Sophomore year is in full swing and my life is crazy. I’m dealing with stress from all of my various commitments and all of the feelings that come with being back at school with … people who I miss and am really angry with in equal measure. So, my emotions and stress levels are both a little out of wack. For that reason, my goal is still to be very active on here but please forgive me if I’m not. Even if you haven’t seen me in a couple of days, I am still alive and kicking and writing and missing you all. My life outside of this screen can just be a little overwhelming.
As for my asks, I really love getting asks from you guys and answering them. It’s one of the best parts of my day - reading what you guys think or trying to help when things are hard. But I hate bombarding people’s dashboards with asks and I hate leaving them in my inbox b/c I haven’t written and I try to balance asks with writing on my blog. where the girl he calls his sun is here for fun, and do it now. Do it now before you become that thing that burns every day to bring him light. Before you start chipping away at parts of yourself as the fuel for the warmth that sustains him, feeds his hungry tongue and greedy hands.
What happens when the sun burns out? It won’t happen today, nor tomorrow but it is coming. That last collision of particles, that last melding of matter that erupts in liquid gold sparks. The amber shadow you cast over him, the sparkling amethyst that he bathes in. It will go out. That is the nature of suns - to burn and burn until there is nothing left to ignite.
And he will leave. Eventually, inevitably like the pull of the ocean and the sound of the wind and the return of day, he will find another star. Another bright thing to light the parts of himself he has never been able to reach. You might be his sun but people are not planets. We are not meant to revolve around one thing for so long, meant for our existence to be concentrated on one single point. And so when our sun dies down, we leave. We can’t help it but that doesn’t make it any less our fault. People are not planets and it is not our fault if they call us their suns. It is only our fault if we stay.
So, if you didn’t know, I have a personal blog: @forgottenwishesandemptykisses and if you send your asks there (specifically ones asking for advice or ones that are about your lives and not writing).
Right?! I really love how you said that. Because that’s exactly what it is. Instead of making beauty a less important factor in the equation of our self worth, we make it the goal. We say “I’ll accept myself when my skin looks like this and my waist line looks like that and I have a bigger ass and I will put myself through any number of expensive and unenjoyable tasks to get there”. We say “You’re worth something because you’re beautiful” instead of “You’re worth something. Period.”
It’s like we spend decades telling little girls that beauty only looks one way and then expect them to change their entire conceptualization of beauty immediately. We tell people to look for physical beauty first instead of kindness and compassion and humor. We idolize and covet lifestyles that we can’t afford and wouldn’t want if we weren’t bombarded with images of it. And then we hate ourselves for it.
Last week, I read “The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo” (which sidebar: I 11/10 recommend. I cried after I closed the last page. I don’t do that. Ever.) And I loved the quote, “And taking pride in your beauty is a damning act. Because you allow yourself to believe that the only thing notable about yourself is something with a very short shelf life.” But more than that? You allow yourself to believe that the only thing that matters about yourself is something you have no control over. Over a random alignment of genetics and features. How’s that for learned helplessness?
So listen up, anybody reading this semi entitled rant: You ARE beautiful. Because of the way you smile at strangers and make eye contact with the cashier and make your teachers laugh and hug your friends and family after a hard day. Because of the way you keep working despite how frustrated you get, the way you reach for goals and dreams and stars as if you don’t need a telescope to see them. Because you have hope for a world that doesn’t deserve it. Because you have such a big capacity for love. Because you are fascinating. Because your passions light up your eyes in a way that cannot be described. Because you are here. And alive and kicking as hard as life is. Because you are being human and experiencing this shared shakespearean tragedy we call life, the best you know how. Screw the rest.
I can get to them much quicker. If you choose to still send them to this blog, that’s fine!! I will answer them!! But not nearly as quickly as I can answer them on my personal. I have 7 asks in my inbox right now that I’m going to answer and queue tonight but being able to separate Advice Mode Lydia and Writing Mode Lydia will really help me stay active and manage my stress levels.
Y’all are one of the best parts of my life and I don’t want this blog to start being a stress. So keep sending asks! I literally love hearing from you!! But if you want to help a tired college student out, send some to my personal too. That is all, back to your regularly scheduled dashboard scrolling.
You are the architect of your own recovery. Don’t you think you deserve that? You spent years sticking for sale signs in all the parts of yourself you hadn’t learned to love yet. And now, you’re digging them up, planting flowers in the places that used to be promised to picket fences. To false idols and perfunctory fantasies and the version of yourself that only exists in your head. I mean, sure, the rest of us make up some of the scaffolding. Our love helps round out the rough edges, but the foundation? The thing that you use to rebuild and reimagine yourself again and again and again. That is all you. You drew the blueprints. We are just the people cheering and grinning like perfect idiots on the side.
Also, if you don’t see your ask on my blog anymore, I did not delete it! I would never! I just privately posted it so that my blog is more writing than asks.
Hello, my lovely followers. I have a couple of updates! Sorry I'm not the best with words but-) Hey sunny! I know I'm a complete stranger but I just wanted to say that I was having a pretty stressful day and I decided to go through your blog, and just started crying- you're so positive and open minded and it just makes me really happy. I hope your day is going well and know that you're a really good person.
ah geez, this is a really sweet ask; thank you so much for taking the time to send it! i’m glad i was of some indirect help and i hope that you’re feeling better!