One of These Days I'm Going to Write a Post Where I Don't Act Like An Idiot
But Until Then,
you'll just have to put up with my shit.
It's a rainy day here in Saskatchewan, Canada. The first one of the season for me.
If anyone here has a good memory, you'll know I scored myself a three day weekend recently. Since it's raining today and I typically work outside, we'll just call this a four day weekend.
I'm not moving. I plan to sit here, on my ass, all day.
Some may view this as a stroke of luck. I don't because I know tomorrow I'll most likely be rolling around in the mud.
I'm laughing. Laughing at life. I get a kick out of it.
Sometimes I can actually feel that kick go straight up my ass.
If I would have went in to work on Friday, when the weather was really nice; I would have finished an important task, the world would have given me my three day weekend due to rain anyway, and I wouldn't be thinking about how I have to roll around in the mud tomorrow because the mission would have been complete.
The comedy writes itself.
It feels great to be able to laugh at this stuff.
Just another day. No big deal.
Thank you, world.
Days like today, when there isn't much going on; they give me time to think.
Back in 2013 I was kicking ass at life, on the surface. Good job, nice place; living the dream.
I woke up from that dream though. I was sitting in the office, working on staff schedules, bored out of my mind. Lonely. Unhappy.
I had been thinking about quitting for over a year but I didn't have the nerve. I finished those schedules, looked at my boss and said, "Hey, man. I can't do this anymore. I'm out. Later." I didn't plan that. It just, happened.
I had been with that company for thirteen years and I didn't care. I just needed to get the hell out of there, so I left.
I had no idea, two years later, I'd be on the streets of Edmonton asking strangers for spare change and smokes.
I moved there to start a new life after taking some time off and spending all of the money I had saved up from my career life.
Things were going well enough, for a start. I came back to Saskatchewan to be with family for the holidays and once that was all said and done I went home to find out I didn't have a job anymore. I had spent nearly everything I had on gifts and bus tickets.
I Was Forced to Swallow...
My Pride.
Within two months of failing the job hunt, being forced to spend the rest of my cash on living, being evicted because food is more important than rent; I found myself trapped inside a cousin's unfinished basement bedroom prison cell. My release day; fast approaching. They didn't want me there and that was fine with me because I didn't want to be there either. It was that or the streets though.
I found the bottom.
And I needed that.
I was a spoiled brat for far too long. Life was too damn easy for too many years before the self-inflicted chaos. I needed to know what it's like to have nothing and nobody instead of just thinking that's what I have when I felt like feeling sorry for myself.
Of course, I didn't know I needed all of that while it was happening.
Looking back, seeing myself going up and down those sidewalks attempting to scrounge up enough change for a cheeseburger at least; feeling those hunger pains. That was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
A Good Kick in the Ass
Doesn't mean the fight is over.
This fight is scheduled for three five minute rounds.
Those guys and gals who beat the shit out of each other in the octagon spend their entire lives preparing for something that might not even last fifteen minutes. They get hit, they fall down, they can't even see clearly and the only thing they want to do is get back up, that's all. One simple move we all learn, as babies. Anyone can do it.
So behind these clouds,
I can still see that sunny day.
Believe it, or not. The moment I wrote that little line above, the room lit up.
Have a nice day.
I've spent most of my life feeling lonely and unhappy. I've been working to change the negative thought patterns that lead me to feel that way....it's difficult, to say the least.
I've hit several bottoms along the way...I always bounce back up, but I just hope that I don't fall back down into a bottomless pit next time lol
I hope the sun continues to shine for you. <3
Maybe I'm just tricking myself, but I came to the conclusion that we can't have positive without negative, can't have negative without positive. That makes everything one, instead of two. I don't need to be happy now, I can just be, and I'm okay with that.
Positive does not exist without negative, just as light does not exist without dark or hot without cold.
