How to listen so your partner feels heard, seen & understood (Part 1 of 3)
"We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak." (Epictetus)
What does it mean to Listen?
Our ears are programmed to function 24h, even in our sleep. That’s how we hear the alarm clock in the morning, even in the deepest sleep.
But does this mean are we actively listening 24/7? Nope, and we wouldn’t even want it.
Besides, most of the time we are lost in our heads. In that space between our ears, listening to the voices there and not hearing anything from the outside world.
Because almost all of are listening all the time to the “voices in our head” (pardon my french 🙂 )
How to listen
Leaving the joke aside, the first step to Truly, Really Listening is to silence these voices in Your head.
Yes. That’s it. It’s that simple. And as difficult to achieve for most of us.
Because we can’t stand the silence, we can’t stand the apparent “emptiness”.
So what do we do instead? We chatter constantly, we are quick to judge and to give advice, to show how competent and helpful we can be.
But in the mean time we ignore the person who is revealing herself. We don’t Really listen to Her, we listen to bits and pieces enough to give us food for what we want to say next.
How I Became Passionate About True Listening
My passion for true listening was born in my childhood. And it was born out of a mix of frustration, fear, anger and so many other negative feelings that were tormenting me while I was forced – because of the physical proximity – to listen to my parents fighting in the other room.
So, I didn’t have a “how-to” but a “how-NOT-to” model on listening and communicating. I feel this happened to me just like in the zen teachings about the lotus flower that grows out of the mud.
For many years I was in the dark. Although I had that “negative” model, the one that I swore never-ever-to-repeat in my life, guess what happened? I’ve found myself repeating in my relationships exactly the same patterns I’ve seen and observed in my family, although consciously I was trying to get as far as I could from them. Very. Very. Frustrating.
Then I began my (conscious) personal development trip: college studies in communication and psychology, books, psychologists, workshops, movies, retreats…whatever I thought it could help me, I would give it a try. I am still on this road, that I guess it would end only when I will be six feet under 😉
The difference I see now, as compared to the beginnings, is that the more I solve my “shit” the more I enjoy the road. Less drama queen – more enjoyment, less confusion and frustration – more maturity in my communication skills. It’s an ongoing emotional and intellectual roller-coaster, but I feel like the “downs” are less dramatic and the “highs” are more often.
The One Thing That Makes The Difference In Conflict Resolution
Probably there is no one family in this world who didn’t have her fair share of conflicts, fighting and debating.
Conflicts are natural, healthy processes, that arise when there is more than one person living or working in the same space and time. We are all unique and have different needs, so until we find harmonious ways to satisfy everyone’s needs, there will be conflicts.
However, the way we manage the conflicts makes the whole difference in between endless and pointless fighting and mature and conscious conflict management and resolution, one that will lead to a more honest, and stronger relationship.
And The One Element that makes the difference is Your ability to really, truly listen.
In the next post from this mini-series I'll share the first two of the 4 tips & false friends of active listening.
This post is part of an article originally published on BeingRaluca
I'm a psychologist, intuitive coach, blogger and vlogger. You can find me mainly on my blog at www. beingraluca.com where I write about communication, relationships, listening and sexuality. Here on Steemit you may stay updated by following me @raluca.
