Reflection
It's been a while since I reflected... again.
Things feel like they've been better recently, primarily due to my change in perspective and more patience. I need to find a way of this change of perspective being permanent and not regress into losing patience again.
My eldest brought his Year 2 books home last week and the final entry in his R.E. book was a prayer to God.
Dear God,
I pray to get my pen license.
I pray for a friend.
I pray to have fun.
AMEN
I've known for about 2.5 years that he's struggled with friends. The school often saying that he doesn't have one group of friends but instead plays with everybody. The absence of party invites and his teacher saying that he'd often stand with her made me already aware of an issue but I often believed that my eldest was unaware / uncaring to the situation and this prayer made me realise quite how aware he is.
It made me feel sad. As a parent, you would do anything for your children. If I could suffer so that my children didn't, I would. Whatever pain they feel, I would take so that they would be protected from it.
Then there's of course a different perspective. Pain and discomfort build inner strength. Experiencing this when he's young is perhaps easier to process at a time when you're less likely to understand it or yourself.
Fortunately, his prayer was answered. Whilst he still doesn't have a pen license, he does now have a friend at school. Whether it's this or an increased maturity that comes with age, he's definitely become more confident as a result - more willing to try things that in the past, he might have been too frightened to do. I very much hope that this is the 'norm' for him going forwards. The strength gained from having to spend so much time alone and the increased resilience. Another boy in his class is now experiencing something similar - ironically, somebody who abandoned my son soon after they started school. This is where my age comparison comes in as he seems to be struggling with it more than my boy ever did.
It's so important that I don't lose sight of this when I get frustrated with him. Those things still remain but no matter what, he needs to know that when he comes home, he's always got me as a friend, ready and waiting for him.
There's also this idea of career and in particular, Personal Growth that I'm struggling with. I've reached a stage in my life where I don't want to work for somebody else and lose that freedom that I've come to value so much. But at the same time, I feel that I need to contribute in some way, beyond doing everything that I can for my family.
Then I look out of my window at the garden, and wonder if sorting that dump out will fulfil me in the way that I hope.