Why it’s Important to let kids be themselves
I was raised in a single parent family by my Mum. She was lovely; doted over me like every other loving Mum should do. She pretty much did everything for me and made sure that my life could be as comfortable as possible within the power of her knowledge at her disposal. See, I had a Dad that was an arsehole. I talk about this a lot because he was central to most of my problems, and my Mum, in her grand wisdom definitely didn’t want me being raised to emulate him in any way whatsoever. She was right, my Dad drank himself into an early grave around people that only cared about the image he had created for them, that he was rich and plentiful.
Turned out he was broke. That’s another story, though.
Mum really didn’t want me to turn out like Dad or any other man like him, so she set about giving me ideas and teaching the ways of what she thought a man should be like. She gave me some awesome traits by the way. I never see a threat in women and I never mind being managed or controlled by one. I’ve heard many men struggle with this, but me? I’m nice, kind, polite and respectable to every woman that I meet. Most of my friends now are women. Yup, I’m a great brother-like figure which every woman wants to be friends with.
See? That’s just it. ‘Friends with’.
Mum had forgotten to let me be myself. She was too busy teaching me what she ‘thought’ I should be like. It’s really not Mum’s fault though, I mean she only knew how to teach me to be herself because she didn't know any better.
Perhaps maybe she shouldn't have told me to shut up or halt me when I was angry.
Mum taught me to open doors for ladies, be polite and always respectful. She taught me that arguing was bad because Dad loved shouting and screaming, and that infidelity was a horrible thing to do (something I keep today). Mum spent so long teaching me what not to do as a man that she forgot to just let me be myself.
I still struggle with conflict in the household because of my childhood; I’ll partake in it but I hate it. My wife somehow loves arguments. Not shouty screamy ones, it’s been years since we had one of them, but bickering. I’ve had to slowly learn the nature of myself over the last 10 years and what it’s like to be awesomely masculine. There’s nothing wrong with my masculinity if I respect others around me. I had to learn that, you’d think it would come naturally.
This is why I see millions of men and women running towards dating guru’s and personality builders teaching people to be what they were born to do. Strange, isn’t it? How the hell does someone lose the very fabric of what it is to be themselves? It should be a lesson for us, we shouldn’t be afraid of our kids growing up with a deep sense of themselves and what they want. Sometimes we are so blindsided by what we want for our kids we fail to notice what they want for themselves.
I was destined for University from a young age but was that really what I wanted? At the time, probably not, but my family were so one-sided in their thinking by forcing me to do things that I didn’t want to do that it was a natural progression for me to go off the rails and get into alcohol and drugs.
Us men struggle with our emotions, it’s a given fact actually. You’ll often hear the jokes about the man walking off to his bat cave to process his bad mood. Perhaps maybe it’s time to stop telling our children to shut up or halt them when they are angry. I’m a great believer in accountability and ownership. Maybe it's time we let them properly express themselves.
When my son is really angry I let him get angry; he can stomp around and throw things about (within reason) but afterward he’ll be punished for it and explained to as to why he’s being punished for it. That way he learns that his emotion was natural, yet perhaps not the best choice of action. I feel if I was to punish him in the moment for being angry and try to stop him then he will begin to think that negative emotions are wrong, or bad. That’s why so many people in this day see negative emotion as wrong or unhealthy when they are actually perfectly natural.
It’s what Mum got wrong with me. Every time I was angry, or doing something I shouldn’t, it was linked to my Dads behavior, and no matter how many men she had in between, my Dad was going to be the only person that I looked to as a guide into a man’s world. If she had let me explore on my own, and learn that my Dad was a loser by myself, then perhaps life would have been different for me. Who knows?
Let our kids be themselves!
Funny, how much alike our upbringings were @raymondspeaks.
I was largely raised by my mother, and my father was a womanizing rage-aholic. I was taught anger was "bad" and shown the example of my father roaring like a volcano and throwing things and breaking chairs. I was taught that "all men" were useless wretches who only thought with their "little brains," and to not grow up to be such an embarrassment to the human race. I was taught to cook, clean, mend clothes, be gentlemanly... and essentially be an excellent "wallet with legs." And she tried to teach me how to "look attractive to social climbing gold diggers," but failed miserably at that one because I chose to go off and become a recluse.
When I left home at 18, I pretty much had to develop an identity of my own. from scratch. And that was not easy. Much like you, I struggled with conflict and most of my platonic friends were women... because men seemed like "crude loose cannons" to me, and I could not relate.
It was actually many years (I'm mid-50's) before I learned some things about my parents.
My dad was not an angry hellraiser; he became quite happily married and peaceful with this later girlfriend. My mother was a manipulative micromanager who felt entitled to have everyone in the world treat her like a princess... without ever giving anything in return. In her second marriage I think she got precisely what she was looking for-- an "arrangement" that gave her status and influence, while lacking completely in human emotion and connection.
To this day, I continue to "repair" some of the damage done, but it has all become a somewhat distant memory, as both my parents are now dead.
We have three adult kids now, and I'm happy to say they are pretty well-adjusted individuals, in spite of the fact that my wife endured her own set of horrors.
Thanks for a thoughtful and very genuine post!
That was a lovely bit of insight there dude. I don't write much about my Mum because she's sensitive and after all, she was the one that poured her heart and soul into raising me. Yet that's not to say she wasn't without her whacking great faults - maybe I'll divulge those when she's pushing up the daises. I love my Mum dearly though, and I can't imagine a scenario like yours - My Mum, all of my friends Mums, and every Mum that I've ever known has been awesome. I'm quite lucky in the sense that at least 75% of the women I've known on a personal level have been amazing.
It's really lovely to hear you telling your story to the world. I think experience and perspective is everything. People forget that sometimes.
super post and very well writing dear bro @rqaymondspeaks i like your post all time
Friend! You are killing it today. That is the 2nd great post from you today. I really enjoy reading your work!
Thank you :)
I love this! Negative emotions are natural!
They so are :)
I’m a mother of an 8 month old son, and I think that this post will stick in my head for years to come. The way you do things with your child, even if you think they’re too young to understand, it’s actually shaping who they’re going to be as an adult, just like you’ve proven. I totally agree that telling them off in the moment may make them feel that emotions are wrong to express. It’s our job to guide them into expressing those feelings the right way! Not shut them down.
Great job on the post.
Thank you! So true :)
Probably your mom was of the opinion prevention is better than cure.
She was - but the prevention of emotions is bad. It leads to pent up emotions.