You Can't Go Home Again
Thomas Wolfe prophetically penned his amazing book warning of the inability to go back an relive your past. This wise wordsmith knew on a fundamental level that when we leave home behind we will never return to the same people, times, or feelings that that particular bubble in time held for us.
I am ending a week long training session tomorrow and then I am heading back to my hometown for the weekend. It is my grandmother's 80th birthday and relatives have sent word that they would appreciate my presence at her surprise birthday party. Although this is typically a joyous occasion, I am always full of dread when contemplating travelling back to my hometown. I left almost 10 years ago and I can count on one hand how many times I have returned.
This place holds dark days of regret and ominous clouds of a calloused past. I was a very different man when I lived there and the shadows of the buildings, the smell of pine in the air, the oppressive heat breathing on the exposed nape of my neck all work in a twisted conspiracy to throw that disheveled, empty shell of a man back into my face. Even the elements themselves refuse to relent and offer a respite for my past sins. In my heart, I know that people can change. I have crawled my way out of desolation and honestly attempted to be a just and good man, but my hometown will have none of it. The sidewalks whisper up to me in treacherous tones about falsehoods and disappointments I left in my dusty wake as I escaped this land barren of good and righteousness.
I will do my duty, I will travel back to that place of desolation. I will face my demons who wait with bated breath for my return like a long lost lover biding the time until the object of her affection returns. They wait to embrace me with familiar arms and knowing giggles. They want so desperately for me to be that man I have toiled to throw off my heavy, heavy laden shoulders. They may be the only ones who truly know the what I have hidden so deep within me, like a secret poem only I know the rhyme and reason to.
You can't go home again.....and honestly I would rejoice if this cruel penance would pass me by.
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All That Is Gold Does Not Glitter,
Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost
-Tolkien
A great post and timely with the Thomas Wolfe reference. I found you through the #payitforward contest. You were featured by @f3nix. Congratulations and all the best.
Like any good book, turn the page and write the next chapter. The past is behind you. Now, you can forge the future. It maybe hard to go back; you can temper your feelings by showing your new self. Good stuff. Thanks.
Thank you for the sincere comnent.
I totally get this @papacrusher! I've kinda' been going through something similar within my family. I left home when I was about 22 and only visited occasionally. I wished I had been there more often for a few in the family but it is what it is! I hope your grandmother has a lovely birthday!!
Thanks for the comment. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with my hometown. Geographically, it's amazing but people are the problem. I usually feel better if I sneak in and out without seeing anyone...lol
You're welcome!!
Wanted to let you know that I found your post from @f3nix's Entry Post to the Pay It Forward Curation Contest.
Awesome! Thank you so much for stopping by and for taking the time to comment.
I found you through your being featured in a post by @f3nix in the Pay it Forward challenge. I am glad I read your post, and have put you on my follow list. Your insights into the ghosts of the past/familiarity trying to force chains of the boy/man who was back onto you struck a chord with me. I hope that the reunion went better than you could have expected, and that you will have cause to return several more times to celebrate more birthdays for your grandmother.
Thank you so much for the meaningful comment, it is greatly appreciated! The trip was uneventful, thankfully. I enjoyed seeing some sights from the past and wolfing down some great fresh seafood.
I am sure your grandmother was excited to see you, and likewise I am sure she understands your absence for the last several years, Grandmothers are wise that way. Sometime we just imagine doom and gloom, and end up having a good time when we see that the past is the past and it will always be so.
I found your post via @f3nix entry into the "Pay it Forward" contest.
Thanks for the feedback. Grandmothers are definitely wiser than we give them credit for.
@f3nix featured you in the Pay It Forward curation contest week 7 . This is what brought me to your post
Awesome! Thanks for stopping by!
I too am a man who understands the dread of travels back to the place of yesteryear. I cut all ties when I removed myself from my childhood location and have never looked back. I never had any desire to return nor do I ever dwell on those times. This was a great read.
I found you through the #payitforward contest. You were featured by @f3nix
I got here late so I upvoted your 9mm Conversion Range post instead.
~ErodedThoughts
Thank you so much for the comment and support on the other post. The dread is like a dark storm cloud building in my belly until the trip is over. I did get some great seafood though...lol!