Respecting Your Name
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My real name is a five letter, two syllable name. It is one of those names where the first syllable can also be a short form. My name is a short form for another name as well, sort of sticks me in the middle of naming formats.
For most of my life I was called by that short form, mostly within the family. I hated it. Outside the family, others thought it was great sport to use the long form of the name. I got to the point with those outside the family that I would refuse to respond when they used the long form, after all, they were not calling me by name.
As for the short form, eventually, people outside the family started using it as they heard family members using it. I hated that even more. I didn’t really know why I hated it, I just cringed every time I heard it. To me, it wasn’t my name. yet, I was being forced to treat it like it was. My mother took the attitude that she brought me into the world and she’d call me what she wanted.
The light on the why I hated the use of the short form dawned when I was listening to a sermon at church one day. The minister was talking about respect for others and how the small ways of showing respect matter. He talked about how a person’s name is the most basic part of their identity. It is theirs, it is the first step in how they identify their self to the world. Addressing the person with the name of their choosing is respectful of the person.
The light dawned for me. While my actual name was not of my choosing, once it went onto my birth certificate, it became mine. It became a part of my identity. Being forced to accept and respond to a name that was not of my choosing was a form of bullying, something I was way too familiar with being on the receiving end. That is why I hated hearing either the short or long form of my name.
The problem became, the use of the short form was so widespread, how was I going to stop it? Then I met a lady I greatly admired. Her name was Barbara Anne, not Barb or Barbara or any other form that name seems to attract. When people would take it on themselves to alter her name, she’d smile and quietly remind them her name was Barbara Anne.
I thought about it for some time and decided, she was right. She never introduced herself as anyone but Barbara Anne and I had never ever introduced myself as anyone but my given name. Anyone who addressed me with any other name was doing so without my permission and why should I not let them know they spoke in error?
So, at the age of 50, I finally decided to take a stand and put an end to a name I hated. I would clearly and firmly let anyone who used any other form of my name to address me, they didn’t have my permission.
The first encounter with someone using the short form was actually in a store where I shop for my clothes. A new clerk was serving me, asked for my phone number to look up the account, saw my name on the screen and proceeded to shorten it. I responded quietly by telling her what my name was.
She informed me she had a friend with the same name and went by the short form. I looked at her for a moment, glanced at the store manager watching the exchange and quietly told her that I not only wasn’t her friend, if she wanted to be so presumptuous, I may choose not to be a customer. She decided to address me properly.
Within the circle of people who knew me, it didn’t take long for most of them to adjust to calling me by my name. The odd time they would slip but not often. I had explained to them that I had put up with the short form most of my life and hated it. They had enough respect for me to change.
They also saw me when I would be introduced to people who I heard being called by different versions of their name asking the person what their preference was and respecting their answer.
Nine years later, the only holdouts are members are my family. I recently had to once more remind my next younger sister what my proper name was. Her response was to call me touchy and uptight for calling her out on her rude behaviour toward me.
When I pointed out to her she was being rude, her justification was that it’s easier to use the short form. Easier, it’s a five letter name for pete sake. She has a five letter, two syllable name but the first syllable doesn’t lend itself to a short form. Maybe I should just arbitrarily starting calling her, I don’t know, maybe “Sam” just because it’s easier than using her own name.
Respecting a person starts with their name and using it as the person wishes. Is it that hard to show basic respect to a person?
I have a difficult hyphenated first name. I am not crazy about it when people only use the first half.
Maybe take some inspiration and let people know you prefer your actual name, all of it?
It s bad that you hated that name
Why is it bad? It's not my name, so no reason to like it.
I totally agree with you. My first name is Vincent, not Vince or Vinny.
In my family, in France, we never abbreviated first names, so I never had this problem with my parents or my siblings. And it has never been a problem in France.
Only in North America, some people I met wanted to call me Vince, and I immediately told them that my first name was not Vince, but Vincent.
good for you ... Nice to meet you Vincent :)
I have a 8-letter, 3-syllable name, which is also very easy to pronounce, in general. So many people throughout my life have wanted to call me a shorter version of my name.
My mother was super hardcore when my little bro and I were in elementary school, taking care to make sure were called Jessamyn and Matthew as opposed to the shorter, seemingly favored Jess and Matt.
I had teachers ask me if they could call me by my last name instead of my first name. My last name is literally only 1 syllable shorter than my first, and not any easier to pronounce, in general.
After a while, I started just feeling hardcore about it, myself. Jess is specifically reserved for friends and family...otherwise, and specifically, I am always Jessamyn.
Edit: My brother doesn't care what people call him, so now most people just call him Matt, which is odd to his family and friends. Lol...he just doesn't care.
Great post, @shadowspub. Really relate to this one, albeit on a slightly different angle than your story comes from, but ultimately the same outcome and general feelings toward the subject.
To me, it's one of the basic elements of respect, and shouldn't be hard for people to understand.
good for you for sticking up for your name. It really does astound me how entitled some people feel about how they treat other people and their name.
I get some people don't really care and God love them.
I have a friend who gives people the option of either Jude or Judith and many people ignore her and call her Judy... like are you kidding me, you have two choices and you still can't respect her wishes.