No One Can Tell You You’re Doing It Wrong
The thing about this funny little thing that we call Life is that you can live it any way you damn well please. Every day, you wake up and make choices from the very moment that you first open your eyes.
Sometimes, those decisions may not be ones that other people agree with but you don’t necessarily have to choose to listen to their opinions either.
The only people that you absolutely should listen to are people in authority like police officers or your boss at work, I would recommend listening to them because to do otherwise could mean consequences that you don’t like.
But, as long as you are living your life legally (or at least not getting caught, your choice), you don’t have to follow the beat of anyone else’s drum but your own.
A Tiny Revelation
I used to live to make my parents proud in any way that I could. Before making big decisions for my life, I would double check with them to see if they thought that if I was making the right choice.
When I started dating, if the relationship got serious, I would oftentimes ask my significant other for their opinion before making a big decision and then I would go ask my parents what they thought, too. Crazy, right?
It was as if I had no confidence in my own decision making abilities because my parents had expected us to always look to them for guidance. It honestly wasn’t until I went to high school with some hard headed friends that I started to think for myself and make my own decisions.
I remember how devastated my mother was when I came home from school one day and told her that I was joining the Navy at 18 years old. I know she had wanted me to go to college right away but I just couldn’t think about taking out so many loans for a degree that may not even help me land a good job.
So, I made the decision to join the military for 4-6 years and use that resource to go to college for free afterwards. It didn’t necessarily turn out the way that my young 18 year old brain had intended for it to but that’s just life. It gave me the freedom to get out from under my parents controlling thumb and I never looked back.
More Confidence and Better Relationships
From the time people first meet me, they know exactly what to expect. I am honest and upfront about what I believe in and what I want from life, because I know exactly what I want and where I am going. And I do what it takes to get what I want (within reason).
The funny thing is that I had a conversation with my dad on the phone the other night and he told me that he doesn’t usually understand what is going through my mind but he fully supports me making my own decisions now because he knows that I am smart enough to accept the consequences of whatever decision that I make. This was a big step for us in our relationship and I cried happy tears when I got off the phone.
Learning to make my own decisions has allowed me to gain a confidence that I never knew was possible. I live life on my own terms now and I don’t really answer to anyone but me and whatever deity I choose to worship.
I would love to hear your thoughts on freedom on choice and whether or not you feel confident in making your own decisions.
Thanks for reading,
Ivy
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Thank you. I needed this article. I was raised by very controlling (and Catholic) parents so I was frontloaded with plenty of uncertainty and guilt. Needless to say, no support when joining the Navy but my feelings of patriotism were strong enough to make me resolved to go to war anyways. After a failed ten year marriage, I had my counselor point out to me that I had been attracted to the same type of woman that my mother was: controlling and inflexible, and bringing me always to run any decision I made by her and leaving me feeling dependent on her validation on anything I did. By the time I woke up to what was going on, my 20s were gone. Facing a single life being responsible for my decisions and mostly alone is very scary to me. Maybe 1% exciting but 99% depressing and terrifying. The military really made things easier in a way by not leaving you any freedom of choice: chain of command and all decisions were made for you. Even in college, your daily routine is dictated by a class schedule and a graduation plan. I am happy that your parents became supportive because mine are still at the stage where they fault all the decisions in my life. I guess that finding a support circle of sorts should be front and center for my first step out on my own... I remember a brief period between military and marriage where I would go mountain climbing: just find the biggest rock face I could and fight my way to the top. That was very satisfying, and I always found a unique sort of peace and relief at the top. Maybe I should try that again =)
Oh I can relate to a lot of things that you say and I know how it is to be raised by a strongly Catholic mother who was domineering and expected nothing less than perfection thus giving me both anxiety and false courage in jumping to doing something.
I was expected to join the military (not accepted because 2 inches too short from required height) a priest (even started to fully consider it and took Philosophy) or become a lawyer ( philosophy was a hitting two birds with one stone choice)
Everything was planned out and I was just expected to deliver.
Studying Philosophy kinda back fired because it really made me think of different thoughts and that there are different ways of achieving things.
Somehow the plan was not that important anymore.
I wanted to explore different things. Like you I tried to find the biggest rock and tackle it head long.
I escaped from the planned life and tackled my life without boundaries.to be adventurous and move out of my comfort zone.
Life is too short for us to be limited.
This is powerful, Mave! I totally love that you shared this. I guess Cathoic, controlling parents are running around everywhere lol. I didn't know you had studied Philosophy, that's really interesting. I studied Business but I think I should have majored in something else. I like that, tackling the biggest rock. I'm still trying to do that in my life too. I'm glad you were able to escape, too. Here's to the escapees from the comfort zone!
Ivy
Wow guess my experience wasn't that uncommon! My mother pushed me hard to be a priest as well, my entire childhood... only allowed to read Catholic literature... when it was time to apply to colleges I was only allowed to apply to Catholic colleges. Luckily the one that I chose studied more than Catholic philosophers and I found myself fully embracing existentialism which to me seemed to have more truth and beauty in it than the philosophy married to convoluted theologies that Catholic philosophers expounded. I still have a great appreciation for certain elements of Catholicism (really just the art and music) but find myself much happier living by the golden rule "do unto others" as well as trying to learn more about myself.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, I was raised by Catholic parents too, so I understand and can relate to that. Your counselor sounds like a good one, I would hold onto that one. I have had similar experiences with relationships too, falling for people just like my father. It has taken 12 years for my father to say that to me so give yourself some time. We all make mistakes and that is just part of life, it's how you react to falling on your face that counts. You have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off, at least that's what I do. You have a new freedom that you can do anything with so do whatever brings you joy. Each day that we are given is a gift and we have the choice to see it as a gift or as a burden. I pray that you find peace and joy in your life with your newfound freedom :)
Ivy
Oh Ivy such a beautiful story of how you found your strength and confidence in making your small and big decision.
That anecdote with your dad was so heartfelt and moving.
My dad has never really been an understanding man so for him to say something like that kinda knocked me back a little bit. To have his support after so many years is mentally an incredible blessing for me. I have plenty of people that support me but it's always nice to have your parents in your corner. Thanks, sweetie!
Ivy
This is huge right here. A lot of young people, I think, are floundering because of the exact opposite problem you (and I!) had--their parents are allowing them to make decisions beyond their maturity level, but no one has taught them how to accept responsibility for the consequences. I'm glad your dad said that particular line because it's how I've determined to raise my kids, but I'd never seen it so neatly put.
Chalk me up as another person who totally relates to spending far too many years being afraid to make her own decisions. Funny enough I didn't have that problem as a military officer. As @corpsvalues said, I think there's an appeal to the military because it gives you a confidence in your work life that you lack in your personal life.
The military was an awesome experience for me because it forced me out of my comfort zone in so many ways and it did give me confidence that I was lacking in before. I think many parents either over or under estimate the level of their children's maturity and that can cause some conflict. My siblings and I have always been more mature than other people our age but our parents wanted to shelter us in many ways from having to make hard life decisions, I don't fault them for that at all. I just knew that I needed to find my own way in the world so I had to take the reigns a little bit myself. Based on your posts, it sounds like your children are amazing and have awesome parents :)
Ivy