Life Lessons, Chapter 1: Life Changes

The desert is an enticing part of the world. Seemingly empty, large stretches of sand, dust, and stone – it houses a plethora of plants and animals and if you feel particularly thirsty – illusions. The best way to describe the desert is as a land of extremes. The species that inhabit its territory must primarily be one thing: adaptable. And I believe the same applies to us, too.

When we come into this world, life is a blank page. Over time, lots of pages are added and filled with experiences; and every now and then, life opens up new chapters. We call this change and most of the time we are afraid of it, especially if the change is undesired. But we can take matters into our own hands and write the chapters of our book ourselves. Because not all change is bad; quite the contrary, change helps us to grow and find ourselves.

Safe Montony

It can be reassuring for us to know what's going to happen tomorrow, and in the coming months, what we'll do in ten years and how we'll spend our retirement. Some people find this vision gruesome. Whether we are comfortable with change, actively seek it or try to avoid it depends on our character. In hindsight, though, it does not matter. If we look back on an idyllic life in which everything turned out as we had imagined it, we will smile. If we look back on a turbulent life which was exciting, we will also smile; depending on our character. But in both cases something may be missing. We may think we have not done everything we had wanted to do. We might wonder what would have happened if we had been more daring. If we had intentionally driven off the road. If we had taken more risks to achieve something or if we had dared to go on that incredible adventure. The good news is: To start a new chapter, it is never too late. All we need is the right mindset to overcome those natural restraints whose purpose it is to keep us from putting ourselves in danger.
When everything is as usual and there are no surprises or changes, we are satisfied; because monotony is calculable. It is therefore only logical that the proven and the foreseeable give us a feeling of security. Whatever has already worked or has not hurt us will continue to work and will not hurt us in the future. There seems to be no reason to take a risk or discover something new. The strategy of holding on to the familiar tune is deeply rooted in us. Sticking to what is known offers more survival advantages than taking risks. Moreover, the fear of change can also be understood as protection against disappointment or injury. We might easily be swayed by other people’s warnings, listen to our own inner critic or form negative thoughts in our heads of what could potentially go wrong and the terrible consequences if it did. To be able to change, we need to liberate our thoughts and overcome those fears.

Restraining Responsibilities

So what is it that makes us seek adventure? Two things: boredom and curiosity. These two states of mind are the fuel that makes us move on in life. They drive us to develop, to learn, to grow. To walk steps that lead us into unknown territory. Whether we actively seek change out of curiousity or whether we crave it out of frustration with our normal routine does not matter. What matters is taking the first step to initiate the change.
Just like the desire for security, the urge for change is rooted within us. It is there from the beginning. Take small children for example; they are great explorers. Curiously they explore every corner of their world. They want to know everything and always learn something new. Boredom is something that children are not familiar with. Of course, embracing change as a child is easy. Not only because there is so much to discover and to learn, but also because children can give in to curiosity carelessly. Lacking fear, everything is fascinating and exciting to them. Research shows that until the age of 20, one is generally open to new things and ideas. Once we get older, we start having responsibilities. We get a job, perhaps buy a house or start a family. Once we have acquired these things, we are reluctant to lose them. We then favour security and avoid anything that endangers it. Change is seen as something negative and would only worsen our current situation. We would rather live in boredom, with our usual habits than take the risk of a change and perhaps lose everything. But when these responsibilities decrease, our attitude starts to change again; for example, once the children have grown up and left the nest. Then we become open to new adventures. And sometimes it is simply our frustration with monotony which becomes so great that we yearn for a change.

Inevitable Changes

Whatever our attitude towards change is, and regardless of whether we try to avoid it, changes are part of life and are unavoidable. Think of all the changes that have happened in your life. Not only those that you initiated yourself but all those changes that simply happened to you. Like the time you were made redundant. Or the time when the lease on your apartment was up and you had to move into a new home. New city. New job. New friends. New partner. New challenges. New life stages. New ideas and values that are constantly changing. Everything around us and even we ourselves are constantly changing. What we make of these changes is in our own hands. We can long for the good old days or we can embrace the changes and see them as opportunities. To see new sides of ourselves, to build our character, to find out what we can achieve if we try.
And sometimes the change comes from within us. When we feel this urge, this longing for something that has not yet been. For something else; something new. Then we feel daring and renew our wardrobe, try a new hairstyle, or order a dish at the restaurant which we haven’t tried before. Even these small changes can make us feel excited and hungry for life. But we can be much more daring. And if there is one thing to say about change, it is this: we don’t have to fear the unknown. On the contrary; changes also change us positively. Learning something new expands our horizon. It makes life exciting. Embracing fear can recharge our batteries; renew our spirits and make us stronger.

Realistic Expectations

Changes force us to see everything from a different perspective. They make us think about ourselves, to question ourselves, to start from the beginning, to grow. Even if at first glance changes look dangerous, and not every experiment goes well, change is good for us. Mentally and physically. It builds our character. Even if the change does not feel right in the first moment or it did not turn out as we had hoped. Eventually the negative consequences of a change will also pass by. Because the unknown is always a danger, we tend to paint a gloomy picture before the change has occurred. This natural protective mechanism is useful from keeping us out of danger, but it can become overbearing. If we take a rational approach to change, we can choose to be aware that each end is also a new beginning. The cards are reshuffled. And what you make out of this hand is in your own hands. Instead of giving in to phantasy, we can imagine the positive impact that the change could have on us in a little while; how life will be then. And what new opportunities will arise. We can think of the best possible scenario instead of the worst. And then we deliberately decide to do everything to make this concept a reality.
Having said that it is probable not wise to quit your job and move to New York City just to realise you don’t have enough money to make it there. Embracing change does not mean to jump right in at the deep end and to forsake familiar ways out of fear of getting stuck in a rut. While it is important that we remain positive, we also need to be realistic. Because sometimes we expect too much from a change. Psychologists call this the false hope syndrome. In this case we pin all our hopes on the change and believe that everything will better after the change has occurred. This can set us up for failure. Particularly, when we underestimate the effort that is necessary to achieve sustainable change. For example, assuming that you want to lose weight right now, it is not enough to simply stop eating. You cannot expect to feel the positive effect on your body instantly. Changing your diet from moment to the next or running ten miles every day will not make any difference and may lead to frustration, disappointment and resigning to the fact that change cannot be achieved. But if we set our goals realistically, and turn them into a plan of action, the change is more likely to be successful and sustainable. Because then we have changed our habits. And we can always celebrate the small successes that keep us on track.

To be continued.