Just being is actually the "best" because it is being present with what is. I like to say IsnessIs
There is a really amazing song on this, my favorite on the matter. Check it out.
Blessings~*~
Ups and downs. That's what makes this roller coaster so much fun.
Exactly!
Did you watch the video?
Indeed I did, from start to finish. That sound takes me back. Twas good.
Wonderful~*~
Thank you for reminding me of what I often forget.
You're welcome.
Hey, @isaria, it's cool to run into you here! You don't know me, but some of your music plays on MSPWaves when there's no show on, and I found out about you that way. I'm a big fan!
Sometimes it is hard for me to understand how talented artists like yourself and @NoNamesLeftToUse can hit any sort of "bottom" while you are creating things that bring joy to so many others... but it seems to be a pattern. Artists and entertainers, for some reason, seem to be more susceptible as a whole to depression and similar problems.
All I can do is voice my appreciation, and hope that somehow, the next time y'all are feeling down... that it contributes to some sort of solid foundation to cling onto. The world is a brighter place for all this art you people create for us. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your kind words!
It means a lot to me <3
Artists unite! :). I actually totally get this, but also have to say I've turned some pretty significant corners in the last year, and less significant but more foundational ones earlier on. I've found a lot of peace, clarity, and life in my faith.
I hear the journey up and down, though: life hits us differently than most, I think. I do experience pretty profound, existential moments. The sensitivity (I don't just mean emotional--I mean just taking in a lot more than the average bear) makes us artists, but it also makes a lot of life feel like literal hell.
Thanks for sharing here, too xx, Kay
Your comment made me realize that I may be absorbing more energy than I'm releasing.
I haven't written anything new in quite some time.
Thanks for helping me realize something I needed to know!
<3
That's wonderful! Glad to hear I could be the occasional of some clarity and, hopefully, some peace!
I didn't expect to read that when I clicked on your post. But I am happy to have read what I have read.
Hitting rock bottom and pulling yourself back up inevitably changes you as a person, your whole value and ethics code, it just transforms you.
Thanks for that soul striptease.
As for the rain and mud... How would one build without mud? Think of it as a parallelism with your life's rainy and muddy days, would you be the same person if you hadn't been dragged in the dirt? Life carves us to make sculptures, sometimes hard hits can either make deep holes and ruin the piece or transform it to make a beautiful final statue...
(Just hope you don't get offended by my weird similes)
That's nowhere near being offensive. It makes perfect sense.
Some people are not made to live in the system and you are certainly one of them. You need to be coherent with your true self and you can't be anyone else than honest with what you want.
That's your beauty, that's the reason you are so passionate and so successful in here.
That beauty can be a beast. It's difficult for me to reach a certain point, then settle in and stay there. I have to keep going. If the rush is gone, I'm in no hurry... whatever that means.
I think you and I must be opposites in every way, but I guess that is part of what I find interesting about you. Where you are risky, I am painfully cautious.
I worked for one of the most obnoxious, sleazy, self-absorbed ambulance chasers in town for six years. Really not sure what was wrong with me for staying so long. It finally ended when I got pregnant and laid off. A combination for the best. But I occasionally still have fantasies about walking out on him. On a positive note, you know how the story ended when you walked out on a life-draining job.
We're all different, yet being one in a million means there's something like 7500 others just like me; and I haven't even met one of them. That's alright though. I'm not sure if I'd get along with another me anyway. LOL.
I think your story is pretty inspirational. There's a big fantasy many people have about telling their boss to fuck off, they quit. Heck, when I was still working my first couple shitty jobs I remember feeling exactly like that too.
Usually, in those fantasies, it comes along with winning the lottery or something like that, where they don't have to worry about anything ever again.
Not you. You hated the idea of spending the rest of your life doing whatever meaningless thing so much that you were willing to walk away from everything you had. That took balls... and I'm glad you took that chance. If you hadn't, maybe you wouldn't be here... and it just wouldn't be as awesome around here without @NoNamesLeftToUse The Writer/Artist Himself.
