How To Win At Drinking. (Or at least not lose so badly.)

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I’ve had my fair share of hangovers.

More than my fair share, probably. I’m not trying to be greedy—I’d be happy to spread the hangover joy around and share a few of them. I’d be quite happy, in fact, to never have a hangover again. But the only sure-fire way to avoid a “morning after” is to never ever have a “night before.” And that doesn’t seem entirely realistic for a drinks writer/bar researcher. Hangovers are kind of an occupational hazard.

Don’t get me wrong: I do try. My mantra, of late, at least, has been moderation. But, on those nights I might get a little too enthusiastic with my “research,” I’ve developed a harm reduction strategy for minimizing/getting rid of hangovers. I’m going to share my findings here, in the hope that I can save people the hassle and humiliation of trying the many old wives tales and new-fangled cure-alls that range from eating bull testicles or putting a lime in your armpit to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Mercy hangover helper drink.

First off, as far as I can tell, there are three types of hangovers and it’s crucial to identify which in what I’m going to call The Katzenjammer Taxonomy. (Katzenjammer is a German word for hangover that became popular in America a century ago by way of a comic strip called the “Katzenjammer Kids”.)

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So, while all hangovers are a result of drinking, the alcohol can have a wide range of effects on the body, producing different symptoms. Thanks to new research conducted by the Alcoholic Hangover Research Group (yes, really – and they have serious credentials), we finally know that there are three main problems involved in hangovers: sleep deprivation, dehydration and inflammation. You may have one, two or all three.

Nauseous? Dizzy? Is the room spinning? Then you’re likely suffering from dehydration and electrolyte imbalance caused by alcohol’s diuretic effects, the most commonly known problem associated with hangovers. Obviously, a glass of water per drink is a good rule to follow and, if that fails and the next day still hurts, you might follow those who swear by Gatorade and coconut water to “re-hydrate” the body, since both are rich in some of the electrolytes our body needs. But these are hardly the only ways (or even best, given the sugar in some products) to replenish the magnesium, sodium and potassium that you flushed down the toilet the night before. You can probably do just as well with water and a balanced breakfast, including a potassium-rich banana.

Sometimes I feel I need a little more than what a banana can provide and, as such, I take potassium and calcium-magnesium supplements. If I’ve had more than three drinks, I’ll try to remember to take them before I go to bed. These aren’t the only essentials that might be depleted, either. Alcohol is notoriously hard on the stomach and that can make it difficult for our bodies to absorb the vital B vitamins that we need to combat fatigue and, well … to live. The most common morning-after supplements have vitamins C and B, specifically, B6, B12 and folic acid. I’m also a big fan of Berocca (the British version that is free of artificial sweeteners) since it’s tasty, delightfully bubbly and chock-full of the B vitamins that a person with pernicious anemia needs.

For the high rollers in big cities, there’s a service that trumps Berocca. There are services offered that will pick up sick and self-injured hangover victims from their hotel rooms in a bus and, en route to the clinic, start the intravenous drip of saline, minerals and vitamins they claim will alleviate a hangover in an hour. I’ve never tried the “Party Drip,” but I can see why it would be tempting, on a short vacation, to try to salvage a day. That said, I believe the medical community is concerned about this service, so I certainly wouldn’t recommend it to anybody else.

I would, on the other hand, recommend a second helping of scrambled eggs at the brunch buffet table, since the cysteine in eggs can give the liver a boost in its struggle to help process alcohol’s toxic by-product, acetaldehyde. In battling acetaldehyde, the body burns through its stores of glutathione, which we can replenish by eating fruits and vegetables, organ meats and cysteine-rich eggs. Any style.

Here, we’re verging on the second type of hangover, since the processing of toxins is what’s responsible for the pain that sometimes comes with hangovers. If your head is pounding, this is almost certainly not going to be helped by replenishing lost electrolytes, given that the pain is usually caused by inflammation. The best cure for this is a simple anti-inflammatory like ibuprofen. I take two before I go to bed on nights when I’ve over-indulged. And I’m certain this has made my mornings significantly better—in some cases, actually eliminated hangovers. Of course, the very fact that I can remember to take ibuprofen, potassium and B12 before I go to bed indicates I still had some presence of mind. The really crippling hangovers tend to follow nights that ended with no water, no pills, no clear memory and, possibly, no dignity.

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I’ve also done better since I’ve realized another rule of the hangover: You Are What You Drink. While drinking moderately (or not at all) is the best way to prevent a hangover, new research has confirmed that some drinks are worse than others, a fact that will hardly surprise the many who don’t trust red wine or have been victims, in the past (likely in college), of the “Bad Tequila Experience.” Some liquors (notably tequila and red wine) have more congeners (impurities like fusel oils, esters and aldehydes) than others and have been shown to lead to worse hangovers.

When it comes to spirits, liquor that has been through multiple distillations have fewer impurities that will aggravate inflammation. A dark, rich, pot-stilled rum from Jamaica, for example, will have more congeners than a light, column-stilled rum from Puerto Rico. Multi-distilled vodkas and gins typically have fewer congeners than tequilas, bourbons and brandies—especially Armagnac, which is usually only distilled once. Unfortunately, the things that are being filtered out are also what give alcohol much of its flavour, so you’re sacrificing taste for the promise of a clear head the following day. The stronger the flavour, the more likely it is to hurt, be it red wine, tequila or the rich and hoppy craft beers that have taken the brewpubs by storm.

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There’s still one factor people frequently ignore in the tale of the hangover, namely, the role of sleep. The Alcoholic Hangover Research Group points out that drinking, which, for most of us, generally takes place in the evenings, is often a trade-off for sleeping. Even if the next day isn’t a school day, many of us can’t help but get up at the normal time and, as such, we’ve sacrificed sleep. This results in fatigue, obviously, but also memory and cognitive impairment. We’re also way more likely to eat sugary and calorie-rich foods, since we compensate for a lack of energy by over-eating. If that food happens to be greasy, it might irritate the stomach all the more, leading to a day of tricky digestion and, possibly, reduced vitamin and mineral absorption.

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There is one more type of hangover that should be added to the Katzenjammer Taxonomy, a fourth one, that the Alcoholic Hangover Research Group doesn’t adequately deal with, namely, the emotional hangover. British writer and prolific drinker Kingsley Amis called it the “metaphysical hangover” which he described as a “compound of depression, sadness … anxiety (and) fear of the future.” Amis offers reading suggestions, music suggestions and the advice that you should keep reminding yourself that it’s just a hangover. Good advice, since the whole world probably isn’t talking about what an ass you made of yourself the night before.

Which is probably because they’re too busy trying to remember what silly things they did. And swearing off the drink forever. Or at least until the holiday season kicks into full swing.

Oh well. There’s always January.

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