Page 6-7 - Foreigner in my own country. - Draft - (Literature/story)

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Surrender? It is not the solution, after that lady. After that nervous breakdown. "If someone hurts you, you have two options, improve or self-destruct. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, doesn't it? .
. "If they tell you you're crazy, you're on the right track." . "A man may sin of madness, but not of idiot." . That girl. . After spending endless hours at home, thinking, reading and writing. Inside me, a conflict arose, like the daily conflicts in Caracas; reflected in the soul waging a constant war, battle after battle I lost, despite 1000 defeats, I had forgotten something important. It was only simple battles, the war still existed and the important thing is to end it completely, so the battles would end. . Yes, he had abandoned me, the spirits were in the subsoil, my zombie gaze confirms it, and it is reaffirmed by my attitude of the living dead who walked in life like any animal, sleeping, eating, fornication, calls from nature. Even so, inside my spirit was excited, desirous of wanting revenge, anxious for the uncertain future. I had understood, success is more than a stroke of luck, it is the persistence of thousands of hits, the previous punches used to call them failure. . In Caracas I am happy, the majestic mountain named Avila or Waraira Repano. In the morning of my sweet abode, in the window I could peep out daily no matter what time it happened, time of day, or time of year. You looked out and breathed the warm or cold wind brushing your cheeks, immense mountain, as immense as the amount of caraqueños, the sunsets, albas, or the quiet evening are a real spectacle. Surely exaggerated, living all my life here affected me. . Seriously it is marvelous, waking up before 6 a.m. or the times that I woke up I would go straight to the window to breathe from my eyes such a refreshing landscape, if the morning sky of Caracas were a woman I would ask her for marriage even if it were only an ephemeral romance of few hours, to divorce us for the following day to marry again, reddish, purple, orange, or clear totally blue that seemed the sea of the Guaira, murmurs of clouds sometimes thicker and of thick characteristics like cotton are walked. . Nietzsche said: "He who fights with monsters must be careful not to become a monster. And if you look very much at an abyss, the abyss will conclude by looking inside you". Nietzsche. . So if I live with angels I am blessed because soon I will be an archangel. And if I observe heaven much, heaven will conclude by looking within me. . Not everything was pink, there are black roses. From time to time it is heard from near or far, the blood iron of firearms resound at night, panic spread for a long time, fearing curiosity What will happen? Worse if some family member had not returned home with you, a refuge from the dark side that reigns in an anonymous and indiscreet city. The day by day that I accept... But... . What was I going to do? Leave? Look for new land? . If your mother suffered from cancer, would you abandon her? Of course not, these are the moments you should accompany, support and love the most. This is how my motherland suffered, between brothers we murdered each other, malice ran through our veins, the atmosphere became tense, I could feel it with my ability to read people and perceive their aura, in my countrymen also deliberate terrible battles, because they were full of stress, without being kind, they become enraged in self-absorption, or was it me who imagines such atrocities? I don't think so, lack of self-love, for your land and inhabitants. .
. This has only one clear definition in one word: Endophobia. Rejection by the social group you belong to, hatred by those you share similar traits, where you were born and grew up. . Dialogue between madmen. . Hunger strongly affects psychology, it drives anyone crazy. The game of life had been squeezed, a psychological game, a game of terror. Now I call them proofs, life puts us to the test, dammit what proofs! Friends in other lands, to be exact three. USA, Peru, Argentina. Some suffered from terrible depressions, visited various psychologists and psychiatrists, recommended me to visit some, I had even decided to go. . Fortunately I managed to get out of the hole with my insistent stubbornness, I am a new man, I feel young, but with more experience. From time to time I get the desire to repeat my adolescence with this mentality, to squeeze the juice, the juice completely, thus savoring the exquisite of every second. That is what I have learned here in Venezuela, to live. To live my own life and not give the luxury to the rest, I tell it with a smile on my face. . Would you like to know what thoughts are hidden in my mind? What battles? Reflections? . Not everything is bad, without pain there is no transformation. Happiness is learned as a way of life. . How to kiss is learned and improved. How to write, I'm wrong and I learn. . Welcome to my deepest memories. .
. As time goes by I realize the importance of constancy. And more relevant is persistence, the difference is the desire you invest, persist. Even to say the word you need strength in the voice, it's something we can understand at first. . But understanding is not everything. We can understand matters of life, like a football game, a chess match, the problems of the rest of the people, from outside things are like "easy", it still complicates the matter if we observe the professionals because that level of quality does not make it anyone, it takes years and years of practice, they are so good in their vocation that we create the illusion of being very "easy". . It is the distance that separates understanding and learning. Trial and error, experiment, fail to achieve success, materialize the idea that you have about life, when we talk about facts, and I insist "speak", I imagine you have remembered the phrase: "Facts are those that speak" It would be great to learn things the first time, with listening carefully to words, perhaps some not as rebellious as certain people (me), are not so stubborn and manage to follow "advice to get old. Anyway, the practice is still needed. I have reflected deeply from above and below, left right, inverse, front, back, scientifically and in the art of the romance of verses. . ¡Eureka! . I have found an interesting conclusion, life is a language of the universe and we translate it when we live, we speak in facts, therefore, if we stay on the mental margins, illusions, fantasies, dreams. We deform the great human capacity that separates us from animals and ascends us in the evolutionary chain. I merely sum them up, in a word. . Act. . To be able to make a decision manually and not automatically as animals inevitably do. According to Fernado Savater's book "the courage to choose". Acting is something unique to human beings, because it needs reason, wisdom, reflection, whether the options are limited or only one decision can be made. As he explains it well, he places as example: You are above a ship of pirates, they force you to jump to the sea with sharks or if not they themselves are in charge of killing you with the arsenal of swords that they possess in their hands; he comes to clarify that the reflexes is not equal to act, unconscious reactions thanks to our mechanism of survival, wild instinct, of primitive animal. . Here we are referring to the capacity to exercise freedom, which you describe very well in your book; a phrase that caught my attention: "Man is condemned to be free" It is by the French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre. Inevitably, freedom is the ability to choose; it is the key point of ethics, to decide between good and evil. This great writer is brilliant as he walks through enormous concepts, acting, freedom, ethics, etc... . Well, excuse me if I've left the subject, the starting point starts with the word constancy, then persistence, until I develop in acting, freedom and ethics. It's not a mere one-night stand, it's my whole life, my 23 years aging these thoughts. In addition, I had gone through philosophies such as nihilism, the irony is that I understood it recently, I was aware of existential nihilism, in the downturns that I appease depression, it helped me to elucidate the purpose of life, if nothing has meaning? . We invented everything like imagination, walking through these melancholic thoughts, I was transforming myself, I had surrendered to the sin of laziness, completely bored and not stopping at the deep end I decided to dig in the subsoil of my pessimistic state, losing more than I was. But life does not stop until it is your hour, though many advance the hour of their clock. To stand by and do nothing? No, nihilism may be possible, that nothing makes sense, but I don't accept it. No, no and no. .

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