Almost every single one of us has worked with a person who did the absolute bare minimum of work to keep their job. If you haven't then it's you, you lazy bastard.

War. What is it good for? Urban renewal springs to mind. Of course it does help if you've stashed away billions in looted wealth, which can be used to rebuild your nations shattered infrastructure and economy. Just ask Germany.

OBITUARY

Umberto Fellipe Kryznaschi, our foreign news correspondent, has died after a long illness. He was an ethnic foreign and that's as sick as you can get. He was going to die of being foreign sometime so deal with it and move on. He passed on very violently in his sleep after a mob burst into his home and set fire to him. He leaves a wife and 2 children, aged 4 and 7, all of whom are happy that he is now at rest and his insurance will finally pay out. A happy ending for them but not so much for Umberto, who suffered enormously at the hands, and booted feet, of English racists. He would have lived had he bothered to learn how not to breathe our good freedom air with those foreign lungs, whose last taste of oxygen was tainted with gasoline fumes and smoke. We will miss him. Which is a shame as he was really easy to hit. We won't miss typing out his name though.

HERCULES CRATE, who will be our new foreign correspondent, most probably isn't afflicted with being foreign at all so he tells us. We'll keep an eye on him just in case. You can't be too careful. We've checked and both his parents were born here, although that's no guarantee these days. Crate is a good old Anglo Saxon name but it could be some anglicized version of another foreign surname like Ubeklianisos. You never know, so we'll be vigilant. Also Hercules is certainly not your standard Anglo Saxon name. Thus to be on the safe side we'll check back a bit further into his lineage for your safety. Wouldn't want subliminal foreignness being slowly drip fed to our reader. Remember Nigel, take your tablets. Otherwise the bridge trolls will come back for you. Don't forget to let us know when they let you handle sharp things again.