Why my Dad left me and I nearly became him

in life •  9 months ago

He was a coward. The end.

That’s essentially it, right? You know, it’s easy to do. Live life as you want without tying yourself to any sort of responsibility whatsoever, and if responsibility comes along? Shirk it like it never happened, and if you can’t, then get angry at it until it’s scared to darken your doorstep ever again. 

This is what My Dad did. He was a yellow bellied, shit-cunt coward, and no I won’t apologise for my language there, because it needed to be said. I was a victim of many years abuse from him. The most essential years of my life, 1-5, where I was developing my inner habits and thoughts that would essentially rule my life until the day that I die, he abused that.

He wasn’t there.

I always remember that year my Mum had finally had enough. It was Christmas day of all days, and there was me, playing with my new rocking horse that Santa had sent me, and Mum, sitting, knees against her chest in the corner of the room, sobbing. Dad hadn’t come back that weekend. Mum had only found out a few months beforehand that he had been seeing another lady behind her back, but despite his faults she had decided to give him another chance. 

We spent Christmas alone that year, in a foreign country with no friends. Dad had flown back to Britain to spend it with his lady friend, leaving us, alone, on Christmas.

I admire my Mums strength

We packed our bags and off we went, back to Scotland, to live out the rest of our days without him. He came crawling back, though, but Mum was stronger than that, there’s only so many chances you give a man, right? After that Dad was able to essentially rid himself of any responsibility, again, in his life. 

He contacted me once in five years since the day my Mum left. Once. He was essentially a non-father, someone that wasn’t in my life at all. I grew up in some of the best times in my life without knowing him; it often led to interesting discussions with my friends back in the day, not knowing anyone with split parents yet.

Through all my days I said I’d never be my father, I’d never ever shun responsibility like he did, I’d always be there for my child and I’d always be the man that he never was. You know what was a strikingly hard realisation? That before I made the effort to change my entire being I was becoming like him, in every way. To numb the pain of my traumatic childhood I had taken to alcohol, like him, I was becoming a pathological liar, like him, I was seeing women as objects rather than people, like him, through my desperate anxiety and distancing myself from being anywhere like my Dad, I was becoming him in every way.

It was a hard realisation; one that had me sobbing all night, burying my head into my pillow, not sleeping a wink, rolling over and over in my head,

“I’m my Dad, shit”

But if I hadn’t have stopped abusing the drink how could I have become an effective father and expected my son not to do the same? We get our morals from our parents. if I wasn’t able to stop lying; inventing stories to my Son, how would I expect my Son to always tell the truth? We are essentially leading by example when we parent. If we abuse our kids, then we run the risk of the abused becoming the abuser, and this was me. A product of my Dad, even although he wasn’t there much, becoming him. Scary huh?

Luckily the realisation changed me at a core level. I asked myself, if I’ve been trying to change all my life then how do I ‘actually’ change. The thing is, not many people change, because it’s super hard to. We become creatures of habit, needs, wants and desires. So I sought out help, I sought out people that could help me introspect and slowly change, and it wasn’t a straightforward process either, lots of crying and clutching onto things and anger and hatred, but I got there in the end. 10 years later. It was a long old process, for me, anyway, but worth it.

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You are a good and solid person. I wish you the best.

There are a few similarities between you and me in that regard except that my father has never contacted me before nor he will do it in the future. I was raised by mum and I admire her as long as I can remember. My mum said he has another family and for his sake, I should not disturb him. I pray hard in the future I will never follow his footstep and abandon my own son or daughter. I wouldn't want my children to go through what I have been through.

A really good read Raymond, My biggest fear is to become like my father.

I work tirelessly to make sure I'm as far removed from him as possible. (:

it was too difficult to experience the most complicated things in life, as you mentioned above. I personally do not seem able to accept the reality of life like that. Really hard to live. Thanks a lot @raymondspeaks, for the interesting post.

a boy will not become a real man, before feeling the bitterness of the trials of this life, and you are one of the real man mr. Raymond. Not everyone in this world can survive in such a vastly trials. Good luck sir. Thank you for the inspiration.

The post that make me think long, how people can survive in something very complicated like this. Because I did not experience the same thing. Hard to imagine. A very touching post for fathers, may all the fathers in this world, more dear to their families.

I was also abandoned by my father (very similarly than you, he had left for another woman when I was 8 and my brother 2) . I was angry with him for a long time after that. We did not speak for years, had no contact at all. I was running away from meeting him, and then - at the funeral of my grandfather - we talked. At that very sad moment I could have forgiven him. And since then I realized that it was important.

They say "if you run away from something, there will be a point when it comes opposite to you and you find it right in front of you." We have to face our demons, otherwise we get them back and back and back again right until we learn to handle them.

Thanks for the brave post. I especially like the cover photo!

Bery Nice Pic

I might get the feeling of some portion of your life but i know i can't say anything that will make it ok
but i can say this i am GLAD you are there for your son
He can say proudly he has a Father like you

Thanks for sharing your story. Your Dad sounds like a Narcissist in the way he treated your mother and you. These people have no empathy, please see videos on youtube. You, on the other hand, are not like him as you have been able to recognise what you were doing and change it, which would be impossible for a true Narcissist to do.