Another Rough Day: This was almost an 'I Quit' post.
A quitter is often viewed as a failure.
Yet it takes a lot of courage to give up something you love.
I must be going crazy.
So this is what crazy feels like.
I guess it's not too bad. I feel like I've lost everything.
Comparing this feeling to back when I suddenly became what I'd consider to be wealthy, practically overnight, leaves me feeling quite confused.
I was so nervous with all that money. I honestly don't know what I feel today but I'm not as tense, that's for sure. I can look someone in the eye and know they're not just talking to me because they want something, so that's a relief.
So strange. I had everything I wanted. What I worked for had paid off. At the same time, I had nothing, along with everything I didn't want.
They say money doesn't buy happiness, and that's fine, because it's probably true, but I wasn't trying to buy happiness.
Does money buy depression? I sure lost a lot and I don't feel very good. Is feeling down and out really this expensive?
It can't be the money. I felt like shit before I got here.
The opening line to this post — before I deleted it and went for a walk — was something like:
I spent four years slowly killing myself and only realized it today.
It went on:
I spilled my blood all over this blockchain... for nothing?
That's where I stopped...
I think the loudest voice on this platform right now is the one being quiet.
I go for my walks around this community, daily.
I'm seeing folks who haven't lost anything even close to what I've lost, going nuts. There are some folks out there posing the same arguments under every post they find. Same words, same people. Different post, different day. Same words, same people. It's been going on like that for what feels like weeks now.
I could add up all their potential losses and it still doesn't come close to what I've lost. What I've lost, or, what I feel like I'm losing — it's so much more than money.
I don't have the courage to quit and it seems like many out there don't have the courage to start.
I had given up on life before I arrived here. Once here I was presented with a challenge. I needed that in my life. I needed to spend thousands of hours working on art most people here haven't even seen. I needed to put my mind in a place that allowed those funnies out. I needed that response after and I needed to not feel alone.