Depression

There are so many opinions on what depression should look like. When you think of depression what do you think of. What do you think of when you try to picture what depression looks like? Is it someone who has a mess of hair and stinks because they haven't gotten out of bed for a week? Is it someone who is constantly drunk or high because they can't deal with reality? Is it someone who cuts their wrists and has constant breakdowns? What does depression look like to you?

I'll tell you what depression looks like for me. Depression looks like the complete lack of desire to do anything other than simply exist. It looks like the feeling that I am not good enough to even be around my kids and my husband. For me depression means that my demons have pulled me back into the dark space that I have tried to hard to get away from for so long. Depression means that I have no desire to eat or to take care of the basic needs of myself. Depression means that I force myself to do more than normal because I have to stay busy or I won't do anything at all. It means that I would rather disappear than be around anyone, including myself. Depression means that I start feeling like all I am is a burden to everyone around me again.

When the demons rise up and pull me under again I revert back into what I used to fight every day. I fight the urge to just not eat and not do anything. It is like this black hole that no one actually understands. The silky blackness that drapes itself over my heart and soul is all consuming. I do my best to cover it up because I have never been allowed to feel it. I have never been allowed to deal with it. I have to cover up the effects of it seeping out of every pore and dripping out all over everything that I touch. I hate that I don't feel that I am worthy of being able to deal with it. I hate that I feel like I have to cover it up and clean up its mess along the way but that is how it goes for me. When I am at my most depressed my mother thinks that I am at my best. My house is clean. My kids are taken very good care of. My husband is happy. I have my hair done and my makeup is perfect. That is my mask. When I am depressed I am not allowed to show it. I am the one who holds up my whole family. I am the backbone and the strength in my family. I put on my mask and I am the strong person that I am expected to be. My husband doesn't understand this either. He doesn't understand why I look so good on the outside and he feels so good and everything is done, yet the tiniest thing is a huge deal. He doesn't understand that underneath a very thin layer I am crying. I am breaking and I am mush. He doesn't understand that I literally cannot take anything else at that moment in time and that anything else that does happen is earth shattering for me in that moment.

These things are all what make up depression for me. What does your depression look like?