Things I Didn't Expect Before I Became a Father

No Sleep

I expected some loss of sleep, but for the first 3 months or so after our daughter was born (our first child), I only got between one and three hours of sleep at any one time. And that three hours was such a precious rarity that I couldn't be said to have had it more than once or twice a week. She wasn't much of a sleeper and she was colicky. She also had some pretty good pipes on her, so nobody in the house slept if she was awake, especially if it was at night when she was crankier than normal.

I lost 20 lbs during that time. Unlike most people, I have a problem keeping weight on, not keeping it off. I have a light build and when I'm stressed and low on sleep, I lose weight in spite of eating voraciously. Since I'm often bordering on underweight for my height (160 lbs at 6 ft tall), losing 20 lbs is kind of alarming for me. Below is a picture of me holding my daughter during that time. I think I look like an exhausted and starving homeless person that somebody cleaned up and shoved a baby into his arms. To this day, three years later, I still don’t get a full night’s sleep most nights, but it has gotten better.

Credit: Photo taken by my wife using my Moto X.

Hygiene, Personal Grooming and Privacy Become Optional

I used to take it for granted that I would at least have time to brush my teeth every morning no matter how late I woke up or how busy my life became. Once I had to take care of an infant, this teeth-brushing thing, along with showering, using the toilet in privacy, haircuts, shaving, etc.; these were all luxuries that were nice to have if I could afford the time. Many days I got none of the above. When you have a high needs infant to attend to, they literally can’t be left alone for more than 30 seconds or they go full DEFCON 1. For those of you who have never taken care of a baby, your own infant crying is the most anxiety inducing sound you will ever hear. If you hear that noise, you will do anything in your power to make it stop. This means holding your baby while you sit on the toilet and do number two. Then you use a diaper wipe to clean your hands because, how the heck do you wash your hands when you’re holding a baby in one of your arms? Then you use one on your armpits because you probably haven’t showered for two days.

Drop in Testosterone

Most people don't know this, but when you get married, as a man your testosterone levels drop precipitously. Likewise, when you have kids, especially if you spend a lot of time with them like I do, you lose even more of your testosterone. This testosterone loss is coupled with an intense increase in your work ethic. Married men who have children are much more productive and stable on average than men who aren't, and they become better caretakers with less tendency toward aggressive behavior. You suddenly become a docile mule with the singular purpose of getting resources for your family at the expense of your former stallion looking to establish his dominance and spread his wild oats.

As part of this you seemingly pull energy out of nowhere to do all of the things that you need to get done. Normally this biological change is used by men to get more resources for the family, but in my case I dedicated most of it to taking care of our baby girl, and now our baby boy along with her. I find myself more emotionally connected, not just to my children, but to my wife and the other people around me. Likewise my ability to burn the candle from both ends has increased manifold. This candle has just simply gotten much longer.

How Much You Don't Care About the Inconveniences

When I was younger and had no family of my own, I used to marvel at the seemingly endless well of energy that some of the men and women in my family demonstrated with nary a complaint. I couldn't figure out how my dad or my uncle found the energy to work full time jobs while each of them ran two small businesses on the side, all while still having some semblance of a family and social life. Equally as legendary were my mother and aunt who supported them in their endeavors while caring for their children, keeping the house and running the family finances, among other things. None of them ever seemed to get tired and they never seemed to be getting any sleep. It's just astonishing to witness if you haven't done it yourself.

Now I finally understand how they did it. When you have children to care for, and you're at least a halfway decent and caring human being, you don't see failure in your obligations to your children and your spouse as an option. Biology takes over and there's not even any room in your state of being for not doing your job. You just get it done, and you always find a way. The crazy thing about it is that it makes you happy, or at least it does with me. I was so miserably short on sleep and underweight when my daughter was an infant, but I couldn't even imagine wanting to do anything else at the time. It was all I could think about doing.

When we bought our house a couple years back, I would care for our daughter all day while my wife was away at work, eat dinner quick when she got home, then go outside and set up lights to work on projects around our new-to-us-fixer-upper that needed immediate attention, well into the night. Then I would get up the next day and do it all over again after having spotty sleep all night. My life has been one or another continuous version of this scenario ever since our daughter was born. Since we decided to have one of us stay home with the children full time, the resultant single income prevents us from hiring out handy work. So now I am become the family carpenter, landscaper, mechanic and even sometimes engineer, in addition to primary caretaker.

Would I Do It All Over Again?

I've painted quite the rosy picture so far, haven't I? If I had the decision to take it all back or do it again, would I do it again? The answer is: Hell yes I would. And I have enthusiastically done so at that. As evidence, our next edition is now four months old. Lucky for us he likes to sleep sometimes, especially at night.

Credit: Photo taken by Leon Lapp using my Canon T2i @king_of_leons on Instagram

As you can tell from the above, parenting is no walk in the park and it is not for the faint of heart, but that doesn't matter to me at this point. Before I had my own family I had this feeling of listlessness that would continuously plague me. I often struggled to get out of bed in the morning, and I would find myself struggling to stay focused on work. I was a procrastinator and I often felt like I was just going through the motions. I even plunged into deep depression several times during my 20’s. Save for some rare occasions, I couldn't say that I was particularly happy with my life, and I couldn't quite pin down why.

Now that I have a family, I don't exactly have a halo of euphoria floating over my head all of the time, but I'm certainly not standing around ringing my hands over what I should be doing. It’s not so much fun as it is deeply satisfying to do this kind of work. If I need to get something done, even something unenjoyable like cleaning the toilets or mowing the lawn, I feel compelled to do so with so much force that any misgivings about the task evaporate immediately. I just do it as quickly as possible and move on to the next task. When I get it done, I feel a satiation that I never experienced in my earlier life. Back then I was usually doing someone else's tasks while being paid the bare minimum they would spare to keep me from going to work for one of their competitors. That was deeply unsatisfying for me. Now I work towards my own ends, and I have not just a tolerance for it, I find it to be the most challenging and rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I am happy and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.