A glitch in my personality.
Those of you who follow me from waaaay, waaaaaaaaaaay, way back know about the evolution of my hearing. From hearing impaired, to impaired enough to need a hearing aid. That's been quite a depressing ride and right in the middle of the depression, is when I found Steemit. From many points of view I could argue that it did help me a lot. The gathering of minds here really touched me, ignited my creativity and gave me hope.
You know how online nothing is really real, right? That's why, when Steemfest happened, it kind of solidified all these feeling in something "REAL". I'm very thankful for all that.
That being said, in my day to day life, the fight goes on. There are two levels of fighting for me: internal and external.
For one, I'm struggling with my insta-answer to anything: " I can't hear well. I don't want to do it. I don't even want to try. It's too difficult to handle the aftermath". That's my default. Basically, all my inner fighting is saying "wait a second, wait a second...is there really no way?". I'm stubborn. I'm stubborn. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. When I win, I go out there and something could happen.
When I lose, I'm stuck in my dark room wallowing in self-pity. IF ONLY I HEARD!! I whimper [internally].
Well, I mean sure, but that's a lie. I used to hear better and I still didn't do all that much. Because, fear of failure, of rejection, of opportunity, of embarrassment is real for everyone. So the fight is actually with myself, my very very credible illusions and victim hood :)
But once I get over myself, I do hit into the reality of the impairment...
Now this is the second fight and the one I wanted to mention. Because I act, my natural state of reacting and interacting, in the virtue of a personality that was built on me hearing rather well. I act like a "normal" person but we need to be realistic, I am not one anymore. Which sucks, because the discrepancy becomes very apparent. Like one of those ex-athletes that everyone knows is a little too old and past his expiration date...everyone but him. He still acts like he is the shit when he is actually just..you know, shit! It\s sad.
So for me, being me it's difficult now because I can't have the same flow always. It's hard to be witty spontaneous when the risk of not hearing or mishearing is so high. Its hard to carry a conversation. To make a connection. It's easier to be less talkative [ which is essentially the opposite of everything I stand for ] and just subdued [ which, god forgive me, is unforgiving ].
Sometimes I catch myself acting like myself but the context of me, my whole person being less than it was, it's not the same anymore. Let me give you another analogy: An old model. Like you were gorgeous in your 20s and everything you did was MAGIC and people responded to that. 30 years later, you're still interesting yeah, but people just don'\t see you as much. That happens a lot and people who use to be beautiful have a hard time dealing with the new reality. They act like they still are gorgeous but the people just don't respond the same. Life's tough when you're ugly :D
Life's tougher when you're hard of hearing.
You are just less.
And we are back in the mental game territory because thinking that you are LESS is the road to death in my opinion.
Fight fight fight.
I'll take any win :)
Thanks for reading.
What?, Did you her something?, Could that sound repeat itself for me?
Know the feeling as I have been hearing impaired my whole life. Had hearing aids all through school from Kindergarten when my hearing loss was discovered.
After getting Meningitis over a year ago I am fortunate not to have loss my hearing. However sometime my ears ring now. So sometimes I don't bother trying to hear and just choose what I am going to hear instead.
Hear well and may I suggest binaural beats. They sound good and can be good for the nerves and the brain. Win well!
Heh, meningitis is what did me in when I was younger. Fk that disease!
But yes, I am in the "WHAT?! WHAT? WHAT??" club and proud of it :))
I can feel and "hear" both of your stories. It's all new for me and it's interesting to know i am not alone.
it's a lot more common that you'd believe but feels like you're the first human to experience it. mindfuck 101.
I speak too loud 🙀😭
Yes, none of us are alone. :)
🌺
Excellent post! I like your work My friend
thank youu!!
Thanks for sharing your story. My kid has a bad eye -- so bad that if something were to happen to his good eye, he wouldn't qualify for a driver's license or any of he careers he currently wants to do when he grows up. So I worry about that a lot and about the physical challenges that may or may not exist in his future. But I've never really thought about the internal struggles he may face. So again, thank you for sharing this. I'm sure many can relate.
Sorry to hear about your son but on the bright side, people with some disadvantages grow up to be "better" persons in my experience. You need to have things that push you yo be better out of the fear that you are less. I know it pushed me to be more informed more interesting more something because I feared I can't just be "me". I know it sounds stupid, but it's really a thing. Look at all the strivers in this world, they've all built their life on "less" and overcoming "less". So think of your son as lucky for that.
Also, the support of their parents is what makes a big difference on how you perceive your internal struggle. HAving someone you love tell you that those mean kids are just stupid and you are very much alright as you are or just be there for him is HUGE!
Thank you for reading!!
Hellooo Raz! it's been a long time since we have connected here, but thanks for sharing your story. I too have this problem and the social anxiety that comes when someone sits on my left is a very real thing. My Steemfest gnome sits above my drawing table, my friend. I will never forget that kind gesture.
I swear I have the same anxiety. I literally can't have anyone in my left!!
I'm glad you still have the gnome, a home is what was needed.
PS: you seemed a very graceful and natural person, i would never have guessed any hint of social anxiety!
I was the dude who asked you 3 times at Steemfest how you pronounce your name @razvanelulmarin. You just looked at me and didn't answer.
