I was going to fake my own death but it was so much easier to just kill myself.
(All rights to this picture are the property of 20th Century Fox)
The Book of Gordon
And yea Zediphenus spake unto Lamadiah saying thusly:
"Are you absolutely certain you've looked everywhere? I mean it's the Ark of the fucking Covenant not a set of fucking car keys."
Lamadiah shaketh his headeth. His eyeseth gazing unto Heaven. He foundeth not the answereth there for verily God was busy smiting the Hemorrhoids of Gilgotha with genital herpes. Yea and yea again, he was out of luck there. The shiteth had hiteth the fan. He was on his own this time. Lo after much pause he sayeth unto Zediphanus:
"Well I know it was here yesterday afternoon before I left to pick the kids up."
Zediphanus did giveth Lamadiah a questioning looketh hereth:
"Why would you do that? It's women's work. Men don't have anything to do with children unless they are taking them up a mountain to sacrifice them unto God."
Lamadiah did looketh embarrassed for a momenteth:
"Sorry. My wife was gang raped by a bunch of the Troglodytes the day before Jabelbabeth so I had her stoned to death for not screaming loud enough. It's only temporary though. I've got my eyes on a young virgin I'm going to rape tonight then buy off her father. If that doesn't work out I'll get my third wife to pick them up from now on."
Zediphanus shooketh his head ruefully.
"Well where the fuck is it then? What happened to the Ark of the Covenant Lamadiah?"
Lamadiah did scratcheth his headeth:
"I've searched the whole temple from top to bottom 3 times this morning. You know as well as I do, that it's always in the last place you look."
At this did Zediphanus roll his eyes:
"Duh. Obviously. Only a complete cunt would carry on searching for something they'd already found."
Hereth Lamadiah did addeth:
"Or a Levite. Possibly a Pharisee as well."
Zediphanus did nod in assent hereth. For he had knowledge of these same wonders:
"When did you last see it?"
He did asketh.
"It was in the vestibule, where it always is. I never touched it. Mostly because I don't want to burst into flames. The security system on that thing is shit hot."
Zediphanus did rub his chin thoughtfully:
"Have you tried down the back of the sofa? It's always down the back of the sofa in my experience."
Lamadiah was sorely offended at this:
"First place I looked. I'm not a novice at searching for crap you know. It was me that found the missing link."
Zediphanus did stiffeneth at this and ask suspiciously:
"What do you mean, missing link?"
Lamadiah did look guilty at this point. Refusing to looketh his colleague in the eye.
"Sorry... No idea what you're on about. Quick look over there. There's a homosexual man coveting his neighbors ass that's been touched by a menstruating woman and not been cleansed. Let's kill the heretical bastard."
And lo Zediphanus and Lamadiah and Hezibollocks and Jerryandthepacemakers along with all the other keepers of the temple did fall upon the random passerby and kicketh the shiteth out of him unto death. For is it not written that the unwieldy goat may stray but its hairy buttocks cannot be welded to an aardvark, except by providence. The searchers then did search the temple from top to bottom again. Verily it is written that their questing was for naught. The Ark was nowhere to be found. Then did Zediphanus send his loyal servant Barry to the local market for to buy a box they could throw a sheet over. In such like manner did they bluff that the Ark lay beneath for dust protection purposes. All those present being sworn to tell no one of what had passed. Furthermore the servants of the temple did make up water tight alibis and swear an oath upon their lives to blame it on the Babylonians for they were assholes.
Here endeth the beginningeth of the endeth of the second lesson chapter four part vii verse 23.