to heal and the most important human in your life throws you away like a tv when you need them the most?
This type of rejection hurts so much.
It's heart wrenching.
Some may say it's a blessing in disguise.
The choice between wanting to die and wondering what there is to still live for divides every single tear I cry.
I am forced to hug myself because there is no one around to do it.
My hands tremble, my body sweats and I wonder how much more pain I can take.
I woke up with a red hole in my back this morning.
It's nothing compared to the giant hole I've been carrying in my heart.

I wish I wasn't as sensitive as I am.
I wish I could stop being so kind to humans who break me apart and make me question my self-worth.

We live in a throw away society where if something is broke we just throw it away and get something new.
People in this day and age are self-absorbed and only think in terms of ''What am I gonna get out of this?''
People have a fantasy view and misconceptions about what love is.
They think love is lust, pleasure, good times.
No. These are just the superficial rewards of being attracted to eachother.
Real love is pain. Sacrifice. Putting and serving the other first and not expecting anything in return.
Love is so many things that people have lost sight of.
How can love mean anything when it's just a word we carry around for everything: ''I love chocolate'' ''I love this and that...''
Hence why divorces rates are so high.

I don't even have the physical strenght to cry anymore.
@lostandconfused I am with you in this. ❤

Sending love, strenght and faith to every precious human who will read this and may or may not relate.

To finish on a positive note, I wish Allan Watts would hold my hand and tell me that the gods are laughing up there because they throw at us these difficult trials.