On Apology -- What it is and what it’s not.

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Everyone offends and has offended someone at some point in their lives. If you haven’t, then you must really be a saint. When we offend someone, the right thing is to apologize, the same way we would want an apology from someone if they offended us. I’ve come to realize that some people really don’t know how to apologize. What do I mean? In their attempt to apologize, they get it wrong that it just looks like there was no apology, so it’s as good as not apologizing. Others, in their bid to apologize, offend you even more by the wrong things they say. Sometimes, it seems this way because people don’t really want to admit they are wrong, so there is this ego in them preventing them from apologizing properly. Other times, it could be that they truly are clueless as to how they are apologizing wrongly. Most times, you can tell which is which.

What is an apology?

According to the Oxford dictionary, an apology is “a regretful acknowledgement of an offence or failure”. It’s that simple. Just an acknowledgement of an offence, a wrong doing. We do that by simply saying those magic words, “I’m sorry”. That simple.

Now how is it that people apologize yet it seems like they didn’t or they apologize and one gets offended even more? Yes it’s possible and let us take a look at these instances.

“I’m sorry if I offended you”

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Imagine you are talking with your friend and he/she says something offensive that immediately changes your mood or causes you to react. In his/her attempt to apologize, they say “I’m sorry if what I said offended you”. Really?? In my opinion, that’s not an apology. Let me confess, I am guilty of doing that too. I realized that someone will say, “I’m sorry if what I said offended you” rather than “I’m sorry what I said offended you because the person really doesn’t think that what they said or what they did is offensive, you probably are the one overreacting. So for it to not be a big deal, they apologize and when they do, they just got to add “if”.

Now even if the person is overreacting or quite sensitive to what you said or did, it’s how the person felt and the bottom line is he/she is offended and you caused that. So instead of “…if I offended you” because obviously, the person was offended (except you are not sure if the person is offended, because that’s possible), try “I’m sorry I offended you, I didn’t mean to do so…”

Giving excuses/explanations instead of actually apologizing

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Have you ever expected someone to apologize and instead of apologizing, they start giving excuses and telling stories, expecting it to click in your head that they are sorry or what happened was in fact not their fault? Well I have.

One time in school, I had histopathology practical. The lecturer (who was a visiting lecturer) specifically told us to be present at 7am for the practical. As diligent students, we went there early. I remember being late and I had to use drop to get there on time. Guess what? Brothers and sisters, we waited there for this lecturer until it was after 12pm. It wasn’t funny because we were under the sun as the laboratory attendant didn’t want us to enter the laboratory until the lecturer was present. Will you believe that when the lecturer came, he just gave us excuses and explanations as to why he came late. He spoke about traffic from Accra to Cape Coast and a few other things that I couldn’t care less to know. All I was doing was waiting for an apology. I got none, we all got none. I told my friend (also my course mate) that in all these talk, there was no apology, none. She just laughed.

You see, my lecturer never apologized, he just gave us excuses and tried to explain or justify why he came late. I’m pretty sure he expected us to understand and accept his unsaid apology. People do that. Instead of properly apologizing, they just assume you should understand the situation and not make it a big deal. What my lecturer could have done that would have saved us his 10 minutes of explanation was “Good day class. I’m sorry for keeping everyone waiting. There was massive traffic and a lot of things beyond my control”. It’s that simple and clear and it would have made us feel important, like we actually mean something.

Apologizing but bringing up your wrong at the same time, which may or may not be related

Some people get to apologize and they do it just right, but there’s always something that accompanies it. They tend to bring up your issue when it might not even be related. For example, you talk to someone about something they did. Now they apologize, but they also remind you of something you did few weeks or months ago that you might not have realized offended him/her. Then they demand an apology too. It’s true that if you offended the person you should apologize, at the same time, it just takes you by surprise.

I have experienced this before. I told someone what he did and he kind of apologized but then he started telling me things I had done that offended him and in my mind I was like “Wow! And you kept all that? Is that what made you behave the way you did in the first place? Why didn’t you tell me? You can hold all these things against me and still pretend to be friends, like we are alright?” Frankly, I just couldn’t deal with all that. Ever since then, my relationship with him changed because I couldn’t believe someone could feel this way about me and still be my friend, it was kind of like pretence. Let me say this now, If you value your relationship with someone (except you don’t), and they offend you, tell them. If you can’t tell them, let it go entirely.

Apologizing and guilt tripping you

I'm sorry, but you did the same thing...

There are those that apologize and make you feel bad at the same time. I have no idea how they do it but its just interesting how they are able to manipulate someone that way. I wish I could give an example but none comes to mind somehow, but I’m sure someone understands this.

There’s a lot “I’m sorry” or a proper apology can do, there’s a lot it can save us from. It’s no big deal. No one has ever died from apologizing to someone. If you wronged someone, apologize, especially if it’s someone you very much value.
Thank you.

Blog contributor: @nakas
Blog editor: @pangoli

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