I Regret To Inform You: Today's Post Has Been Cancelled
am feeling forced to make a difficult decision.
There will be NO post today.
And that is the hardest decision I've ever had to make.
I've spent the last seven hours thinking about this. I've finally come to a conclusion I feel I can be comfortable with and I think you'll be able to accept this decision as well.
Probably the longest seven hours of my life.
I spent the first hour simply staring out the window.
Thinking: It sure would be nice to go for a walk right now and get some fresh air. That would probably clear my head and sinuses enough to be able to write a post for these fine people who are in the best of moods lately.
Once I realized I wasn't watching a blizzard and that was only frost on the window, I decided to head outside.
Going outside meant I had to put my snazzy winter walking boots on. Standard procedure here in Canada; if you value your toes you'll put your boots on. That's just how it is, stop arguing with me.
So I go to tie up the loose ends like you would with any boot or shoe lace and the damn string breaks. Took the boots off, inspected the situation closely, and these boots ain't made for walking now.
Thinking: Oh my god and what the hell, that's the third time this week. Why does this always have to happen to me? It says "Made in Canada" so these are supposed to be good. What is happening to this country? These people get paid something like fifteen bucks per hour to push a button so a lace comes out and they can't even do that right?
I was not in the mood for being in a bad mood though so one of life's curve balls wasn't enough to hold me back on this day.
Thinking: Well, whatever, I needed a destination anyway, so I may as well walk to the gas station where I always buy my laces, and maybe I'll see something else on that dollar rack I could use.
So whatever I start walking, making damn sure I don't lift that one foot too high or the boot will fall off. It's night time, the stars were out, no cars, the snow's twinkling, the mushrooms were just starting to kick in and everything was beautiful.
About a half hour into an hour walk I began to question everything about life and decided to take a seat next to a guy that turned out to be plastic Ronald McDonald.
Thinking: Wow this guy is a really good listener.
Which was weird because I didn't really say anything to him.
Once we decided to go our separate ways I realized why I was outside in the middle of the night and continued on to fulfill my mission's main goal.
The gas station was all lit up like some kind of beacon which was cool to look at and helped me understand my true destination in life was only two blocks away.
Thinking: Wow this is just like a video game.
I finally reach the door after a few minutes of preparing myself mentally and the damn thing won't open. Flashbacks of a @meesterboom post start haunting my thoughts but I wasn't going to let that scare me away from this entrance to a new chapter of my life so I continued to rattle the door as if doing the same thing continuously would somehow lead to a different result.
I could see the store is open. There's one guy inside reading magazines instead of buying them and the clerk behind the counter is staring at me.
I rattle some more and the clerk starts doing some sort of awkward white guy dance thing with his hands and to the beat of my own door drum.
Thinking: I spent ten minutes preparing myself and planning for this move. I did not see this coming. He looks angry and everything behind him is melting but I really like those moves. Oh. I get it. I'm pushing on a pull door. That's why I can't get inside. How can I play this down like I meant to do that?
"Hey man you really gotta do something about that ice buildup there by the door, I had a hell of a time getting in."
Thinking: That should do it.
And I headed straight to the dollar rack where I saw a cool toque with a beaver on it so I asked the clerk, "How much?"
He rolled his eyes and that's when I noticed one eye didn't return to where I thought it should be as he said, "Abuckman."
Thinking: What the hell is abuckman...
I put it down because I noticed I only had two hands and wanted to hold something else but couldn't decide on what yet.
Then it occurred to me I had been on this journey for many hours and the only reason I'm here right now is because I needed new laces.
The usual place where I always see laces was a barren wasteland of nothingness and lost enthusiasm. I looked at the clerk who was kind of looking at me but I'm not sure because of that eye, then I looked at the shelf, then gazed over at the clerk, then looked at the shelf, then I asked the shelf, "Where are the laces," but I meant to say that to the clerk.
Suddenly a thunderous godlike voice from the ceiling asked:
"What kind of laces are you looking for?"
Thinking: God should probably know these kinds of things...
I swallowed my pride and said, "Laces that would fit these boots," then nearly swallowed my tongue when I realized I wasn't even wearing any boots.
Thinking: Did that clown rob me?
I got out of there with a quickness and headed back to that bus stop so I could have a word with that guy.
He was sitting in the same spot, hadn't moved. I could see him from a good block away or more. Was ready to chase him if he decided to run.
Thinking: Jeez there's something weird about this guy.
But I wasn't going to allow paranoia and a few odd streamers of light to deter me from progressing towards solving the mystery of my lost boots.
I'm about ten feet away, "Excuse me? Was I wearing boots before?"
Thinking: I hope he's not hard of hearing because I only know curse words in sign language and I don't see how swearing about fucking boots to some random guy on the street who seems possessed will deescalate a situation that might not even involve me.
I tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention but instead of attention all I got was a thunk thunk sound.
So that's when I realized he was plastic the entire time but you already knew that.
I struggled with accepting the fact all the way home.
Thinking: Did everyone turn into plastic? Is this a bad trip?
I'm still attempting to make a solid effort to gather my thoughts so I'll be able to perform today for you people and write a post. After a few hours of this though I just don't see it happening. It might be another day at least before I can come to terms with this and if my head isn't in the game, I don't think I should be writing posts.
I do hope you can understand and I look forward to being back tomorrow or maybe the day after with something new for you to enjoy.
So until then...