Who is the guy behind the pig avatar? Dealing with anxiety and Self-acceptance.

Hello Steemit

I honestly don't know why I decided to write about this , lately writing has been in general a release for me, even a little more than music . Don't know why .. but I'll just follow my instinct. I've never been too much an open book when sharing personal stuff but I've been trying to change that little by little, we can't be forever on our island .. so .. why not just write about it? Is this inspirational? No, not really .. it's just some of my life experiences and why I am where I am now.. maybe the fact that I'm turning 30 next month has me thinking a bit more than usual "What have I done up until this point?''. So .. expect some rambling.. hahaha.

So, my name is Jose Mena and I was born in Guayaquil, Ecuador. I always joke that I came in a defective body model since I was born as a very sick child , I had my kidneys collapse when I was 1 year old by a weird strain of the E.coli bacteria. With no kidneys functioning, I basically got poisoned by my own body. After many months of traditional medical treatment and pretty much living in constant sickness the doctors gave up on me , told my mother I had a couple months to live and sent me home.. my body was severely intoxicated and there was nothing they knew what to do, at least for that time and in my city, there was no found cure.

My mother, who has a willpower I haven't seen in any other person, resorted to alternative medicine and by things I don't think have too much explanation I made it through, the infection was gone and my kidneys worked again. I guess I just had a second chance in life... ( I really have no memories at all of this .. I think my head blocked them all completely .. or I was too young .. but this is what I got told over and over by my family ).

This battle of course had consequences on my body, my bones were weakened, I developed many allergies and doctors told my mother I was either going to experience growth problems or have some sort of retardation ( now it's a common joke in the family that I had both... hehehehe) . Of course , emotionally this also had impact on me.. as I was a very sad , upset and lonely kid ... The world annoyed me .. In fact I could not stand anyone laughing at or with me.. I would get furious and vomit of the anger.. @meno can confirm this.. I still don't know how my family never gave me away.. hahaha.

I don't think there is a single picture of me smiling in this era...

So , after I while it clicked that just smiling back was a better solution for a joke and I ended up liking it hahaha.. talk about slow learning! and I became a lot more easy going .. Also at this point I didn't care that my teeth were all in really bad shape.. yes..talking about all the calcium lost when I was younger .. it showed in my teeth , they fell off and broke easily, visits to the dentist were quite regular.. also I had started some growth treatment that made me gain a lot of weight as a child , I was a very chubby kid.

Me on the back sporting my Colgate smile and also starting to gain weight.

Then self consciousness kicked in and I started to be very uncomfortable with myself , I had gotten braces and my teeth kept breaking, was overweight, also I started wearing glasses since we discovered that my sight was bad hahaha.. ''why me?'' I think I erased every single picture in existence from this time ( Yes.. stupid.. but I guess mom has a couple in the ''old family albums'' ). Also .. I began to question everything.. I stopped accepting things being imposed to me ''just because''.. Oh boy.. the teenage years were coming...

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Going back a little and as a side-note .. I've always thought of the education system in Ecuador as being very ''one layered'' , meaning to fail to see a little further of what might look obvious .. As a personal experience , I never managed to properly grab a pen/pencil and was put aside to special classes to work on my motricity , also cutting paper with scissors and such.. finding out years later that I'm ''quite'' left handed. I eat as a lefty , I tend to grab things with my left hand and I am also left footed , I lead with my left foot and also control my guitar pedals with it... I was just forced into using my right hand to write ''just because'' and most of my ''work activities'' I do as a right-handed ( like writing, using the computer , scissors, i even play guitar right handed.. ) but I'm a lefty in everything else..... Being stupidly stubborn in learning how to write I just kept insisting on using my right hand.. I still wonder why no one asked ''Why don't you try with the other?" I still don't grab a pen correctly.. hahaha...

