No Hiding
Until the last 3 years I lived a life of hiding my true self. I hid for about 20-30 years. I attempted to conceal or deny any part of myself that wasn't perfect, that someone might disapprove of or disagree with...my opinions, my body, my preferences, my joys and my pains. I say I lived a life of hiding, but it really wasn't even living. It was faking and posturing. Scanning and planning how I should behave based upon who I was around at the moment. Seeking security by blending in. Not being real. I was good at this. Most folks around me did not know my angst going on inside.
The thing is you can't just hide parts of yourself. When we try to hide the "bad" or "wrong" parts, or even just the lesser societally valued parts, we end up building a wall around ourselves, which hides the good stuff as well as the bad. We become just a facade to look appropriate on the exterior. But we've hidden and stifled the expression of our joys, our pains, and our ability to make any genuine connection with another person.
Hiding is a deeply ingrained coping mechanism inside of me. I am type 6 on the enneagram, which I will go into more on another post, and that's hope with cope with anxiety. Hide it. The habit developed to deal with my lack of confidence, but it grew into a beast that affected every aspect of my life.
I have worked my ass off for YEARS to overcome the habit of hiding and my internal angst. My only goal now is to be real. To be honest. To be open. To be authentic.
So the reason I blog and share what I do here is to continue practicing this newly developed skill of being real. I can easily slip back into old habits if I'm not mindful and continue practicing not hiding. This is freaking therapy here for me! 🙏🏽
I'm done holding my tongue and modifying who I am to meet the expectations and approval of those I'm around moment to moment. This page feels like liberation to me! Does my ego like the praise and attention I get? Yes, Of course that feels good. But I swear, the main experience for me in sharing what I do here is just freedom.
Life is short. Don't waist it. Live!
Wow what a upvote!
Enjoy.
This is the biggest upvote I have ever received. Thank you sooooo much!!!
YOu only got 1 change at life you better make the best of it.
Wow, nice upvote power you got there!
Excellent post. Thanks again for sharing your journey towards freedom and self-knowledge. I love knowing that it is possible to re-train our brains to think differently and reward new, positive behavior. :)
It is possible. My change started with a worm-hole type jump forward in perception in 2014 that I will write about sometime, and then years of work since then of self reflection. Here. Now.
Thanks, my friend, for commenting and your continued support. Hugs
Shakespeare's Hamlet. Polonius the father giving advice to his son Laertes who is leaving for the big city of Paris:
I am not hiding myself but don't get enough courage to expose it. I don't know how to express it in words. But what you have written is true about myself also.
Some time I tried to encourage myself to go and express what I am but Next time I thought is it necessary to express all my life.
But what you have shared is really inspired me to express myself .
Thanks for sharing also thankful that what you have written make my heart feel very relaxed that here is in the community where I feel like myself . Great great. Touches my heart.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. We do sound much alike. I didn't think I was hiding before either. It was my normal so I couldn't see it like I do now, until I stopped.
I also had a very hard time expressing myself before. Especially in person. That's why I started writing. Writing just for myself was easier and helped me find clarity in my mind so then, eventually, I could express myself out loud with clarity. Writing just for myself is still how I approach all of my posts...as if no one is ever going to see it. It's just for me. Then I can relax and let the words flow. Then often in the end I read it, tweak it, and find parts of it maybe good enough to share.
Thanks again. 🙏🏽
Thanks for your great words and inspiration.
You look amazing. It would be a sin to hide what you have sculpted yourself into, both mentally and physically.
Thank you 🙏🏽
A very well thought post. I agree blogging is a good therapy, expressing your inner thoughts to impartial people. And I'm happy for you that you are overcoming your anxiety and also finding an outlet for your inner thoughts in a holistic and natural way.
Personally I think a lot of people blog in order to overcome some inner issue myself its confidence/recognition. I am a confident person in relation to public and talking to people (well most of the time) but lack confidence in my abilities. I am very hard my myself and what I produce, this is one reason why I blog in order to gain some recognition of my work (although not getting much at the moment).
A lot of people hide their true self, I too have recently realized this in myself and am working on changing this. I have massive changes coming up in my life and want to go into them being me. Recently I am finding me come out more, I am identifying the true me an the tailor for society me. I will write a post on it, but I am building courage but reading your posts and the honesty is built my confidence so I thank you :)
Blogging has been amazing therapy for me. I have to practice staying detached though. If I blog and put it out there hopeful for much connection and response and find none, it sets me back mentally. So I've learned to approach it in that any response is the cherry on top, the real value for me is just writing through my shit, Figuring it out and seeing clearly. Then I fling it out into the blog-I-verse and let go.
Thank you for your comment. I like what you're doing here on your own blog. Please Keep it up ✌🏾
That's a good outlook one I need to adopt. I guess once i'm known more, things will improve but although the moneys nice as you say its a therapy and also for me the acknowledgement someone has taken the time to listen. Thank you for you support. I look forward to more form you also :)
Thanks for your sharing
I loved this post. The freedom and liberation comes through very clearly. You go ahead and do you, with real authenticity and I'll keep listening to what you have to say. Take care...
Thank you :)
You go girl! As you shine you encourage others to do so also. Freedom is very contagious!
Cheers, from thedamus