No, I wouldn't be here. I would have just arrived home after another shitty day. Straight to the fridge, crack open the Heineken, turn the computer on, crank the tunes, fling open the sliding door, head outside to sit on my balcony, close my eyes, drink my beer one after another, chain smoke my cigs, listen to music. That was the only thing I looked forward to. Being done. I probably spent the final five years of that life in a haze.
Did you ever read this one? There, I talk about what I did right after quitting that job, how I handled life. You damn right it took balls.
You know, I think I did see that somehow. That was 10 months ago so it was before my time here on Steem. It was a bit hazy though. It wasn't like "oh, yeah, I've read this." It was: I don't think I've read this... wait... I remember this part... and this part... maybe I read it when I was going through some of your old posts early on.
I really think more people should do what you did. I think they'd be a lot happier with their lives, even if they had fewer nice things as a result. I'm not a highly metaphysical cricket, but sometimes I wonder if someone or something put all these nice things here to distract us from the real things. Feeding the birds; playing in the sand; the open road...
I should get a motorcycle.
I'm incredibly reckless on that bike at times. I crash, I pop right back up and I'm more worried about the bike than me. How I'm still alive is baffling.
Always awesome <3 We all need our crisis to finally figure our shit out. I bet you're better now. Can you imagine if you were still working on the same job?You had it hard, but still, it made you the man you are now <3
I know exactly what I'd be doing if I still worked there because it was the same day, everyday. I won't go so far as saying everything is better now though. Far from it. There's one more thing I need to finish. I don't feel like I'm ready for it though.
I think this is the system of the world. To unhappy first to show the way to happiness. Or vice versa. you know. At least if we know how it will be, there's no point in being happy or unhappy. I think I love the way for results. not the result. We are all experiencing something. Oh yeah the dream of a good job ... whatever. I liked what you told me. And perspective to life. a heartfelt story. thank you. If my English was better, I could express it better. Thank you for reading. And for all your support to me. Sometimes a small detail makes people happy.
So excising I’m going hold my breath in anticipation and wait! Oh wait dead cat… hehe
Why does that look like a Red Cardinal that got sucked up into a hurricane? The poor little guy. I can see that fancy part they have on their head, there black colored around the face, and shades of red they have in their body.
I hope you are doing alight man. When reading headers like “swallow” and “found bottom” along with a story of living on the street I do worry! Even if you throw shade at it with tiny text under it. Is the writer himself working on the streets. I would hope as a painter of some short. Maybe a nude model at the worst trying work his way up into the art industry!
Perhaps when all these blogs are put to gather one day they will be sold as a complete book about a character named No Name Left To Use. Along with all the adventures he went on. It just so happened the blogs where posted out of order to prevent people from picking up all the little hints.
I can only hope your creative process gives you some happiness. Expressive outlet these days seem to be the only source for so many to try and find something to be happy about.
You're one of best at catching those little subliminal jokes and messages I stash away in my posts.
As for that happiness stuff, well; I think I wrote this for me, as a reminder, to keep for a rainy day.
I really enjoyed this, friend, and hearing about your life a bit more. And the "somewhat-funny" tag :).
This life. I do things, it falls apart. Then I walk, and wonder. If I could just go back, fix that mistake, it wouldn't be like this. Now I sit, and think. If I could go back, I'd do it all again to ensure I have this day the way it is, even though it's still far from perfect. I really enjoyed this, too.
I love when you write more from the guts. I love hearing your thoughts about life--about your life. It's interesting and disarming. More! :D
There will be more.
Thank you.
Here, have one of my photos, they're all I have, but it isn't me.
I know what you're talking about, walking off from a slowly-killing job (I know from experience, not just being empathic), but I managed to fall back not too far. Just luck. Have some.
That is a fantastic photo. It's perfect.
Thank you. One does one's best.
That's how one won.