The Things He Doesn't Understand

There are just some things that my husband just simply doesn't understand. I don't know if these are things that he doesn't want to understand or if he literally just doesn't understand. I don't know if I actually want him to understand them though at the same time. I want him to know me better than anyone else obviously, and he already does, but it is hard. It is hard to let someone be that close to you when you have been through all of the things that I have been through and not freak out. They say you have to move on from the past or you will just keep bringing it into your future. It is not that simple though. One very simple way to put it is that the physical scars heal and most of them don't stay with you forever so those are easy to move into the future without, but the emotional ones are a little harder to heal and leave behind. Those scars are not easily quantified and they are often overlooked by others around you.

The only time that I have felt like maybe my husband doesn't care nearly as much as he says he does is when I try to tell him things or explain things to him and he just rolls his eyes. He has never been through things like I have. He has never felt the things that I have. He has been through some things, but the things that he has been through are so minor. He wants to sit and complain about the things that he has been through and he wants me to listen and to sympathize with him, but he doesn't return it. When I try to tell him that he has hurt my feelings doing something or that something is not how he sees it, he rolls his eyes. When I bring up the fact that because of a lot of things I have PTSD (and a pretty severe case at that) he thinks it is a joke. He doesn't understand how much I need him to understand in those moments. He acts like it doesn't mean anything.

I have probably set myself up for that though because I choose not to talk about how I feel or how things have affected me. I choose to just keep my mouth shut for the most part because in almost every instance in my life, keeping my mouth shut was the best way to avoid having the fuck beat out of me on a daily basis. He doesn't take me seriously when I say that I have never trusted someone as much as I trust him. He thinks I am lying when I say that he is the only person that has ever been there for me and that I need him more than I care to admit.

When I left my ex-husband I swore up and down I would never let anyone get that close to me again. I swore that I would never put myself in a position to be hurt like that again. I promised myself that all I would ever let myself need was my children. I broke that promise and all of the swearing was in vain. I opened myself up and fell in love again when I least expected it. I let myself need him. Now I can never go back. My life will never feel complete without him by my side again. I will never be able to function without him. I am completely and utterly ruined.

He doesn't understand the things from my past. But, just as much as he doesn't understand my past, he also does not understand the now. He doesn't understand what it would do to me if I didn't have him. He also doesn't understand how much I need him to understand my past. This will come with time though I am sure.