I was exposed to art as a child, my mom being a painter I kind of followed her as a kid and painting was my way of expression during all my childhood years , I loved painting nature, animals and sometimes free formed and abstract pictures, most of those paintings are now hanging in my mom's house. Also, I always loved to listen to music and I particularly loved a ''The Police'' record from my mom's collection.. I think it was a Greatest Hits compilation and I played it over and over while she joked that Sting was secretly my real father .. LOL.

Music came second, as I wanted to learn how to play like my brother.. but since I wasn't able to compete with him.. I enrolled in the conservatory to learn classical guitar .. an area I knew he lacked in hehehe.. competitive brother.. but ended up taking the electric guitar as my main choice later on.. I would study Bach at school and blast Megadeth records at home.. I loved the technical challenge that Metal offered.. so there I went to learn Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Pantera and later on prog bands like Dream Theater and Symphony X ... So I spent many of my teenage gears just sitting and shedding riffs and solos on my room.

(end of sidenote)

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I was quite a bit rebellious as a teenager .. not the ''stereotypical'' rebel.. but I was against many of the things that were imposed to me , school imposed what was ''right or wrong'' , and teachers ''were always right'' , even when they contradicted themselves.. oh .. this ticked me.. the amount of times I got into debates with the teachers.. I was the smart ass.. never disrespectful.. but yes.. very cocky. I was changed from school 6 times because I wasn't able to adapt, always getting accepted because I had very high grades.. school subjects were just memory exercises and I wanted to understand.. this led me to trouble quite a few times.

I was allowed to bring my guitar on the last school I attended , they were very music friendly and that's were a particular music teacher ''discovered me'' .. playing on the school recess.. that's all I would do.. sit with a guitar and practice.. He also got us.. along some classmates, our first gig.. all of us became professional musicians afterwards.. talk about a life changing experience!

Playing at Radio WQ - Guayaquil, Ecuador

So, I experienced live playing and fell in love with it and thought to myself ''that's what I want to do'' stage life was very exciting and nerve wrecking , but at this point I started getting into another self-destructive behavior , I became bulimic and that led me to anorexia. At first it was unnoticeable and it just looked like I was losing weight and ''looking great'' , my mind was still sharp , I was playing and also writing . When I was younger I wrote a small fantasy story in which the main character was the hero I wanted to be.. he even had my name ..hahaha but now I also started writing occasionally for the school's newspaper , I even got an article published once where I talked about ''the exodus of intelligence'' , I got a prize for it even.. but well.. that's for another story .. and was invited to give a graduation speech that year.. my speech was.. quite satirical.. and a little controversial.. people laughed and it was ''accepted'' as ''cool'' but I was never invited to give a speech again ..hahaha! But , a couple more months down the road.. the wear started to show , my eyes were tired , my mind was slower.. and I also started falling into depression.

The wear started showing on my face

Also, around this time I experienced what I would call My first anxiety attack , I don't know if thats a term but for those who have not experienced this just imagine as if someone pressed his thumb on your lower chest and pushed it in with all his strength , it cuts your breath , it paralyzes you and in some cases it actually is painful. This was the alarm of many more to come...

So.. school was over... I was depressed and was expected to take up on a ''serious career'' by my father.. I was not being able to focus and I ended up dropping college twice before saying ''I want music to be my career , and that's it'' , the image where I walked out of the college campus saying ''I'm not entering this place again , ever'' is still very vivid in my head. This actually led my father to not talking to me but I had my new resolve .. I was going to ''make it as a musician''.

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The doors as a musician did not open , I knocked on every door possible to be rejected over and over.. actually the break came in as an actor... (what?) Since some castings were open and I really had nothing else to do at this point.. I started attending those until I landed a small role on a juvenile movie.. I literally said 2 words but since the producers knew I was a musician I somehow made my way in to recording a couple vocals for the movie's soundtracks. It was cool but it was small... then that led to a next phone call , and the next and the next. I was in a music video , did a couple more roles in some films , etc. It was becoming a regular thing. I was ok with it.. not thrilled but it kept me busy..

