The dark secrets of my life

in #life6 years ago

Hello people ! This is the first time I’m sharing about my DARK secret in my life. It’s gonna be long but let me go.
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I’m from rural area, so called X village. When I was in my 1st standard I met a neighbour uncle, he always used to take me with him wherever he goes. My parents also never minded about that ,as that person looks comfortable for them. Daily or occasionally he used to take me out to some places no one there. He pulls out his penis and mastrubate himself infront of me . I was very confused and don’t even know what was happening. After some days he made me to do hand job for him. I don’t know what it is or what’s the matter of doing this . I had done as he said and when it’s done my hand was wet with his sperm. I don’t even know what a sperm is at that age . The days went on, one fine day he took me to his house. No one was there except he and me. He took out some packets and pulled out condoms from it. I don’t know what it was. He wore one of it and asked me to give a hand job for him and done as he said. I observed it clearly and got to know they are balloons. So asked him for one . He gave me one and throwed the used one to the bin. I was so happy because it’s the biggest balloon I ever had at that time. So took it , showed it to my frnds. One of my friends asked me if I have any more balloons (condoms). I just recalled and remembered the used one thrown in bin. So we both went there silently and tried to get the used one . We don’t even know disgusting to have a used condom. As we were not enough grown to know all these. Suddenly uncle saw us and scolded. So we went back . After days , he used to teach me how to look at girls, aunties. And tried to teach how to do sex even. As I was not much matured enough I learnt only some of them. And to my little brain at that time want to go for practical with my opposite gender. I’m a boy. I mostly played with girls during my leisure time. Got some opposite gender friends and finally planned a pratical. It was successful but don’t know what I did. I only know to see the pussy and overlap my penis and shake. Then I had some pleasure for the first time. I didn’t get any sperm but it relaxed my things at that time. Done the same thing with 3 to 4 girls with my age and girls elder than me too. And it became a habit for me to do. Wherever I go , like my grandpa, grandma villages I used to gather some opposite genders and tried to make a shake . One day as I was making a shake , my relative saw it and complained it to my parents. I ran without wearing my pants. I hid myself in thick bushes , so I won’t get any scoldings or hits from my parents. But they found me and scolded. I was hurt for that instinct but my mind never changed.

One day, I don’t remember who she is ? She was at my home to look after me for that day. She may be in her 20’s that time. She went to bath no one was there . She open the washroom door , I saw her naked , some hair on her pussy . That was weird for me . She called me to come but I was afraid and didn’t.

Now I’m at my teens like 11 , 12 . I learnt how to mastrubate. I used to mastrubate whenever I wanted . I never got sperms out as I’m not still grown up. But finds some relaxation and a colourless drops like one or two. I used mastrubate number of times I don’t even know how many times I did. After months I found my penis releasing drops of sperms , I enjoyed it so much. As I grown up this hidden monster grown with me . The rest with me other than these dark secret was very fine. Like my studies, behaviour etc. In my tenth a girl proposed me. I doesn’t look that smart but I behave decent and innocent. I don’t know how she had love on me. I didn’t accept her proposal as I felt her like a friend only. Days passed, schooling is over . My 11th and 12th is done.

The girl who loved me still loving me and she still proposes me. And finally my friends made me to accept her love. I accepted verbally but not heartly. I was into my college. I’m a engineering student now. As I accepted the love she used to be so close to me such that my monster rose up. So I asked her for one. At first she didn’t accept. We used to have kisses and hugs that’s it. But finally she said yes to it. We planned but I don’t even know how to do sex know. All that I had done at my childhood is all half knowledged. I was a failure. I didn’t penetrate. Day two I done my job. I had sex. Penetrating deep. We enjoyed. Days went on I was addicted to sex . Now and then I had it. Finally I fell into her love.

Now the actual days . Again a girl proposed me . Now the girl is more beautiful than the girl I loved . I had a lust upon her. Wanted to satisfy my lust at any cost . I forgot all the love my girlfriend gave. I gradually diverted to the beautiful girl for my lust. And finally archived my satisfaction by accepting her love and acting as if I love her. My girlfriend was very angry upon these third person between us. She cried many a times . I never realised. The only thing was the monster inside me. I was such addicted to sex that I even had sex my cousins , neighboring girls at the same times . Mostly one night stands. Days had come to struggle me. My girlfriend parents are ready to make her marriage. I didn’t realise even and had lust with the beautiful girl. She pleaded to leave my lust. But my mind was in such a state I never recognised her pain. My only thought was sex. Even now, I was very fine with my behaviour towards others and my studies too. No bad remark at all . Everyone believes I’m innocent and very good person. But my indeed thoughts are horrible. She begged me for months about her marriage. I didn’t care. And now she finally got married to a person who loved her with the blessings of her family. My brain finally came out of all the devastating thoughts of mine. Now my heart started to work instead. Lot pain in my heart as my love onto someone’s bed. It’s a horrible feeling.

Just recalled my whole life to know what’s wrong with me . And the sequences are as above. From my childhood I was grown in such a manner everything was hidden and my dark secrets are ruining my life. I enjoyed the few minutes lust and forgot about all the love around me. And the people who taught me and some people who encountered me while in my journey I hate them to the neck. Even if I could get a chance I probably kill them for making me such a person worthless. I didn’t even share with anyone even with my friends about all these. Because I’m innocent and good to people all around. The only person know about all these is my love and it’s no more my love. I’m heart fully sorry for what had happened my love.

We are the people what we are from the childhood itself. Take care of your children and yourself people. You or your children may be one as I’m now if not. I regret my whole life about this dark secret. Know I bursted out finally with pain.

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