great post as usual @arbitrarykitten I agree with 100% of what is written here. The analogy to a 4 year old with its tantrums, self-centred view of the world and being recalcitrant to see the wider picture is just perfect. Relationships are mirrors that help us grow if we see them as lessons, which they are (greatest teachers in my opinion especially the rough and painful ones). But we have to keep in mind (and be conscious and observant like you said) that the egos (and the pain bodies to use Eckhart Tolle's term) go through a positive feedback cycle - that is each reaction keeps on reinforcing and fuelling the reaction of the other and so on until it escalates into bad shit. In those moments, we can either get conscious and calm down or if that is not possible just leave the room....it is always the wiser solution when everything else fails :)