I got granted an interview with the owner of Borkis Entertainment, the biggest production company in the country as the kid who was starting to make a move in the local scene , eventually he offered me a place in a band of a new artist he was about to promote... this artist was Daniel Beta , who later on became one of the most important artists in the country. Ironically , I was offered a spot in his band because of my small notoriety as an actor .. LIFE

So then it happened:

The big break thru .. and what my brother shared at MSP on his show ( traitor.. hahaha ) I got casted as the lead character for High School Musical : Troy ( yes.. the Ecuadorian version ) and I also landed the gig as the guitar player for the most popular artist in the country.. they both happened at once.I was in magazine covers and also touring the country as a guitar player .. I was ''successful'' but my eating disorders and depression were still there , my dad was still not talking to me.. The anxiety attacks became frequent , I even had starting to scratch myself to the point of hurting... talk about being self destructive. I had to wear elevator shoes or lifts because I was too short for the role and on each photo session the makeup layers became thicker , they had to cover the mess of the state I was in.

In that photo I was probably in my worst state though It might not look like it... I had a nervous breakdown not much after that photo session.. It was Jose Miguel Salem , the director of the HSM show that suggested me to invite my dad to the premiere... so I did..

He came.. I gave my best performance that day and my father finally told me ''now I finally understand why you are doing this, I am proud of you''... That moment it clicked... this was the whole reason I was being so stubborn with this.. I just wanted to prove myself.. so , my reasons were wrong all along.. So, I had to stop. After the tour was over , for both projects... I quit.. and without much planning I came to Buenos Aires to pursue my music studies , a lot of things were left unresolved but I needed to escape.

After 4 years of studies, which I enjoyed tremendously, I was finally learning the craft that I loved. I stopped with my eating disorders too, it all became more balanced in my life. I went back to Ecuador and started touring again with many of the most important artists in the country, I was a very high in demand player, I also started producing and became somehow known for that too , I traveled quite a bit and also became the director for a very successful party band .. I was earning very good money ... and as a musician!

But as with everything left unresolved .. I started going down the same road I was before I left to Buenos Aires , the toxicity of it all.. got myself into a toxic circle , a toxic relationship and it eventually led me to another breakdown in the middle of 2016 .. the anxiety attacks were back.. I just couldn't do it anymore.. I hung up my guitar on a gig on December 31st of that year .. and said.. ''this is it... I can't do this anymore''.. I had to give up the stages for the art I loved , it was needed to keep my sanity.

Life got me back to Buenos Aires in 2017 .. and that was a year of self discovery , I got into writing again, composed many songs and lyrics that reflected all those experiences I had in previous year.. embraced a more ''regular'' lifestyle, cut ties with all the toxic people I had been talking with , I slowly embraced my instrument again and found joy in playing again , in creating , in discovering sounds .. also, the anxiety attacks stopped since that day.. I have never had one again... I am finally embracing some peace in that aspect of my life. Maybe I'm not that ''successful'' when it comes to a career or work.. but I'm definitely happier..isn't that what we are all after in the end?

I returned to the stages this 2018 with a different perspective.. I am finally enjoying to play , to express myself , to let go.. to be awkward on stage ... smile and let my art pour out.. which I feel is stronger than ever :). Also , I finally on boarded the project of releasing my own music professionally .. it's finally coming together.. and hopefully it should be out in the world in the next couple months :)

So , yes.. this small body of mine has taken quite a beating since day one... but it still stands strong.. and as long as my mind stays sharp.. I know I can always power thru any situation.. I did make quite a few mistakes along the road but as I am writing this.. If I was to go back in time.. I realize I probably wouldn't change anything, we are the result of our experiences and that is what makes us who we are today :)

Also, I took up the role of being a music teacher, and ironically I find a great joy in doing that.. and to the little smart asses that sometimes show up in my class I can tell them with confidence ''you have no idea who you are talking to...'' :D

If you got all the way thru here ! Thank you for reading my ramblings hehehe! also... since this type of posts were done to send a particular person to SteemFest... I'm going to donate this too towards that

Thanks for reading
Pechiche Mena