I feel like an idiot now.
Even without being hearing impaired, my attempts at pronounciation could have caused some confusion.
Sorry :)
Lol that cand totally sound like me. But at least, you'll never know now :))
sorry too, man!
It´s not an easy name to pronounce lol
Just Raz, that works out for me :)
Nice that you shared your story
Me too ! 50% loss and i still didn't get used to. Sometimes I think it's a message for me because it's time to listen to my inner voices more than to all the crap around me. I feel like Beethoven, my homie. Working in the music biz for over 35 years, it's not easy......
yeah it's very common in music industry to develop hearing impairment in time but hey! check for a hearing aid, i'm sure some good ones will fit you perfectly. You still have a lot of years to hear so don't miss out!
Already got them but didn't get used to as much as I should
I work with library payrons who have hearing and vision loss. Some are in denial, some are depressed, and some find healthy ways to cope. It is an unpleasant circumstance, especially when the disability is invisible to others.
This is key: an invisible liability! I conquer , we all do as we can.
I have my own invisible illness to battle. I have some idea what it is like even if our specific struggles differ.
Ive recently gained myself a sweet case of tinnitus. For those who dont know of this terrible thing, its a high pitched ring that never stops.
Its so loud I cannot function as a human. I cant sleep, or think... no matter how much I try.
I would pay someone to make me deaf right now.
Things can always get worse.
Keep your chin up. Tomorrow might be better.
Appreciate your post! It brings back memories from a couple years ago before I left Wells Fargo. I had a customer who did not hear or speak at all. He was younger, around 26, and my favorite customer to help when I was a Teller! I would take 10-20 minute with him, writing our conversation back and forth on a piece of paper while conducting his withdrawal or deposit. Man did I have sympathy/empathy with him.
You explain it in a great way for others to understand who are not deaf, like myself. Like an old athlete or model, not yourself because the foundation of who you were and how you did you was built on hearing. Or is that how you have constructed your own reality? Listening to a lot of podcasts and thought leaders talking about introspection and society undergoing a "great awakening 2.0" - many have said we will re-create ourselves numerous times throughout our lifetime. Woah. When I heard this I thought it was a bit strange, overwhelming to take in at once. Then I thought more and reflected on the idea of recreating ourselves and it makes total sense.
We will face hardships. We will go through failure. We will ALL get old, those of us who make it. As an optimistic-realist, I believe we live in an overwhelmingly negative world. Not to mention technology seems to be hurting the development of social skills which doesn't make interacting any easier.
I don't think you're less of a person. I think it's quite impressive what you've done on steemit alone with your contribution volume. Wouldn't have thought twice that you were deaf. We all face our hardships, but you're totally right - at the end of the day, "we are back in the mental game territory because thinking that you are LESS is the road to death" - keep up the fight, onward!
Very good post, @razvanelulmarin ! Thank you for sharing this part of yourself. It hits home for me, I'm hearing impaired myself. I have been almost my entire life. I must say though that, often, we are our worst critics when it comes to have we feel others perceive us. When I met you in Amsterdam I saw nothing but an outgoing, extremely friendly, and enthusiastic person. That was my impression. You were one of my favorites.
I know how difficult being hearing impaired can make socializing, especially in loud environments. Restaurants and bars with a lot of background noise are especially tough for me. Sometimes I shut down in social situations because of it. My condition makes it virtually impossible for me to tell how loudly I'm speaking, most times I under estimate and people can't hear me. It's a real pain in the ass and there's nothing that can correct it except ear canal transplants. This is something I'm not yet willing to risk.
Hang in there, man. Try to remember that sometimes our perception of ourselves is much more severe than what others are thinking/feeling of us. Having this challenge does tend to allow you to read people much better, you have to learn to read lips and decipher micro-expressions...this still doesn't diminish the daily challenges.
Thanks for this reply!
I can totally relate to this and i't surprsing to me actually that you are hearing impaired as you seemed to be surrounded by people everywhere! I guess that people really do not notice my hearing aid or did not read about me prior to Steemfest but a lot of times I did struggle to listen to people and it did kind of forced me to be less sociable thatn I would have wanted.
The risk-reward benefits are a very personal thing, i know that as implants were an option that has some serious risks and costs. But if you're happy with your current level, i see no reason to change. It pains me the most with strangers and in loud settings [ bars. clubs. ]. I don't go that often to clubs anymore so that might not even matter.
I think naturally I am better at reading people now, because I pay more attention by default, yet it can lead to some very weird situations when I misread, mishear and act like I did hear in fact :)) You know how those goes.
Thanks though for the kind words! It really is amazing to read them
You're welcome, man! I do okay face-to-face as long as I don't have to project my voice across a table or if I'm mic'd up like I was during my talk. I REALLY struggled at the group dinners with all of the background conversations going on and in the Volkshotel pub if it was crowded/loud. I'm just like you...loud clubs/bars are impossible. The condition I have - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tullio_phenomenon will actually make my eyes jump uncontrollably during loud music.
I'm pretty comfortable with my condition as-is, it's an annoyance but I usually will tell people what's going on so they don't think I'm antisocial.
I wish you well dealing with your condition. Try not to get too depressed and/or let it affect your life too negatively. Have a good week!