Vulnerability

Any type of authenticity require vulnerability. In theory this looks easy maybe. Just be honest and don't care if people don't like it. After all, your purpose on this world is not to be liked. But it's hard, isn't it?

To put yourself out there in ways that are against the "normal" is already a huge risk with friends and family but strangers and random people. They can't get it, they don't have the context, the know how, the user manual of you!

And all these are more reasons..not to care what they think. Right?!

But weirdly, I find myself shyer and more toned down around new people. And I hate it, cause it means I put so much weight on what people think of me and I thought that at 30+ you get over this. I thought I will get over this. The incessnat need for validation and to be liked. I feel deeply wounded when I think someone doesn't like me.

What is not to like?
Then I realize that most of it, all of it, is not to be liked. I go from this to "what even is to be liked?" in matter of seconds and minutes. I get sad and depressed cause I get sad and depressed. The circle spins and tightens.

Then I try to calm and be back. But it takes a toll. Better to play it safe.

However, I do not actually believe this is the way. The way seems to be a decoupling of the importance of other's opinion, or in fact, fleeting opinion. For me, it;s simply stop caring and manifesting me as much as I can.

And so we are back to vulnerability. To shields. To mental tricks.
I have this feeling that it doesn't have to be this way.
Yet, I know no other way...