If you're like me and have spent most of your life bowing to people’s needs then STOP! It's about time you served yourself some wake-the-fuck-up justice. You aren't doing yourself or anyone else around you any good by letting people walk all over you, after all, you want some respect in your life, right? Yes! I thought so. Here are a few sure-fire ways to gain confidence rapidly.

You are better than your peers

Firstly, surround yourself amongst weak-minded losers. Nothing says I'm the king of the hill than positioning yourself at the head spot in a dynamic of arched-back limp-wristed nobodies. They'll never question your superiority or better judgement like others have done in the past. You'll always be looked up to, and asked questions like you're the sear of all knowledge. If one of them dares to oust you off that top spot then isolate them from the group. Can't have anyone trying to better themselves now, that can't happen in your dynamic.

Pick up that Whisky bottle and never let go of it. Magic confidence all day around. You'll be shoving your balls on the presidents table and telling HIM what to do in no time. If there comes a time when you may be exposed to sobriety and made to face actual reality, make sure you keep a few bottles of gin hidden away for safe keeping if there comes such a time. Can't be facing up to life’s problems now, that shit is for boring sober people.

Buy yourself a Lambo and drive it up and down town until you have a gaggle of screamy women at your tail. Nothing says I have a HUGE willy better than driving a new sports car up and down your quiet street. Make sure you keep lots of pictures of you and your children to make those women moister than your bathroom on a hot day; just for fuck sake don't tell them that your knew Lambo means that you can't afford child maintenance payments for the next 100 years, and that you're hiding from the ex. That's for when you have them ensnared, you know they'll find out anyway.

Money = BIG balls

Make a BIG show of how much money you have, tell people constantly, remind them of it, make sure they know you are better than them because they have a small bank balance. That will make you feel AWESOME and it will definitely keep people’s eyes diverted from the real truth. Can't have people thinking that you're just a little loser, or at best like everyone else. You're better anyway, make sure you convince yourself of that.

Shower your kids with presents when you see them, then that way they'll never notice when you only visit them once a year. Their big smiles on the day when you present them with the top model of whatever they like will make them forget about the lonely days without you, or watching the main parent cry feeblishly when you haven't made your last 10 payments.

Team sports is for winning!

Support a team. Nothing gives you bigger balls than waving your teams flag singing "we are better than you" even if your team is at the bottom league in the bottom division. That shouldn't matter. All that should matter is that you feel that you belong to something and you are the best at everything, no matter how many times you are beaten. Punch and kick or shout at anyone that tells you otherwise. That will show people how fucking awesome you are.

Be right on the internet. Nothing says I am a fucking winner than expressing yourself on the internet and slaying anyone that tells you otherwise. Screw them, they are just a bunch of hippy assed / racist / loony lefty / righty / sexist wankers. You are right and always will be. It's not nice to correct your dominion of knowledge. Don't stop there though, tell people when they are wrong because their feelings don't correlate with your version of reality, and yours is pure, so they must be smudged out!

Be an absolute cock

And last but not least, be a dick! Nothing says I'm no longer a people pleaser than being an arsehole to nearly everyone that you come across. Being nice and saying yes was for a time in your life long gone, people may not like aggressive arrogant wankers, but that's their problem. They should toughen up a bit, life is dog eat dog, there's no room for 'just getting along'.

Hope you enjoyed that haha.

Thanks for reading :)