Dealing with Betrayal

Betrayal has been in the nature of man since creation, from the beginning of time man has been backstabbing his most trusted colleague(s), why he is like that? No one knows, but one thing is for sure betrayal is all over the human race, from leaders to parents, teachers, siblings, couples, even oneself. Betrayal is a phenomenon the human race disgust, but despite our disgust at this ugly menace call betrayal, we somehow engage in the act. So today I want to shed a bit of light on the menace called betrayal, its genesis, why human beings find it hard to dislodge, its stage and form, how to stop one from betraying friends, how to deal with people known for betrayal and how to deal with betrayal.
Definition
Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a contract agreement, trust or confidence that produce moral and psychological conflicts within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations. It can also be defined as the complete break away from previously presumed norms.
Why it’s hard to dislodge
Since its in human nature to betray one another, it is hard to dislodge because to dislodge betrayal in all forms means that every human will be thinking and doing things the same way from time immemorial till forever, some of the sophisticated technology we enjoy come as a result of deviation from the norms of the time past, to dislodge it means the human race will have to stand still. We can even say betrayal is one of the reason we are we right now. Organizations still have to do what will profit them and their shareholders despite the relationship or agreement that exist between. Like they say in politics, there is no permanent partnership. There will always be a time in a relationship where the partners will have to pursue their own personal interest and this interest might differ from the groups’ believe. We have to as a race to prepare for difference in opinion all the time since betrayal cannot be dislodged.
Stage and forms of betrayal
Shock
Grieving the loss of the person you thought you knew
Grieving the loss of the actual person
Dealing with self-blame and humiliation
Forgiveness and letting go
The first stage, shock, comes in many different forms. It might feel like numbness or unreality. You might feel immobilized or have a strong urge to run away. You may feel calm or full of rage. Your mind swirls with thoughts. It is a crisis. Shock, disbelief, anger, devastation, humiliation, sadness, the wish to rescue, and the wish to retaliate are all natural and expected reactions to betrayal. The most important thing to do during this stage is to find a support system to contain and normalize the feelings, and rather than beat yourself up, try to deal with it in constructive ways.
The second stage is unique to betrayal: grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had. Yesterday you had someone you cherished and trusted. Suddenly, not only was that relationship gone, but you realized that you never had it in the first place; that for the entire time you have loved and trusted that person, you haven’t really known them. you had to grieve the loss of the person you thought you knew first. This is a cerebral stage, though one fueled by the powerful emotions of hurt, anger, and humiliation. This is where there is a strong need to understand what happened. It is important to allow this phase to breathe and find it's own resolution, even if there is no understandable answer. You are trying to figure out what happened. It is as if you suddenly discovered that the world was round—not flat!—and it takes time to adjust. And you know what? It’s good to wonder, as long as you don’t hurt yourself trying to get answers from the person who betrayed you. Take all the time you need, talk about this with safe people, read books that address your situation, write down your thoughts, and figure this out. But remember, this is so that you can find the lesson in it for you—not so that you can fix the other person. Please know, though, that you may never fully understand what happened, or why.
The danger here can be that this need to understand can get mixed up with self-esteem issues. You may be asking, “Why did was this done to me?” This is hardest when you know that you have been loving, ethical, and conscientious. Still, it is important to remember that, although it feels like it was done to you; it was really done by them. Betrayal is about the person who did it—not about the person it was done to. We do not make someone lie. We do not make someone cheat. Those are choices people make on their own regardless of the strengths and weaknesses of their loved ones. It is truly enlightened to seek your role in what happened, but It is possible that the only part you may have played in this was choosing the wrong person to trust.

What if there is still a decision to be made about whether to try to save the relationship? A relationship can be healed only if both you and your loved one are willing and able to live honestly from now on. Many couples are able to work through a betrayal and come through healthier, closer, and more loving than before. There are many causes of betrayal, such as acting out instead of working through relationship issues, addictions, or personality-disordered behavior. Here are some guidelines to help figure out what is possible for your relationship: counseling is invaluable at this time but requires willingness, commitment, and the courage to be honest from both parties.
Learn about addictions and co-addictions, and the value of 12-step programs for both parties if the betrayal was fueled by an addiction. Reinforce that trust can be rebuilt only through honest, responsible action over time.
Assess your loved one’s commitment to truth by paying attention to the person’s behavior rather than his or her words. “Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar”
The third stage of healing applies if the relationship is over: grieving the loss of a person from one’s life. This is the “missing” stage, in which you will feel the loss most intensely. It is natural and necessary, and it will take as long as it takes.

The fourth stage is the most persistent and pernicious aspect of the betrayal loss, one that goes on throughout the healing process: dealing with self-blame and humiliation. This is a loss, too, the loss of self-trust, a third loss. This one, however, can be temporary. When people are betrayed, they ask themselves, “How could I have been so stupid?” “How can I ever trust myself again?” They beat themselves up for having “known” and yet not letting themselves know, or for just not knowing. Even when the betrayer is long gone, these painful thoughts and feelings can remain.
Finally, the day will come when you have learned from the experience, when you no longer blame yourself or feel stupid, when you do not feel compelled to fix the other person or make him see that what he or she did was wrong, when you accept that that person is who that person is—then you are in the last stage of healing: forgiveness and letting go.

Forgiveness and letting go are undeniably connected. Many people believe that they shouldn’t ever feel angry and that they must forgive right away. I disagree. Forgiveness does not mean condoning the offending behavior, and it does not mean that you should open yourself up to be hurt again. We are working on his assertiveness and on protecting himself from this abuse. I believe that it is not healthy to forgive anyone who is still hurting you. You have to be emotionally safe in order to forgive. Forgiveness means you can take care of yourself and you can wish the other person the healing they need. You can let go of them with an open heart. And when you do this, the forgiveness is for you, so that you can let go. I love this quote from Lily Tomlin: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.” It is only then that letting go with love is possible.
It helps to be aware of these stages I've described so that you don't feel all alone or like you have gone crazy. They are a normal and natural reaction to the trauma of betrayal. The good news in all of this is twofold. Healing from betrayal can be a catalyst for healing from early childhood wounds. It can also be an empowering experience, one in which you emerge a wiser and more powerful person.
Thanks for reading steemites