Something horrible has happened somewhere in the world, I can guarantee it. Now, before we make ineffective, purely cosmetic, efforts to identify the guilty, let's amuse ourselves by punishing the innocent again.

Before anyone becomes upset or offended by this picture I should point out that this cat was a white supremacist. Not only that, it had made some inflammatory racist remarks before pulling a knife on me. I acted purely in self defense. I'm pretty sure it was a member of a pedophile conspiracy as well. I can't prove it but it was definitely giving off a child raping vibe before I sneaked up on it and blew its head clean off lol. I just wish you could have seen the look of surprise on its face. Such precious moments deserve to be cherished.

This is a fully organic, potentially vegan, holistic blog post lovingly grown and nurtured then hand crafted by idiots for idiots. No animals were harmed in its making, despite those despicable rumors. We didn't do any animal experiments at all. You might imagine puppies and kittens, plus a few hundred unlucky orphaned children, with their eyes forced open. Enduring countless hours of agony inducing experimentation. In fact you're probably imagining that right now. Like a scene out of Clockwork Orange or a different movie you've actually seen.

None of that occurred though. Rest assured there is no physical evidence remaining that would indicate this ever took place. The people involved have left the company now and the ensuing cover up will remove all traces of what allegedly happened to a few thousand helpless animals in the name of scientific endeavor. You can rest easy in the knowledge their tortured bodies did not die in vain. Those haunting horrific abominations that will forever haunt your dreams are now history. Not that they ever really existed at all, honest. There's no hard evidence. Every mutilated corpse has been incinerated along with the documentary and digital records.

You see we actually really do care. Admittedly it's mainly about any potential criminal charges against us and the negative publicity this might generate if we don't spin this to our advantage. We care about consumers almost 0.1% as much as we care about our majority shareholders. That's 1000% more care than any of our competitors. We aren't in this to make as much money as we possibly can. That's only an unforeseen byproduct of the immense amount of genuine care we pretend to show towards our customer base. Why not give us the benefit of the doubt until this all blows over or another scandalous revelation grabs peoples attention?