Comedy Open Mic - Round 10 - CLICKBAIT MEDIA PRODUCTIONS brings you: The Meaning of Lift (a subject that has puzzled philosophers and theologians for thousands of years)

Yes indeed The Truth is most definitely out there, but if it wants to see its wife and children again it's going to keep its big mouth shut.

(Image rights remain with Amazon.com)

As promised "The Meaning of Lift" :

verb

raise to a higher position or level.
"he lifted his trophy over his head"
synonyms: raise, hoist, heave, haul up, heft, raise up/aloft, elevate, hold high; More

pick up and move to a different position.
"he lifted her down from the pony's back"
noun

a device incorporating a moving cable for carrying people, typically skiers, up or down a mountain.

an act of lifting.
"weightlifters attempting a particularly heavy lift"
synonyms: push, boost, hoist, heave, thrust, shove
"give me a lift up"

So there you go. Turns out those philosophers were making a big production number out of literally nothing again. Scores of centuries spent thinking about the subject when all they had to do was Google it. Bloody typical isn't it. Any one of us could be a deep philosophical thinker if all we did was sit around on out asses all day long, thinking metaphysically. All that time wasted doing bugger all when what they should be searching for is the meaning of "working for a living", but no that's too much like hard work for them.

THIS ISN'T LIKE EVOLUTION, GRAVITY OR MEN HAVING EMOTIONS THIS IS FACT NOT A THEORY : By Crate Asscrack.

It's time to act. No longer can we stand by and let our lives be ruled by political correctness, which should be more accurately called "being nice to others". What good has being nice to others ever done? We can't solve the worlds problems by being reasonable and tolerant. That's not going to get us anywhere. For that reason I, a fully paid up member of the silent majority, have decided to take a stand. To speak out against those who are destroying our way of life (Oh wait. Now I understand. Boy do I feel foolish. Maybe those philosophers aren't so bad after all. We should still kill them to be on the safe side though. Just in case I make anymore spelling mistakes lol)

Nobody else will dare say this but they've taken over the streets. You know what I'm talking about. You know who I mean. We can't say it though because of political correctness. I'm not allowed to point out the filthy vermin who are destroying our society. I can't go on a prolonged right wing rant against stupid shit I find annoying, as is my constitutional right. At least that's what they'd like us all to think. Well I for one will stand up to be counted. I won't be intimidated into silence by SJW's and social media commentators. I'll probably get banned for this. Never be able to work again. I'll have to close all my social media accounts. I know I'm going to get a lot of hate and more than my fair share of death threats I expect. Someone has to make that sacrifice and that someone is me.

I'm no hero here, let me assure you of that. I'm only doing something courageous and heroic but I wouldn't want people thinking I'm a hero. A nice big medal would be appreciated. As would a huge parade and ceremony, but apart from that I'm only an ordinary everyday guy. An ordinary everyday guy who's nobly putting his life and freedom on the line in order to save you all from the hidden menace we're not allowed to talk about. Others will most definitely call me a hero. Modesty will not allow me to state that myself though. That's something all of you must do, as well as writing to your local political representatives to demand I receive your countries highest honor. I'm not doing this for the medals I'll definitely receive. I'm doing this for the cause of freedom, for mankind and for the money I'll make from the book deal and movie rights.

Like I said somebody has to take a stand. I'm not brave, except in the sense of the huge amount of bravery I'm exhibiting by writing this in my parents basement. I'm just angry enough now to come right out with it. When are we as a people going to do something about those pointless, worthless, lazy bastards? Coming here, swarming all over our suburbs. You can't even take the kids to the park anymore because they're already there. Doing all their multicultural things in our monocultural open spaces. The police won't even lift a hand to stop them either. Their hands are tied as well. Instead of arresting them they let them swarm all over the parks and streets. Nobody is safe from them. Not even innocent women and children. That's a danger as well because you know with their exotic culture kids find them fascinating. Before you know where you are your son's been groomed by one or more of them online. Forced to do unnatural things, like enjoying stuff.

I've just read that back and despite my intent I still haven't mentioned their name. See how thoroughly they have us all brainwashed into docile complicity with our ultimate enslavement. I know you know the ones I mean but the propaganda has prevented me from expressing who they are. Fuck it. I've come this far so I'm going to stop beating around the bush and just come out with it. When are we going to wake up as a society and take care of those fucking squirrels? Coming here and grabbing our nuts. Scurrying across the grass in our playgrounds. Leaping from tree to tree in our parks. Grooming our children over the internet. Forming heavily armed militia groups dishing out squirrel justice while the police helplessly look on. Fettered by political correctness, clever squirrel rights lawyers and common sense.

We can't even build a wall to keep the furry little fucks out either. Those hairy grey bastards would be over that in a second. Finding out what a soft touch we are and then bringing over all their relatives. I can't be sure, but since those nut hording psycho's arrived nut allergies have spiked. That's obviously biological warfare on their part. It's against the laws of war to use them according to the UN. They're no use either. Forcing us to accept squirrel refugees from conflict areas and economic migrant ones as well. Putting their tiny freaky hands all over our nuts as soon as they set foot in our lands. We never asked them here. Lately I've heard the miniature terrorists have started sabotaging our vital infrastructure as well. Chewing through cables. Disabling our internet access and cutting off power to children's hospitals.

The Progressives and Liberal's will be looking at me like I'm the crazy one though. Insisting on acceptance and tolerance of the squirrel menace. Handing over the reins of control to another species who will inevitably get their tiny little squirrel fists around out throats. It's time for all of us to wake up to this dangerous minority before they become an even more dangerous majority and kick the shit out of us. It might seem unlikely but eventually given their existing numbers and the way they breed, there's a real danger they could take political control. What unknown horrors will they certainly inflict on those who foolishly gave them a home? It's impossible to predict with their foreign squirrel culture and customs.

It's time to stop all this Liberal, SJW, Progressive nonsense before it's too late. There's already a very real danger that should this madness continue we could end up giving help to some people who genuinely need it. Nobody wants that, except possibly those who genuinely need help, but nobody gives a fuck about them. It's up to you to act immediately, or depending where you are in the world first thing tomorrow morning. Get a gun and march down to your local government offices to demand your rights. Let those in power know that If we want to be wading through knee deep squirrel corpses that's our constitutional birthright. One that countless brave people died for. I didn't notice any squirrels at Omaha or Iwo JIma or even in Iraq. Although you'll find a host of fake images with them PhotoShopped in. Those furry little nut hording bastards need bringing in line before they obtain the political power to overthrow us. Let's get them before they get all of our nuts.

I would like to nominate @sisygoboom and @datapotomus for the next round.