More Adventures In Roofing- How I Came To Hate Harvard Profs: A Kid Story

While I'm recovering from my recent roofing adventure healing up for round 2, I thought of a funny story from when The Kid was in the construction business.

When I roofed, my billing practice was 1/3, 1/3, 1/3. One third up front to cover materials, one third upon completion, and the final third after the first rain when the customer could see that my roofs don't leak (and I'm still batting 1.000).

I got a call to N. Cmabridge just around the corner from my girlfriend's house to re-roof a house belonging to a Harvard professor. He wanted a bid on a modified mansard with a bunch of dormers- a real pain in the ass. We negotiated a price, I explained the billing procedure and he agreed. When the roof was finished, I got my second payment. The first rain came about a week later.

At 2:30 AM my phone rings and it's the prof, freaking out: "My roof's leaking!" I jump out of bed, get in my truck and race to N. Cambridge. I grab my flashlight and go up into the crawl space and it's dry as a bone... in all the roofs I've done, I never had a single one leak. I tell this guy, who's running around wringing his hands like some old queen, that there's no leak. I told him to go up and look... "Oh no," he exclaims, "there's spiders up there." He brings me into one of the upstairs bedrooms and shows me a waterstain... "It's getting bigger, I'm sure of it." Very patiently- after getting roused out of a good night's sleep for nothing- I explain to this assclown that for a waterstain to grow, first the plaster has to get wet. Then it has to dry- this takes several days to a week, minimum. Then the stain appears. "Well," he huffs, "I'm not paying!"

Now in Massachusetts, graft is an artform and it doesn't matter how good of a craftsman you are, if you don't grease a few palms- you ain't going nowhere in the construction trades. There was a building inspector, Bill, that I had a good relationship with... he liked VO and I made sure to have a fifth for him when he came to look at my jobs. So, I called him up the next day and we headed up to N. Cambridge to have a look. He went up into the crawl space and no leak, of course. He tells the prof: "Your roof is fine- pay the guy."

The deadbeat professor tells Bill: "I'm a professor at Harvard..." Bill cuts him off with: "I don't care if you're a professor at Harvard or Jesus Christ on a fucking bicycle- this roof doesn't leak... and if I were you I'd give this guy his money, because if I have to take a day off work to go to court- this is going to cost you plenty." I got my money!

I don't know what it is with professors... it seems that they must have to take a test or something to make sure they don't have any common sense. When I was in college, I used to make money doing home repairs for the faculty. I have a guy ask me one day, how much I'd charge to replace some locks.

I went over and took a look and there were five locks he wanted replaced. I told him, there's nothinmg wrong with them, all he had to do was have them rekeyed... and I'd take care of the labor for $10.00. Oh no... he wants the whole things replaced- so I tell him $10.00 apiece. We go to the hardware store and he buys the exact same locks!

While I was doing the job, this guy (Mr. Political Correctness on campus) is standing there watching me, smoking up my cigarettes and complaining about how stupid black people are and how they don't belong in college. Then he turns to me and says; "It's a wonder the way you can do handy work like that... I wish I could."

I tell him "John, it's two fucking screws- there's only one way to do it."

"Well," he says, "I'd never have figured it out."

This guy was making $75,000 a year and he couldn't replace a doorknob! Life just ain't fair!!!