Hello ladies. I'm single at the moment and while I can't promise to hold you protectively in my manly arms, I can promise to desperately cling on to you until I've squeezed all the life out of you.
(all rights to this picture are the property of Videoblocks)
From time to time we like to take a couple of unfunny jokes out of the Old Jokes Home (Registered Trademark) for an outing before we lead them into the forest and shoot them. It's for their own good, so we're doing them a favor. Honestly these jokes are so long and the payoff is so bad you'd shoot them to. Today our theme is desert islands.
A man and his faithful dog Butch are shipwrecked on a remote Pacific Island. It doesn't take long for the man to realize he has no chance of rescue or escape. They are too far from any shipping routes or inhabited islands. He determines to make the best of it and it's not all bad. At least he has Butch for companionship. After a few months the man finds that he misses the company of women. Self abuse has lost its charms for him. One day he finds a small barrel washed up on the shore. It's no use as a flotation device and there's nothing he can really do with it. Then he has this idea. Using his only knife he bores a hole in the side of the barrel. From other natural materials he has on the island he fashions long hair. This is stuck to a coconut he uses for a head. Eventually he has constructed a fake woman. Once he's done that he's on her night and day for weeks. Pounding away like a mad man. Every waking hour he's not searching for food or water he spends in the company of his barrel lady.
Butch starts to feel neglected and before long he also misses company of any sort. So when his master is asleep he to humps the barrel for hours at a time. Then one day the man finds another barrel on the beach. This one is a lot better looking. Best of all it isn't full of baby gravy that's set hard. Being the heartless bastard he is, the first barrel lady is dumped into the ocean so he can have a new relationship, this time with the barrel of his dreams.
Weeks later the semen filled barrel washes ashore on another Pacific island. The only inhabitants of which are some cloistered nuns. They discover the barrel and mistake the contents for wax. They use the wax to fashion candles for the nunnery as there is no electricity and any supplies shipped in are expensive. Six months later Sister Assumpta is seen running through the cloisters to the Mother Superiors office. Breathlessly she crosses herself and speaks.
"Mother Superior I have some unbelievably shocking news concerning Sister Margaret."
The Mother Superior is calm and serene despite the claim.
"Calm down Sister Assumpta. I doubt there is anything you could tell me that would shock me."
The sister tries to calm herself but still cannot control her emotions.
"Sister Margaret is pregnant!"
The Mother Superior is completely unruffled much to the young nuns amazement.
"That's nothing. I've just had 4 puppies."
This next turd polished up to look like a ruby is set on a desert island as well. This man however is on his own. He's been on his own for over a year. Quietly going insane from loneliness. He has everything he needs to survive except company and conversation. He too misses the touch of a woman but there are no barrels washing ashore here. Every morning he wanders along the beach line searching for anything to break the monotony. Month after month passes and still nothing apart from driftwood. Then one day he spots a wild goat swimming ashore. He has no idea where it comes from, but he doesn't care. Now he could eat the goat or drink its milk but after so long alone, and loosing his sanity, all he can think about is fucking the goat. Unfortunately every time he gets within a few feet of the animal it runs away. Day after day he stalks the goat. He even makes traps for it but it always avoids them. Now all his time is spent either eating and drinking or chasing the goat.
Two months later as he tracks to object of his desire he hears a scream for help. There's someone a few hundred yards off shore. They are drowning. The man is conflicted, but eventually dives into the surf and swims to the rescue. It's a slim beautiful woman in a wet suit for some reason. He has to resuscitate her. She lies there coughing up the remains of sea water her impressive chest heaving. Eventually she finds her voice.
"You saved my life, at great personal risk to yourself, stranger." She states huskily. "We're here all alone. Under this wet suit I'm naked." She slowly starts to pull the zipper on her wet suit. "I'm a woman. You're a man. Is there anything I can do to repay you for your heroism? And I do mean anything?"
She pouts sexily. His eyes light up with uncontrollable lust.
"Well as you mentioned it. Would you mind holding that goat still while I fuck it?"
I'm sorry to anyone who has actually bothered to read this far. Rest assured these jokes were so old and so unfunny I took great pleasure in beating them to death on your behalf before desecrating their bodies. As some minor recompense I will tell you a true story related to me by a friend called Heather. She was what I'd call a posh girl. Her father was a rich but philanthropic though and had raised her with a strong social conscience. I have to say when I first met her my poverty stricken roots forced me to take an instant dislike to this over privileged harpy who knew nothing about real life. Except she was one of the nicest most considerate and generous people I have ever met. Within minutes of meeting her my stupid prejudices vanished.
Heather had trained as a teacher after graduating. As part of her teacher training she was placed at a junior school. They decided that because she was so privileged they'd send her to an inner city shit hole. So she could experience reality at the sharp end of society. She'd been there weeks when this boy she'd never seen before showed up in her class. Let's call him Tommy. It turned out he had been truanting for most of his school life. Then the truant officer had caught him and his family faced fines, they couldn't afford, if he didn't attend regularly. Tommy was a fish out of water, he never contributed to any lessons. He came in every morning wearing a hat pulled down to conceal most of his face. One he never ever removed. He'd sit all day. Do his inadequate best with work that must have been overwhelming in every sense. Heather felt sorry for him. He had no friends. She needed to open him up and integrate him into the class. The first step, she thought, would be to get him to take his hat off. She'd see more of his face, he'd see more of the lessons.
Heather had consciously not made a fuss about the hat. The child was out of his depth and didn't want to be there. So she came up with a subtle plan involving child psychology. That hat was his protection she thought. It was also a barrier she wanted to remove. One morning, in front of the whole class, she put her plan into action. Casually asking Tommy if his father also wore a hat. Tommy said that yes indeed he did. He wore it to work everyday at the docks where he was doing casual labor. That is turning up and hoping to be selected to help unload a ship or shift cargo.
"Tommy when your dad comes home from work, wearing his hat, what's the first thing he does as soon as he sets foot through the front door?"
Heather asked, confident that the dad would remove his hat. It was so obvious. She waited for his reply as Tommy mulled the question over. Then he answered loudly and proudly.
"He pisses in the kitchen sink Miss."