Have your cake...

...and eat it too??

I was always intrigued with this saying. It usually seems to mean that you can't have it both ways or that you can't have anything. But is confusing to me cause...if you buy a cake, isn't it kind of assumed that you'll be eating it too?!

I like to use this to mean exactly the opposite: Enjoy your cake!!

Speaking of cakes, it was my birthday and I had a pretty good one. I am not one to celebrate birthdays that much as it seems to be little to celebrate. The passing of time doesn't make me happy and numbers going up is the natural order of things so why be happy about it?

I like to think that maybe I grew wiser or that I've learned something this year but the reality is that I probably did not. Progress is difficult and slow when you are old and the effort seems to be more difficult. However, I notice that I'm getting better at seeing my weak spots and maybe some solutions. Lately, though, I'm more convinced that focusing on the weak spots is a losing strategy. Trying to bring your "x" weakness to more average levels doesn't seem to lead to improvement in overall life happiness. But the social pressure...

In the end, I think that the older you get, the less you care about that. It's a time of acceptance and "fuck off if you don't like it!". I'm too old to change for your liking, thank you very much!!

But this attitude is very connected to my general current state of mind. Sometimes, it simply seems to be the natural and only way to look at things...other times, it looks like a pit of despair from which there is no exit. "why don't you like me?" is a constant dark whisper.

Well, at least there was cake.